Aging Jokes

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard: I'm so sorry your grandma died? I love you?

wow thanks for dying grandpa that shit is blowing up my Facebook

Truth: My 85yr old grandmother's answering machine says, "I'll call you back when I want to, if I want to." Heroes are all around us.

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of "Didn't Make Me Any Cookies Weekly" again. "What good is she to anyone?" it says.

Me:Thank you, he's so hot I don't even know what I want to do first...Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

"Grandpa, why did you let catastrophic global warming and 4+ Transformers movies happen?" -- Your disappointed grandchildren

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don't count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween* Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Just saw an elderly Asian couple buying tortillas so racism is over

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece as a retirement gift for the boss.. We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee's gift card.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level. ME [spinning on chair in daughter's room]: Yo, turns out grandma's heart is weak af.

"IF YOU'RE HAVING KNITTING PROBLEMS I FEEL BAD FOR YOU SON--" "stop rapping, Grandma" "--I GOT 99 PROBLEMS AND A STITCH AIN'T ONE"

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn't have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: "Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!" Grandpa: "It's pronounced a Quiche, dear!"

[2050] "Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?" Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don't drink "You wanna be cool don't you?" I don't drink "C'mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson's Black Cat blew your Grandma's pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.

*me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now...

You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you work in the alzheimer's wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.