Aging Jokes

So my girlfriend and I... So last night, my girlfriend and I took a nice stroll around the park. We fed birds, ate ice cream on the park bench, ran around, laughed, played and kissed on the soft green grass. We were typical young adults making love every chance we got. We didn't make love because we specifically were attracted to each other but because we loved each other and new that we were meant to be. A few months later, I asked her to marry me and she said,''yes.'' We spent the next few yea…

What's the difference between my Grandma and the FBI? My Grandma can unlock an iphone.

My dear Grandpa died peacefully in his sleep. But his 3 passengers all went screaming.

This kid does a show and tell for his 3rd grade class... But first he wants to get some research on ""where do babies come from"". First the kid asks his mother and says ""Mum, where do babies come from?"" The mother replies, ""the stork brought you here."" So the kid goes to his dad and asks him, ""where do babies come from?"" The dad replies, ""the stork brought you here son."" Finally the kid asks his grandma. He goes up to her and asks, ""Grandma, where do babies come from?"" Grandma replies…

A boy asks his grandma where his parents are. In the morning a boy comes downstairs for breakfast and asks his grandma where his parents are. His grandma says, ""They are still in their bedroom."" The boy laughs, eats his breakfast and leaves. At lunch, the boy again asks his grandma where his parents are. His grandma again says, ""They are still in their bedroom."" The boy laughs again, eats his lunch and leaves. At dinner, the boy again asks his grandma where his parents are. His grandmas agai…

When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.

A customer at a hotel resort goes to complain to the manager. ""Manager,"" he says, ""there are far too many mosquitoes here. Is there perhaps something you can do to fix it?"" The manager replies: ""Absolutely sir, when the mosquitoes get particularly bad we use my grandfather. We bring him out on his wheelchair and cover him in honey and all the mosquitoes flock to him so that the rest of us can enjoy a nice mosquito-free evening."" The incredulous customer says: ""Why, that's absolutely barba…

Irish WW2 pilot An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot and flying ACE, was speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. ""In 1942,"" he says, ""the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember,"" he continues, ""one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these Fokkers appeared."" There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle. ""I looked up, and realized that two of the Fo…

My grandfather always used to say that to really know a person, you have to walk in his shoes. He had six hundred and nine pairs when they finally caught him.

I Remember The Last Thing My Grandpa Said to me Before he kicked the Bucket He said ""Hey, how Far Do you think i can kick this bucket?""

A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said ""Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians"". A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said ""Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians"". …

They should make a tabletop game about space marines saving for retirement Call it Warhammer 401k

The elderly man goes to visit a physician for a check-up The doctor notices that his hands are shaking like leaves in the wind. ""You must drink a lot,"" says the doctor. ""No, I don't,"" says the old guy, ""I spill most of it.""

Dad Joke My grandpa told me this one years ago. Found out recently he has Alzheimer's so this one's in his honor. (As far as I know it's not a repost but I don't read every joke every day.) ***** Question: How do you catch a polar bear? Answer: You cut a hole in the ice and surround it with peas. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

Little Johnny is getting ready to go to grandmas house... When he walks in on his mother in the shower. ""What's that?"" He asks pointing at her downstairs area. ""Why, that's just my black rabbit, Johnny. Now hurry up and finish getting ready."" He does and they are soon in the car on the way to grandmas. Once they get there, little Johnny runs ahead, through the front door, looking for grandma. He finds her, also in the shower. His jaw is agape, his pointing finger trembling. ""G-grandma, what…

My Grandma has such beautiful... 3-Ply toilet paper. It feels so good on my ass.

Gold chains would make a great retirement gift. For a VERY good slave.

Retired golf vacation in Hawaii... A man retires after 35 years at the same job and decides to take his first retirement vacation in Hawaii with his wife. He is really looking forward to two weeks of sightseeing and golf. The day they arrive, he signs up for pro golf lessons at the beautiful Pebble Beach Country Club. After a night out with his wife, they wake refreshed and go out to the links. The man and his wife and the golf pro begin the course and they do rather well. After the sixth hole, …

Dead ringer So the church I work at needed a new bell ringer as the old one retired, I put an add in the local paper and it wasn't long before somebody showed up but he didn't have any arms, before I could say a word he could see the doubt in my face and imediatly started to tell me he was an experienced bell ringer with a unique technique; he headbutts the bell, well I had to see this so I lead him up and up the steeple, stair after stair until we reached the top. Once there the guy jumped up a…

I just found out my grandmother only has one day left to live. And I know this might sound cruel... ...but I'm not paying the ransom. -Anthony Jeselnik

""Grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?"" When her sister dumped me.

My grandpa would always tell me ""You're my favorite granddaughter"" I was his only granddaughter.

Grandpa's joke last night. Two heavy set women are talking by the bar. The bartender says ""You ladies have a lovely accent. Are you from Scotland?"" One of them women goes ""No, Wales."" The bartender replied ""Are you whales from Scotland?"" Then grandpa precedes to explain the joke about them being whales. We were in my younger brothers school for a basketball game and everyone was in earshot.

Happy Birthday question from grandpa Hey nephew are you trying to overtake me?

What did Mulan's grumpy elderly friends say when they caught her with Li Shang? ""Get off Mu-lan!!!""