Aging Jokes

I was scraping a window at my Grandma's house.... I then thought up a joke for my mom to hear it was ""This window scraping stuff is a pane in the glass!"" She laughed :)

My grandpa is a total pervert My mom told me he had a stroke at my sister's piano recital

My elderly grandfather came over and complained of diarrhea. He repeatedly told everyone ""Shh"". It took us a while to realize he'd lost ""it"".

I'm going to put my grandmother on speed dial. I'll call it Instagram.

I still remember what my grandpa told me before he kicked the bucket. ""I wonder how far I can kick this bucket""

How do you make a venetian blind? Poke his eyes out Credits go to my 90 year old grandfather, currently completing his PhD

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, Not screaming and on fire like his passengers

Took my Grandma to a nibble fish spa.. It's cheaper than burial or cremation!

I asked a Southeast-Asian-looking elderly gentleman if he was from Thailand. He said, ""Yeah, Siam.""

The other day I was eating out my grandma, and I tasted horse cum. That's when I realized... That's how she died

A guy interviews an elderly couple During the interview, the old man asks his wife ""Sweetheart, could you make me some tea?"" The old woman promptly gets up and walks to the kitchen. The interviewer asks ""Wow, after 40 years you still call her sweetheart, that's amazing"" The old man then said ""Yea well, don't tell my wife I forgot her name""

Pink Ping Pong Ball A little boy named Marty was born one day to a wealthy family. On Marty's second birthday, his mom asked Marty what he wanted for his birthday. Marty said, ""I want a pink ping pong ball!"" Mom was confused why Marty wanted pink ping pong balls but agreed to buy them for her son's sake. Fast forward to Marty's 12^th birthday. Marty was treated to a surprise birthday party that he did not know about. He got cake and presents but was not satisfied. Marty's dad walked up to him …

My grandma once told me... that she is a virgin

Once upon a time ... ...there was a king who ordered to spread the news that if someone could come up with a lie so big that it can't be believed at all the king would gift them a big barrel of gold . On the first day came forth a shepherd and said to the king : my grandfather had a stick that he could move the stars with, the king simply said : my father had the same one, i used to play with it all the time... the Shepherd left empty handed. Then on the second day came a tailor and said : i'm t…

Nobody really knew that grandma had dentures until.... ...it came out during a conversation

I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully while asleep... And not like the 60 students on the bus he was driving.

An elderly couple... An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, n…

My grandfather went to the doctor The doctor said he has the body of a 21 year old, who smokes, drinks, and does hard drugs.

The Jokes,, About ''Thanks Giving'' Enjoy it....... After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly relative was missing. ""Where's Aunt Florence?"" she asked. From across the room came a masculine drawl, ""Oh, she's with the kids, bridging the generation gap.""

My Gpa said... My Grandpa said, ""Your generation relies too much on technology!"" I replied, ""No, your generation relies too much on technology!"" Then I unplugged his life support.

My Grandfather had the heart of a Lion and a lifetime BAN from the city Zoo.

My Grandfather Says I should not be so Dependent upon technology... ...Yet he is the one hooked to life support.

A boy wakes up on his birthday... He runs to his dad and yells, ""Dad, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!"" Playing along, the boy's father asks,""How old are you?"" The boys yells, ""I'm 11!"" He then runs out of the room. Next, the boy runs to his grandma and yells,""Grandma, it's my birthday! Guess how old I am!"" Grandma calmly says, ""Come here."" And the boy slowly approached. The grandma takes her old, frail, white hand and sticks it in the boys underpants. After a few minutes of reach…

My Grandpa has a French rifle from WWII It was never fired, but it was dropped once.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen…