Aging Jokes

My grandmother died and left me a tomato. I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms.

I just got my first grey hair. This is the last time I let grandma cook dinner for me.

My great great grandfather died at Custer's last stand? He didn't die fighting he was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise.

Please don't joke about WWII, my grandpa died in a KZ camp He fell down from the guard tower.

Starting salary Reaching the end of an extensive job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college, ""And what starting salary were you looking for?"" The engineering graduate said, ""In the range of $100,000 - 125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The HR person said, ""Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every…

Holocaust jokes aren't funny. My great grandfather died in Auschwitz. He fell off of a watch tower.

THE CHOICE GOD APPEARED BEFORE AN IRISHMAN AND SAID, 'FOR YOUR DEVOTION, I WILL GIVE YOU A CHOICE BETWEEN PARKINSONS OR ALZHEIMERS FOR YOUR ELDERLY AFFLICTION.' THE IRISHMAN SAID,; THATS EASY. PARKINSONS.' 'WHY IS IT EASY?' GOD ASKED 'I'D RATHER SPILL HALF A GLASS OF WHISKEY THAN FORGET WHERE THE BOTTLES ARE.'

LITTLE JOHNNY DURING THE SCHOOL CANDY SALE The day of the candy sale, Little Johnny was sitting in front of the school munching one candy bar after another. A man noticed him and said, ""Son, eating that much candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."" Little Johnny looked up, swallowed, and replied, ""Oh, yeah? Well, my grandfather lived to be 107!"" ""Oh, really?"" replied the man. ""Did your grandfather eat six candy bars in one sitting, too?"" ""No,""…

I went to visit my grandfather in the hospital, but it was too late... He was already gone. His suffering is over now. He's gone home. He's doing much better, so the hospital discharged him!

Didja hear about the coke dealer who retired? He didn't want to put his business in other peoples' noses anymore.

Dad how it feels to have a awesome son? Dad: Ask your grandma.

100 year old twins In a retirement home two elderly twins had their 100th birthday so the local newspaper sent a photographer so he can do a photo session. The twins where named Wendy and Bertha, Wendy heard well while Bertha had a hearing problem. When the photographer arrived at the retirement home he told them to sit on the sofa ""what's he's saying "" said Bertha ""we need to sit on the sofa"" replied Wendy, so they sit ""I need you to sit closer "" said the photographer ""what's he's saying…

When my Great Grandmother was a kid she asked her dad for a ring with a cat on it. Her father replied with stick your finger up the cats ass.

So my great-grandpa died at Auschwitz.... An overused joke fell on top of him and crushed him.

Grandma at the Dentist An old lady goes to the dentist and sits in the chair. When the dentist enters the room, the lady drops her pants and opens her legs. The dentist gets uncomfortable and says ""Ma'am I'm sorry but this is inappropriate. I think you're looking for a gynecologist."" The lady responds ""No doc, I'm at the right place. You put my husbands teeth in and now you're gonna get em out.""

Three cousins and their deaf grandma Three cousins are sitting on the balcony with their deaf grandmother. The first cousin says: - Girls, I've heard that this year, gloves will be worn up to here, and she shows her wrist. - No, I've heard that gloves will be worn up to here, says the second and shows her elbow. - No, you're wrong, I spoke yesterday with my friend who works for a top fashion designer, and she says that gloves will be worn up to here, says the third and shows her shoulder. Finall…

A Russian boy walks up to his grandfather... ""Grandpa, is it true that there was a nuclear disaster at the Chernobyl Power Plant?"" he says. ""Yes, there was."" replied the Grandfather, patting the boy's head. The boy then says ""And is it true that there were absolutely no consequences of it whatsoever?"". The Grandpa says ""Yep. None at all."" and pats the boy's second head

Spiking Grandpa's drink There was a family gathering with all generations around the table. A mischievous teenager put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over. ""What happened, Grandpa?"" he was asked by his concerned children. ""Well,"" he answered, ""I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it …

An elderly woman discovers she has the onset of dementia. Having lived a full life, she decides that she wants to take her life into her own hands rather than wait for the inevitable. After some thought, she purchases a gun to shoot herself, but being cautious, she decides to ask her doctor to know the exact location of her heart. The doctor tells her that her heart is located just under the left breast. Later that day, the old woman was rushed to the emergency room for a gunshot wound to the le…

An incredible dog A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: ""Talking Dog For Sale."" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ""Yep,"" the Lab replies. ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and…

My mom told it to me An elderly women gets transported to the ER with a shot wound in the knee. The woman is conscious and the Doctor asks: ""What happened?"" ""I tried to commit suicide "" said the woman ""Well you shouldn't have shot the knee then"" the doctor replies ""I didn't intend to I was going for the heart and they always say it's right behind your left chest.""

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did-in his sleep Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

My grandma still doesn't need glasses... My grandma is over 80 years old and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.

Im eating out this old lady... Im eating out this old lady and i start to taste horse seamen, at that moment i think, "" oh grandma, thats how you died""

I tried to teach my grandma how to eat noodles with chopsticks She accidentally made a sweater.