Aging Jokes

ADVICE FROM RON - A RETIRED HUSBAND It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with he…

My grandfather was a WWII vet... He said he went to Paris back in the day, and went into this lounge called ""Les Jardin Rois"" got drunk and pissed on the bar, banged all the waitresses, beat up the bouncer and threw a chair through the front window. Naturally, I went there on vacation one year and tried the same shit, got my ass kicked by a bunch of Parisians and thrown in jail. Calling him from the phone in prison he asked ""Who did you go to that lounge with?"" Taken back by the question, I …

A month before my grandfather died we had tried everything to cure him. We then heard you could try covering him head to toe in baby oil - after that he went downhill very quickly.

King decided to free the prisoners Once a king was in a very good mood and decided to free many prisoners. There was an elderly man among those prisoners. The king caught sight of him and inquired the old man: ""For how long you are in the prison?"" Old Man replied : ""Since the time of your father"" King became very sad and with tears in his eyes said: ""Put him back in the prison, as he is the remembrance of my father""

My grandpa said that my generation relies too much on technology So I said ""No, your generation relies too much on technology."" And I unplugged his life support.

Alcohol Abuse, Smoking and Staying out Late An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked what he is doing at this time of night. Tha man replies, ""I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effect it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"" The officer then asked, ""Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"" The man replies, ""That would be my wife""

The New Hat An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, ""Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"" ""Yes, I know,"" said the lady. ""I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."" ""But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!"" said the gentleman in earne…

Spiders Saw a huge spider the other day. my grandma always said ""it can't kill you, it's smaller then you"" I then pointed out that grenades are smaller. She doesn't say anything anymore, Cancer got her.

An old lady goes to buy cat food.... The person working the cash register says ""I'm sorry ma'am but there has been reports of elderly people eating this stuff, we'll need to see proof of your cat."" The old lady sighs and leaves. The next day she comes back with a box that contains her cat. The clerk sees this and let's her purchase the cat food. The next day the old lady comes in and says she needs some dog food. the clerk says ""I'm sorry ma'am but the same rules apply for dog food."" So she …

People call my Grandfather Spiderman... He doesn't have superpowers, he just finds it difficult getting out of the bath.

Grandpa...why is there a suppository in your ear? Oh... THAT's where my hearing aid went!

Knock knock Who's there? Grandma Grandma who? Grandma gun, were goin huntin'

An elderly couple's road trip around south east England *(Note for those unfamiliar with the British road network: 'A' roads are main, or arterial, roads and they are all identified by 'A' and a number.)* An elderly man is driving his wife on a road trip around the south east of England. Shortly after getting on to the A2, a police car signals them to pull over, and the old man obliges. The police officer walks up to the driver's side and the old man winds down the window. The policeman asks him…

Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community: Shop till you drop!

Tesla Car Driving Grandmother to Family Christmas. 12 Hours Later...: Pulls up into the family home dead with the children yelling ""Grandma's here! Grandma's here!""

My Grandfather is deceased So I guess that makes me 1/4 Deceased?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service... An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, ""Stop....Acts 2:38!"" (Turn from your sin). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked …

The Bait An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to the shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read...'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at …

My grandpa once told me... If you want a girl to accept your proposal, you have to spend 2 months salary on a ring. I asked him, what the hell is a salary?

What do you call a nursing home with a buffet? A Golden Corral.

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar & drinking Shot after shot. The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.' The American said, talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. 'I married a widow …

Harry wakes up in heaven... Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. ""What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?"" he asked. ""This is not your bedroom,"" the man replied, ""I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."" ""WHAT? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young."" said Harry. ""If I'm dead, I want you to send me ba…

An old WWII veteran was speaking with his grandson and extolling the virtues of being reckless and enjoying life while young. ""When I was your age, I went to Paris with some lads and we had a great time! We had our way with any French women we wanted, pissed on the Eifel tower, and beat the shit out of every Frog that crossed our paths! You have to live it up while you're young!"" So the grandson got some buddies and went to Paris. After thoroughly getting the shit beat out of them for picking …

(Series) A tabloid hires a retired MMA fighter to write the headlines in an effort to save copy space. Story: Speech impairment expert delights patient with early Christmas fancy dress. Headline: Sanda! Story: Suzanne Mcfamousinourtown dumped on wedding day by Israeli lover. Headline: Jiu-jitsu! Story: farmers set to start multi-storey farming with staple vegetables in new trials. Headline: High karate! Story: Japanese furniture and bakery store to open as competition to Swedish giants. Headline…

I was watching my grandson play some word game on his phone. He was repositioning two A's, an E, an I, an O and a U. ""Jason, that's the messiest vowel movement I've ever seen,"" I told him. He replied, ""You've never seen my shit after I eat alphabet soup, Grandpa.""