Aging Jokes

I just saw a guy with a mustache exactly like my grandpa's. I doubt it was his though; grandpa never let anyone borrow his mustache.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my.. *golf swings* Pennefactor.

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY "All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday" [mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma] IT'S PAYBACK TIME

I can't wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don't have a boyfriend "because I'm such a pretty girl". I'm a psycho, grandma.

Please just wear the strap-on. It was a gift from Grandma and she wants to see you in it, OK? Come ON church starts in like half an hour.

Sorry, science, but religion promised me a place where I'll get to hang out with Grandma again.

your grandma has a pic of you in her house when you were in junior high and not at any other age

When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son's face so parents grow up fast too. I've already become my grandmother.

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

And Grandmother, what big thighs you have! *Wolf just starts crying*

Tim Cook bravely announces he's gay. The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother. "We know, dear."

My resolution for 2016 is to call Starbucks "Starbrights" and Reese Witherspoon "Ruth Witherspooks" to keep my grandmother's legacy alive.

Changed Grandma's email signature to "Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!"

My grandmother's stories always include the race of everyone involved

Grandmother: "So what is Skype?" *Explains in great detail on how it works* "So do I need a computer for it?" "I JUST...how's your cat?"

Grandma, if you're looking down on me right now - close your eyes for a few minutes.

Grandma got run over by a Prius. Grandma is fine. The Prius is totaled. And there's glitter and Obama stickers everywhere. Merica.

*interrupts dinner "IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?"

I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM, WE ALL SCREAM, BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.

My grandma can hold her breath for over fourteen years!

8y:thank you for the present grandma ....: no need.. 8y: that's what I thought too but mum said I have to

It's like Grandma used to say, "All men are hilarious, until you marry one."