Aging Jokes

The second career Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. ""Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.' ""Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."" ""…

Salesman makes a pit stop A traveling salesman is on his way home after a long day of selling stuff. It is raining extremely hard and (out of the mist) he sees a farmhouse. He was on a dirt road and it got muddy. His wheels got stuck in the mud. So, the salesman walks to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. The owner answers and the salesman asks for a place to rest for the night. The owner tells him ok and says that the only room is in grandpa's room. The salesman accepts and goes to sleep wit…

The Best B.S-er There was a competition between the three best B.S-ers in the world. The first man said, ""My great grandfather was so tall, that he could reach the apples on the top of the tall apple tree without having to stretch."" The second man said, ""My great grandfather was so tall, he would reach up int the sky and re-arrange the stars"" The third man said ""when your great grandfather felt those stars, did they feel soft and sort of mushy? He responded ""yes as a matter of fact they we…

My grandpa died yesterday. Here's one of my favorite jokes he told. What are your favorite grandpa jokes? Old Ms.Robinson went out into her backyard to do some gardening when she heard some noise coming from the yard next door. She peered over the fence and saw that her neighbour's little daughter was digging a hole. ""Sally what are you doing with that shovel?"" asked Ms.Robinson. ""My goldfish died, so I'm burying him."" replied young Sally. ""Oh that's tragic. I'm very sorry for your loss. Bu…

A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing... 'He's like a fish out of water.' 'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?' 'No, I mean he's dead.' -Mike Close-

Bear Jobs - NSFW So you're in the wild, toasting marshmallows with your family and telling ghost stories, and out of nowhere a great, big grizzly bear approaches. I know, your initial instinct will be to give that bear a handjob. DO NOT. Try as hard as you can NOT TO GIVE THAT BEAR A HANDJOB.. Heres why 1. Bears love handjobs. It's their favorite thing. But when a bear receives a handjob, upon reaching beargasm, they will instantly demand another. ""MOAR HANDJOBS,"" they'll roar. It's not like w…

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ... ""Yep,"" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I disc…

My elderly narcoleptic neighbour burst into tears when I told her Davy Jones had died. I said ""Cheer up, sleepy Jean""

A True Story During high school, a few friends of mine worked at a restaurant for a retirement center. There were four of us driving in a car and my friend was telling the others who also worked there, ""Ilene and Peggy got hella mad at each other today."" Even though I didn't work there I stopped him saying, ""Wait, Ilene and Peggy?"" He looked at me and I simply asked, ""Were they fighting over a fake leg?""

Divorce Joke my Family Law Professor Told Elderly couple, 102 and 98 years old respectively. And they are getting a divorce. Judge asks them why they are getting one now... ""we were waiting for the kids to die""

An old man in tears A young man taking a walk in a park comes across an elderly man sitting on a bench in tears. Touched by the poor man's sorrow, he kindly asks, ""Please sir, why are you crying?"" The old man replies, ""I have a beautiful 21 year old wife who makes love to me every night!"" Confused, the young man replies, ""I still don't understand why you're crying."" The elderly man sobs, ""I forgot where I live.""

A German taxi driver was on his shift... He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament. A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: ""So, how do you like our country?"" The guy answers: ""Oh, it's great. But it is so different from home in many aspects. Some things, I cannot make sense of."" The taxi driver asks: ""Really? Like what?"" The guy says: ""Well, for instance…

Two brothers lived together with their grandmother and her cat. The first brother went on a business trip, and when he arrived at his destination, he checked into his hotel, and called his brother at home. ""I made it safe and sound"" he said. ""How is everything?"" ""Bad"" said the second brother. ""The cat is dead."" ""WHAT?!? How could you be so insensitive to tell me like that?"" The first brother exclaimed. ""You could have broken it to me slowly by saying the cat is on the roof, but you've…

A pastor takes four earthworms and places them in different jars at the start of the service. Each jar contained something different, the first had alcohol, the second had cigerette butts and smoke, the third had all sorts of sweets, and the forth had good, clean dirt. At the end of the service, the pastor pulls the jars back out and removes the worm from the alcohol. ""Dead!"" exclaims the pastor. Next is the worm in the cigerette smoke. ""Dead!"". The worm in the sweets ""DEAD!"" Finally the w…

A young comedian goes to his grandfather.....[NSFW language] A young comedian goes to his grandfather and says, ""Grandpa, i've always come to you for advice when I need it, the problem i'm having is with being unique"". His grandfather says, ""Well you've always been special to me, but what do you mean?"". The young comedian says, ""Well, I want to be risque, however it's hard to shock people nowadays."" His grandfather asks, ""What about Pedophilia jokes?"". ""Too immature"", he replies. His g…

You better not. I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher. Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said ""Man, I sure wish I could do that!"" The other guy said, ""You better not- that dog will bite you!""

My grandma Edna had to get a job... ...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her. A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and observed as she meticulously folded two marbles into a small piece of cloth. Then, using a needle and thread, she stitched the folded cloth between the legs of a newly assemble…

Cuban I asked my grandmother for ""something Cuban"" for my birthday, and she had got me a Che Guevara shirt. Clothes, but no cigar.

The time my grandpa went to Africa One day I was sitting with my grandpa watching TV. As it happened we were watching the Discovery channel when a show about Africa came on. ""Hmph, Africa... I've been there."" My grandpa said. ""Really?"" I asked, ""I never knew you went to Africa grandpa, when was this?"" ""Well,"" he said, ""when I went to Africa I was about your age. Eighteen. And back then they didn't have no jet airplanes that could get you there in ten hours. No siree!"" ""First, we got o…

Grandpa vs The IRS. The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahe…

Five Elderly Ladies Another chain letter my mother sent... Hiding on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Massachusetts State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself, ""This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to h…

The Old Man And The Ferrari An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?' The doctor replies, A Ferrari F-430. With Options, it cost half a million dollars!' That's a lot of money,' says the old man. Why does it cost so much?' Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !' states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, Mind if I take a look…

There was a tourist in Dublin. He was trying to get to London but was running a little short on time. He sees an elderly man sitting on a bench and thought the man might know a quicker way to get there. He approached the man and asked ""Sir, what is the fastest way to London?"" ""Are you walking, traveling by push bike, or motor vehicle?"" the elderly man asked. ""Well, car. I'll be traveling by car."" the tourist replied curiously. ""Well that's the fastest way I know.""

Big People Words [Big People Words](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/16/big-people-words/) A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana.' 'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!' She then asked Mitchell what he had…

Once In Bed... [Once In Bed](http://www.1976ad.com/2011/09/17/once-in-bed/) One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her wai…