Aging Jokes

My grandfather never forgave the Japanese for Pearl Harbor... ...until I explained to him that it was the Americans who made that movie.

An old man is dying... ...and he calls all his relatives to his bed, in order to hear his last wish. ""I always wanted to taste poop."" Everybody are shocked, they think the old man is going crazy. ""This is my last wish, i want to taste poop, please!"" You can't deny a man his last wish, so the old man's wife goes to the bathroom and does what she has to do, collects the product, puts it on a nice dish and she takes it to him. The old man looks at his grand-daughter and says: ""Please, you firs…

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening When the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, ""Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"" Martha replied, ""Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, ""I n…

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home ""Sixty is the worst age to be,"" said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"" ""Ah, that's nothin',"" said the 70-year-old. ""When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"" ""Actually,"" said the 80-year-old, ""Eighty is the worst age of all."" ""Do you have trouble peeing…

Little Johnny calls for his mom ""MOM! MOM!"" ""What is it Johnny?"" ""Does Grandma know anything about car mechanics?"" ""No, why?"" ""She's outside, under a bus""

For $1,500,000, a hot young movie producer buys himself a brand-new 2011 Ferrari GTS. It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin. At the first light, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, ""What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"" The young man replies, ""A Ferrari. They go for about a million and a half."" The old guy is shocked: ""That's a lot of moolah.…

A father tucks his 3 year old daughter to bed... He tells her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, ""God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."" The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, ""I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."" The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which we…

Letter to God A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention. The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same …

The Commonwealth is like a family party... There's the UK, the old Grandma sat down in her chair the whole time, letting her children get on with their lives, no matter how bad it gets. Some adore her, but some don't like what she did when they were young. Then there's Australia, the drunk Uncle in a Hawaiian shirt, but everyone respects him really. Canada's there as well, the smartly dressed man who has never done anything wrong, most people joke about him, but respects him. There's India as we…

My grandpa may be having trouble with his memory, but he still has a great sense of humor. He just told me this one: Why was the broom late for work? Because 7,8,9

The daughter that sees the future! A father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, ""God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."" The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, ""I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."" The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened…

God Delivers? An shut in old lady was praying one night, ""God, I really need groceries, but my body starts to hurt if I walk past my front door. Please help!"" Her upstairs neighbor heard her plea and decided to help out, so he went to the grocery store and bought food for the elderly woman. He knocked on the door and she exclaimed loudly, ""Thank the lord, he has answered my prayers!"". The gentleman said to her, ""Madame, I am an atheist, I got these groceries to be nice out of my own free wi…

My wife can't stand to be around me ever since I retired from voicing Winnie-the-Pooh She says I am becoming unbearable.

Bear Attack An elderly man visits his doctor one day. ""I have some exciting news, Doctor!"", exclaimed man, with excitement. ""What is it?"", asked his doctor. ""My wife took a pregnancy test last week and, well.. we're expecting a child! Isn't it great!?"" ""What!?"", expressed the doctor, in confusion. ""But your wife is only 32, and you're almost 70!"" ""So? What does age matter when there is love between man and his wife?"", he said, clearly disappointed and displeased with the doctor's ske…

The Baby Shark (My Greek Grandmother use to tell me this joke as a kid its awfully dry but when you get older you laugh at how stupid it is haha hope you enjoy) One day the baby Shark went with his father to learn how to catch food, First the Father taught the baby how to catch a Fish by just out swimming it and eating it before it gets away Secondly the Father Shark then taught the baby shark how to catch a Octopus, Father gave the same advise to out run the Octopus and eat it The Third Target …

My grandpa always said... They were so poor, if he wasn't born a boy during the Depression, he would of had nothing to play with.

Have you ever flicked a cigarette out the window then five minutes later you start to smell something? So you turn around only to find your grandma fingering herself in the back seat.

My grandmother always says, ""live life to the fullest each and every day because tomorrow you could walk out your front door and be hit by a bus."" She's a bus driver though, so I'm not really sure what to make of this.

A boy was eating chocolate... A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said ""Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"" ""My grandfather lived for a 132 years"" the boy replied. ""Was it because of eating chocolate?"" the man asked curiously ""No. He knew how to mind his own business.""

My great great grandfather died in a Nazi death camp. He fell off of a guard tower.

My grandmother hates it when I make spelling errors One might say she's a grandma nazi.

Did you hear about the elderly seamstress with poor vision? She doesn't mend straight anymore.

A policeman on patrol calls his fellow cop on the station... COP 1: Hey, I got a weird case over here COP 2: What is it buddy? COP 1: Im here at the front porch of an elderly couple's house COP 2: So? COP 1: Someone called me to go to this house because they heard shouting and stuff. And you wouldn't believe what happened... COP 2: What happened? COP 1: The wife stabbed her husband to death COP 2: How did you know? COP 1: As she opened the door, I saw her in tears, with fresh blood on her hands,…

Little Johnny !!!! Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma, ""Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?"" ""Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn't like it. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just too scratchy.""

This morning I was at the atm when an elderly woman asked if I could check her balance So I pushed her over