Aging Jokes

*grandma sobbing at my graduation* "Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there." *wipes tear* "But they didn't want to come."

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother

Whenever my grandma comes to visit and I hear a loud thud from upstairs, I go for a coffee and think about the cool stuff I just inherited.

The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don't like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

My Grandma's church was odd in that they worshipped paintings. Very weird. Every week they would stand up and sing "How Great Thou Art"

Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday. In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that shit.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

My grandfather's holocaust stories aren't half as depressing as the contestant interview segment on Jeopardy.

"Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself." *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her "golden shower" so goodnight.

A man and his boss are playing golf... one weekend when a funeral procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. ""You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days"" he says as they resume their game. ""Well, I thought it was only right."" Replies the man. ""After all, we'd been married for ten years.""

looking for puns for my mourning grandmother Hello r/jokes, My 89 year old grandmother, Tash Tash, loves puns. My grandfather died on Friday and Tash Tash could a laugh. What are some of your favorite puns that I can share with her? A recent favorite of hers goes like this: **What do you call and alligator in a vest? An investigator!** Thank you for cheering up my wonderful grandmother. **edit:** Thank you for the jokes! She really enjoyed them. [Here are a couple of pictures of her laughing at …

WW2 joke. I read this conversation between two Counter-Strike players ingame... (I came in mid-conversation and for me it started like this) Player1: I cant believe your nick is Jewhunter, that's so offensive! My grandparents were in a concentration camp during the war. Player2: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, my grandfather died in a concentration camp. Player1: My god that's awful... Player2: Yea, he fell down from the guardtower. Player1 has left the game

The duck hunter Grandpa was a keen country sportsman and one day he decided to take his grandson shooting with him. Togged up in all his hunting gear, shotgun broken across his forearm, he proudly led little Jimmy down to the lake side. After waiting patiently for a while a lone duck came into view flying over the lake. ""Now watch this Jimmy,"" says Grandpa. He takes careful aim and fires. The duck flies serenely on. ""My boy,"" exclaims Grandpa, ""you are witnessing a miracle. There flies a de…

Possibly the same nursing home. An old man and woman become very close at a nursing home. He wants to take their friendship to the next level, but the old woman doesn't want to. He convinces her one day to ""just hold it"". She does this end enjoys being intimate with a man again. They continue this every day at the same time, in the same room, just her holding the old man's business. One day she walks into the room at the usual time, but the old man is already in there with another woman. Absol…

Nursing home Arthur is in a nursing home after the death of his wife and he feels depressed. Betty notices this and asks if there is anything she can do. He says 'well my wife used to sit with me in the evenings and just hold it for me. I miss that touch.' Betty is a game and a kind woman so she takes to doing this for him. Every night they sit in the garden watching the sunset with her just holding his manhood. Then one day she goes to meet him in the garden but finds Gloria, a new resident, in…

from a movie... so a man and and a woman are making love, when their young boy walks in. upon seeing his parents, he cries and runs to his room. the father says ""i'll handle this"". he walks to the boys room and finds little john on top of grandma, just giving her the business, going up and down, up and down. then the boys looks at his father and says, ""its not so funny when its your mom, is it?""

The danger of eating Chili I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been very wise. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coff…

It's the first day of 3rd grade... Their teacher wanted them to behave more grown up since they were no longer in second grade. As such, the teacher told them to use grownup words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. Susie went first and said she went to see her Nana. The teacher said, 'No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.' Next Samantha said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. Once again the teacher again said, 'No, …

A Loving Grandpa A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, ""Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."" Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, ""It's okay, William, j…

An oldie I heard in elementary school Little Johnny has just started kindergarten and doesn't know the alphabet. As things usually happen, the teacher asks Johnny to recite the alphabet. He tells her that he does not know the alphabet, so she tells him to go home and ask his parents to help him learn it. After school, he runs up the driveway and into the kitchen, where his mom is on the phone with a friend. As he runs in, he yells out ""MOM, WHAT'S THE ALPHABET?"" Being the wonderful mother that…