Aging Jokes

What did the cow say... What did the cow say when she jumped over the barbed wire fence? ""I'm udderly ruined!"" credit: my grandma, at every party she's ever been to

A black boy is in the kitchen with his grandma ... ... who is preparing cookies. There's a big bowl of flour into which the boy sticks his hands, then he smears them around on his face and says, ""Look grandma, I'm a white boy!"" With a stern look of disapproval, she tells him ""Go into the living room and tell that to your daddy!"" Dad's in his easy chair reading the paper, and when his son races in and says ""Daddy daddy look, I'm a white boy!"" the father hauls off and smacks his son hard on …

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' …

An elderly asian man gets into a car accident and has to re-do his eye exam for the DMV. He fails, and goes to the doctor. While examining him, the doctor says ""well, I can see the problem here. You have cataracts."" The old man responds, ""I don't have cataract! I have rincoln continental!""

""What did Fifty Cent say to his Grandmother when she made him a sweater?"" ""GEE, YOU KNIT!?!?""

Candy Bars Little Johnny sat down at the park bench with six candy bars and started munching away. ""You shouldn't do that."" said an old lady sitting next to him. ""It's very bad for your health"". ""My grandpa lived to be 109 years old."" replied Johnny. ""Did he eat six candy bars at a time?"" ""No, ma'am. He minded his own god damned business!""

Mrs. Jones In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to r…

...How did you do it? There was once a train operator who had been driving trains for well over 20 years. Over the course of his career, he had experienced a number of close calls in the accident department. At long last, sadly, he hit a schoolbus full of children on its way out of the elementary school parking lot, killing every single one of them. Unsurprisingly, he was put on trial for a number of counts of manslaughter in the first degree. After several hours of deliberation, he was convicte…

A Jewish kid walks up to his grandfather.... A jewish kid walks up to his grandfather and says ""Hey poppa, can I have 50 dollars?"" And the grandfather responds ""40 dollars? I don't have 30 dollars.""

A cat is walking across a train track... (joke from my 94 yr old grandpa) The cat just makes it across the second rail as a train comes speeding past, cutting off the tip of the cat's tail. The cat at once jumps up and around, and its head is run over. The moral is, don't lose your head over a little tail.

Married for 60 years, and .... There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. I…

Favorite joke of my late grandfather A British man comes to America and decides he needs to do at least one really American thing before he leaves. He decides to go to a baseball game. After a couple of innings he thinks that he's got the gist of it and when the next batter hits he stands up in his seat and says ""Run swiftly my man, run swiftly!"" This continues on for sometime, until the pitcher throws four balls. The batter throws down his bat and the British man stands up and starts, ""Run s…

Bad, bad jokes (they're a little sick - be warned) * ""Mommy, mommy, can we go out and play with Grandma?"" ""If you dig her up one more time. . ."" * Mommy, mommy, can Billy come play baseball with us?"" ""You know he has no arms and legs!"" ""He can be second base!"" * How do you babysit black children? Lick their lips and stick them to the refrigerator! * What does a vampire called a used tampon? Teabag * What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the pool? Bob * What do you call a guy w…

The Old Soldier's Home. An historian was visiting a retirement home for old soldiers. As it turned out, they had all heard each other's stories and jokes so often that each was just assigned a number. ""Six!"" one would shout from the the corner and the old men in their rocking chairs would give out a chuckle. ""Fourteen!"" another yelled from the other side of the room and a bigger laugh erupted from the assembled group. Wanting to be a part of the fun, the historian joined in. ""Three!......."…

The Holocaust was real... How dare you deny The Holocaust?! My grandfather died in Auschwitz man Yeah, tragic... he fell out of the guard tower.

An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied...

An elderly man was quite unhappy

""Dad, why couldn't the doctors save grandpa's life? ""Doesn't matter son, he would have suffocated in the coffin""

A man parks in a handicapped spot One day a man parks in a handicapped spot. An elderly woman woman drives up from behind, beeps the man and says ""young man your not disabled, you should not be parking here"". The man replies ""did you just assume my gender"". ""Oh my mistake"" says the woman

A little black boy is in the kitchen helping his mom She accidently knocks the flour over and covers the little boy. He says to his mom "" look mom I'm white!"" She smacks him and busts his lip, then she tells him to go tell his father what he said. The little boy goes to his father and says "" look dad I'm white!"" he hits him so hard he falls to the ground. The father tells him to go tell his grandma what he just said. The little boy goes to his grandma and says ""look nana I'm white"" she hit…

Bad Salesman / Good Strategy A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. ""Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,"" said the older man. ""Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remem…

Rude grandma I was buying fruits at the supermarket whilst waiting for change I saw an elderly woman with a small child. The child was walking a bit faster than the woman and the woman shouted, ""Degree! Wait for me!"" I was so amazed hearing that name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and asked, ""Excuse me why do you call this child Degree?"" The woman laughed and said, ""I sent her mother to the University and this is what she brought home...""

A boy and his grandfather are playing outside... A boy and his grandfather are playing outside. They see a worm come out of a hole. ""I bet you $5 you can't put the worm back in that hole,"" the grandfather said. The boy gets a glint in his eye and runs into the house. He returns with a bottle of hairspray and proceeds to spray the worm until it is stiff, then he sticks it in the hole. The grandpa, defeated, gives the boy $5 and takes the bottle of hairspray. He walks into the house and the boy …

I don't see the point in my elderly neighbour subscribing to local newspapers ..... If all she is going to do is let them pile up outside her door.

Just got some good news from my financial planner ...she told me I'd only have to keep working 3 years after I die to afford my retirement.