Aging Jokes

A bottle of wine Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.   As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.   Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at eve…

I'll never forget my grandfather last words to me ""Stop shaking the ladder you cunt!""

My grandpa says he hates gay men I think he's just bitter about his last boyfriend

What did the Italian say to his grandmother with alzheimer's? fugetaboutit!

When I die I want to pass like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the other people in his car.

Depression I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, Social Security, retirement funds, and everything that I called the Suicide Lifeline. I was forwarded to a call centre in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they asked if I could drive a truck...

Energetic old couple recreate their first date. An elderly couple, celebrating their 50th anniversary, decide to recreate their first date by having dinner at the same restaurant. They order the same dinner, the same drinks, and the same dessert as their first time. As they're reminiscing, the drinks start kicking in and the old guy starts getting amorous thoughts. ""Do you remember what we did after dinner on that night?"" he asks. With a twinkle in her eye she replies ""Yes. We went around by …

Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens. Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.

Racist comments... Just like grandma used to make

Exercise can add years to your life. This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.

While getting thrown in jail, my grandma's pacemaker failed. I guess you could say it was a cardiac arrest for battery.

My grandfather told me he closed one eye whenever he saw a jew in the good old days... He was a sniper

A Chinese family moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school... They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, ""What do you want to change your name to?"" and he said ""Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?"" Ling overheard, and chimed in, saying that their father would disown him if he changed his name. One day, Ving decided he had …

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice... Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom. Little Johnny asked his Grandma, ""Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?"" ""Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn't like it. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just too scratchy.""

People always keep making jokes about how people died in the Holocaust, my grandpa died during the Holocaust. He fell off of a guard tower and broke his neck.

My grandfather could never throw anything away... That's why he died in the war holding a hand grenade

Did you hear Mexico agreed to help Donald Trump build his wall? They've gotta keep all those Americans out once Donald gets elected. Sorry, super liberal grandpa told me this one on Father's day. Couldn't help but share.

A grandmother and granddaughter go shopping... The grandmother is standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting impatiently for her granddaughter. When her granddaughter comes down, her shirt is low cut and see through. The grandmother says, ""you can't go out like that!"" The granddaughter replies ""you can't tell me what to do, it's my body!"" So the grandmother goes upstairs and comes back down in one of her grand daughter's low cut and see through tops. ""You can't wear that!"" The granddaugh…

Poor Grandma I was visiting my poor, penny pinching old grandma over Christmas break. When I tried to shower, I found that there was no hot water. I shouted, ""Grandma? Why does your shower only run cold water in the middle of winter?"" She replied, ""I still have some cold medicine from last winter that will expire if I don't use it up!'

My grandfather was often asked how he ended up having 7 children. He would always respond: ""Well, once we figured out what was causing it, we stopped."" (A random post reminded me of my grandfather's joke so I figured I'd share it with you all. Thanks for the laughs!)

My grandma started dying in the living room Well, I guess it isn't the living room anymore.

How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2...and don't ask me how they got in there. (My 87 year old grandma just told me this one)

My mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and I all currently have diarrhea. Runs in the family.

Elderly Scottish Jew An elderly Scottish Jew decides to slow down and take up golf. So he applies for membership at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been rejected. So he goes down to the club to inquire why. Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club? Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, MacTavish. Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear the kilt. Scot: Aye, so do I. Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing und…

Grandma and the bus driver A little old lady got on a city bus, and sat down behind the bus driver. After a couple minutes, she asked him, ""Hey, mister! Want some peanuts?"", and held up a bag full. ""Sure!"", he said, and popped a handful in his mouth. After eating several more, he asked, ""Hey...don't you want to have some of these?"" ""Nope,"" the old lady replied, ""Ain't got no teeth! I just likes the chocolate on the outsides!""