Aging Jokes

Poor Dr. Epstein Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door,…

People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My grandpa died in Auschwitz... He fell off a watchtower

Let them quit the game early! A wife was telling her ""Football Referee"" husband: - Dear! There is an anniversary of death in my parents family. You'll prepare to go there with me, won't you? - Alas! I can't go, because this afternoon I have to work as a referee for the Championship Cup Competition Football Match. You'll have to go alone! - That's unacceptable! It's my Great Grandma. If you don't come, my relatives will insult me. - So, when will the anniversary begin? -At 5:00pm. - Alas! The m…

My grandfather died in a concentration camp... He got really drunk and fell off the guard tower.

Life After Death Hey grandma, do you think that life after death will be beautiful? Grandma: Well that depends, who died?

My most established grimy joke, From my granddad around the pit fire An old couple gets pulled over and... Woman cop - ""May I see you permit and enlistment sir?"" Old man - ""ugh, what did she say?"" Old spouse - ""She needs to see you permit and enlistment dear."" The old man hands it to the woman cop and... Woman cop - ""Gracious, I see you are from New York. I used to have a beau from New York, he was the most exceedingly terrible significant other I ever had."" Old man - ""ugh, what did she…

Sean Connery had a role in a movie so he had to send his father to a nursing home. After the old man arrived there a nurse forced him to wear a diaper. He was so perplexed that he stayed in his room for a few days and spoke to no one. On a lovely day he decided to spend some time in the garden. He wanted to warm his bones in the sun and enjoy nature. As soon as he tried to leave a nurse stopped him. ""Where are you going?"" ""I just want to relax in the garden and enjoy the warm weather."" ""I a…

I keep trying to convince my grandmother to get a hearing aid... But she just won't listen

Young Billy discovers the power of prayers One day Billy's teacher yells at him for not doing his homework. He feels upset and when in bed he prays' Dear God, please kill my teacher"" When he goes to the school, he learns that his teacher passed away. He comes back home amazed by the power of his new forms of communication. Second day, his grandma eats the last piece of cake he was hoping to eat. He feels upset and later that night when in bed he prays ' Dear God, please kill my grandma' In the …

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked ""Is someone in your house?"" He said ""No, but some people are breaking into…

We find Jesus... We find Jesus playing golf one beautiful cloud free day (as heaven is floating on clouds) He is joined by Moses and an elderly man wearing tacky old golf clothing. Moses plays first, he swings his golf stick with precision befitting a man who has used a staff since dawn of humanity, the ball flies perfectly, almost, when it suddenly falls straight into the lake just shy of the green surrounding the hole. Unfazed, Moses walks over, spreads his arms, and parting the waters to reve…

""Son, I've found a condom in your room."" ""Gee thanks, Grandpa!"" ""Why are you calling me Grandpa?"" ""Because I couldn't find it yesterday.""

Take it easy on the anti-semetic jokes. Take it easy on the jew jokes please. My grandfather died in a concentration camp during WW2. Apparently he fell off a guard tower during shift change.

How do Jedi plan for retirement? With a Hoth IRA. I'll see myself out.

Then we watched Old Yeller. When I was a kid, I spent the weekend at my grandpa's house. It was fun for the first day, but the second day I missed my mom and dad and started crying, so my grandpa said, ""stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about."" But I couldn't stop crying, so Grandpa told me about The Holocaust.

Pops was summoned for an audit. The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and says, Oka…

Granny's wisdom In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains…

Our grandchildren in 2060 ""Grandma, why did you look like a dog when you were a teen?"" I really hate that filter.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

""So you are suffering from flatulences, grandpa?"" ""Suffering? No, that's my last remaining pleasure!""

Three Elderly ladies are sitting on a bench outside of a retirement home... When suddenly a man wearing nothing except a trenchcoat walks by and gives them a quick flash. In awe, Lady number 1 had a stroke as he went by. Lady number 2 also had a stroke shortly after. Lady number 3 couldn't reach.

My Grandfather died quietly in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

An elderly childless couple visits the doctor... And tell him that they would like to conceive a child. The doctor tells them that it's unlikely they will be capable of having a child, but will help them the best he can. He gives the old man a jar and tells him, ""Go home and give it a try with this, come back when you have a sample."" The next week, the couple returns, empty jar in hand. The old man tells the doctor, ""Doc, I tried the best I could, but it just wouldn't work."" The doctor reass…

69 Position I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, ""No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.""

Top Joke in Scotland I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.