Aging Jokes

A mexican boy is making tortillas when... So a mexican boy and his mother are making tortillas when he gets the idea for a joke. He throws flour on his face and smiles at his mother and goes "" Mom , look, I'm a white boy!"" His mother hits his face in digust and yells "" Go show your father!"" Hoping his father will get the joke, he obliges, and goes to his father and yells ""Dad, look, I'm a white boy!"" His father slaps him across the face and yells ""Go show your grandmother!"" The boy liste…

My grandfather died during the Holocaust He fell off a guard tower.

An elderly snake couple dies in a horrific traffic accident. Their grown children, while planning the funeral, learned they had to have a closed-casket service. ""Will we be able to tell which is which?"" asked the oldest snake daughter. ""Of course,"" said the snake funeral director. ""They're hiss and hearse.""

My Pre-Calculus teacher added another level to a well known joke today. His projector died, and he said that it kicked the bucket, so I said 'Do you want to know what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket? ""How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?""' To which my teacher replied "" Then he had a heart attack, right?"" The entire class lost it.

Story about a blue fish. A boy was told to draw a blue fish for homework. The next day he brought the drawing back to school and showed it to the teacher, the teacher looked at it and told him to leave the class and go to the principal. At the principal's office the boy was asked why he was sent, the boy responded; ""Well I was told to draw a blue fish but as soon as the teacher saw it she sent me to you."" The principal asked to see the drawing and upon viewing it expelled the student from the …

Before my grandma kicked the bucket, he said one thing to me ""How far do you think I can kick this bucket?""

Boudreaux's Annual Check-Up Boudreaux, an 80-year-old Louisiana Cajun, goes to the doctor for his every year check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape he is. ""How do you stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"" ""I stay in de swamp and I hunt and fish every day,"" say de old Cajun. ""Dat's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out huntin' or fishin' ... all day. I have a beer wid breakfast and at lunch and wid my supper. An' I have a shot of hooch before…

My Grandpa Dropped this Bombshell At Christmas Dinner. Me: What did you get for christmas grandma? Grandma: John (grandpa) didn't get me anything this year. Grandpa: Ya, last year I bought you a plot at the cemetery and you never even used it!!

My grandmother always wanted to be in a gated community So that's why I chose to have her buried at the cemetery when she died.

Your mother and I are getting a divorce after 45 years of marriage. An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, ""I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"" ""Dad, what are you talking about?"" the son yells. ""We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"" the old dad explained. ""We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your …

""Grandpa, are you sure you want to order crazy beef with ghost chilis?"" ""It'll Szechuan fire.""

Victorian-era newlyweds. My grandpa told me this one today: A victorian era couple tied the knot, then rode off into the sunset in a horse-drawn carriage. After some time, one of the horses stumbled, but kept walking. ""That's one,"" said the groom. The bride disregarded the comment. After a while, the same horse stumbled again. ""That's two,"" said the groom in an ominous tone. Some time later, the horse stumbled again. ""That's three!"" the groom grumbled, as he halted the horses. He climbed d…

A young boy sees his grandma in the shower... A young boy accidentally walks in on his grandma in the shower, his eyes stray to in between her legs... ""What's that grandma?"" he asks her, pointing towards her pubic area. Not wanting to disturb the boy she says ""That is grandma's hedgehog"" ""Is it dead?"" asks the boy ""No, why did you ask that?"" the grandma asks ""Because all its guts are falling out!""

A joke from my grandfather Billy walks into the office one day looking very excited. He rounds up all the other guys in the office and says ""I found the greatest horse in the world, and if we all bet on him in the next race, we could all be rich."" ""What makes you think this horse is so great?"" asks a skeptical co-worker. ""Well,"" says Billy, ""this horse has never been ridden."" ""This is ridiculous,"" says the co-worker, ""if this horse has never even been ridden, how can you be so sure it…

My friend works as a CNA and was taking care of a patient with dementia/Alzheimer's. My friend was telling me about the patient. The patient was confused, she would talk to her walking cane. She named it George. I asked my friend why she was in the hospital. My friend proceeded to tell me that the patient used to live in a nursing home and was assaulted by a black female resident. Turns out, they got into a fight and she was beaten very badly; ironically, the other resident used a walking cane t…

Grandpa gave us all a good laugh with this one tonight. So there's this guy who just bought a grandfather clock, its an old, one of a kind piece. After the transaction was complete he hauls the thing outta there. While he was just outside of the door this drunk stumbles up and bumps into him. knocking the clock to the ground with a loud bang and a snap. The man looked at the drunk with complete rage and let him have it. The drunk looks at the clock and then back at the man and says ""The heck, w…

An exhibitionist is discussing retirement with his wife. But after talking it out he decides, ""Actually, I think I'll stick it out one more year.""

Grandma and Grandpa decided to start fooling around after watching tv in the front room. Grandma lays down on her back to get a little oral pleasure. Grandpa starts in between her legs. He comments, ""Geez, Flossie, you are a bit dry down here."" Grandma replies, ""Move up! You are licking the carpet.""

Three retired professors are on the golf course. Three retired professors are on the golf course on a windy day in the desert. At the 9th tee, the Math prof exclaims, ""It sure is windy."" The English prof looks at him and say, ""Not it's not, it's Thursday."" Then the Biology guys looks over and yells, ""So am I, let's go get a beer.""

Two Friends Two friends A and B were talking of their grandfathers. A says: My grandfather has the largest hospital. B says: This is nothing. My grandfather has the tallest stick that can touch clouds in the sky. A asks: Where does your grandfather put that stick? B replies: In your grandfather's hospital!

Last week, I told my grandpa that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping. He just called me from Brazil.

Son: Daddy, what's it like to have the most awesome son in the world ? Father: I don't know, ask your grandfather.

Little girl comes home from school crying ... Her mother sees her and asks her why she is crying. Little girl says that children in school told her that her face looks like an ass. He mother quickly dismisses this, and assures the girl that this is not so. But the girl does not believe her and keeps on crying. Her father sees her and asks why she is crying, and little girl tells him the same thing: Children in school say that my face looks like an ass. You are very beautiful, says her father, th…

A man hung himself... ...and a note was found in his pocket. ""Due to my the circumstances surrounding my family I've decided to end my life. I'm married to a widow who's got a daughter of legal age. My father, who visited us often, fell in love with this daughter and married her. My father became my daughters husband and my daughter became my mom, because she was married to my father. Then my wife gave birth to a son. That son was my fathers brother-in-law and my uncle, because he was my mother…

Picture!!!!!! A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. But being too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later, he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then reme…