Aging Jokes

son I heard u praying for grandma. look that's nice *clears throat* but daddy's tweets need prayers too. im in a RT dry spell right now, son

My grandfather said he'd never be caught dead wearing cargo pants, so I slipped the funeral director an extra 50 bucks. And now we wait.

We're all big racist time bombs set for "elderly."

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like "I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively."

Like my grandma always says... put more booze in the mashed potatoes

It's like my racist grandpa used to say: "Good morning." That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn't one of them.

A hipster guy is one who kept his grandpa's clothes but lost his grandpa's work ethic.

Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

[Family Dinner] Me: Grandma, please pass the updog. Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose* Grandma: What's updog? Me: Not much, how about you?

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

My retirement plan is to die young and broke.

7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, "Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft."

Sitting with Grandma at the hospital. She noticed me checking my watch and said, "Go on Dummy. I know brunch is almost over at the tit bar."

My bitch of a Grandma just made me cookies with Raisins in them.

If God wanted us to save money for retirement he wouldn't have invented online shopping

Maybe I'd bother with cologne if my natural scent didn't make even elderly women violently ovulate.

"Grandpa, grandpa! Tell us again about the time you whittled a 189 character idea down to a perfect 140 character tweet!"

ANY voicemail left by the elderly starts off with 2 minutes of "HELLO? HELLO?" and ends with them trying to dial another number.

Whenever I see an elderly person who looks lost and confused, I stop and take a moment to feed 'em a peanut.

my cousin's baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like "im here lol. from baby"

I believe that old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets covering their legs are actually retired mermaids.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding* Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What'd you call this again? Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

*grammar police reads ransom note* "Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead" *grammar cop dies* "Damn, he had 2 days until retirement"

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover