Aging Jokes

Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons "Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain" she whispers

Immortality would suck. I don't want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

Grandma, stop asking people what they're supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

I wish I was able to say as many things with a simple 'mmmmhhhmmmmm' as your average elderly black woman.

I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I'd regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you're elderly, they'll already have 40 years' experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your "scary" battle at Normandy, grandpa.

Why'd it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I'd totally hit that."

grandpa: ur father changed after the war me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Like my grandpa Clint Eastwood used to say, it's never too late to adopt a fake name to impress girls.

I explained gluten allergy' to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

It's like grandma always said... In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs

Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

Grandma used to say "Respect yourself & others will too," but she also used to say "Damn N*ggers," so I don't know what to believe :(

Caller: Is Mr. Rock available? Me: Yeah, hold on. *hands phone to 5yo* Me: It's grandma, buddy. Tell her about Caillou.

game of thrones bt it's my family fighting over who will sit in grandma's chair while watching t.v. After she dies.

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

*grandma climbs into time machine* *shuts the door behind her* MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

You look so perfect standing there, In my American Apparel underwear, But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

[terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you're a dime.