Aging Jokes

A grandpa tells his grandson ""Your generation depends too much on technology."" The grandson unplugs his grandpa's life support.

Not the typical format for a post here, but thought it was worth sharing My grandfather passed away this week, and I'll always remember him for his jokes. He served in the military when he was younger, then raised 3 kids (including my mother). When my mother and my father were dating, he went over to their house just to stop by (he worked not too far away), and he saw my grandmother scratching off a lottery ticket. He asks ""You ever win anything off of those tickets?"", and my grandmother repli…

Learning to Swear Two brothers, 7 and 5, decide one evening that they are getting older, and it's time they learned to swear. The older brother says that he will work on ""Damn"" and the younger brother agrees to refine his usage of ""Ass"". The next morning, the brothers come down the stairs and their mother asks them what they'll have for breakfast. The older brother pipes up ""I'll have some of those damn Cheerios!"" The mother gasps, spanks the boy, drags him to the bathroom to wash his mout…

A retired Marine Chesty, a retired Marine, takes a job at a local hardware store for something to do in his retirement. He's been working there for about a month when his boss notices he's been late every single day. The boss walks over to Chesty and says ""Chesty, you've been late every single day. If you can't make it to work on time tomorrow I'll have to fire you."" The next day Chesty shows up ten minutes late and the boss says ""Chesty like I said yesterday, if you can't make it to work on …

My grandpa died in the holocaust... He fell off the guard tower.

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course... An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50 HAND JOB: $250.00 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar &am…

College teaches you there's an easy way to do everything. A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them. The kid says, ""Hey, Pop, I learned in college there's an easy way to do everything."" So they go downtown to purchase some dynamite, and rig it up under the outhouse to blow the solids into the strawberry patch. As they run for cover, they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. *KaBo…

My friend's grandpa who was suffering from Alzheimer's passed away recently He forgot he was alive

The importance of commas ""Let's eat, grandpa!"" said the incestuous cannibal

An elderly woman was at the doctor's office... She asked why she was so sore all the time. He replied, jokingly, ""A dissipated youth?"" She replied, ""I wish I could remember him!""

my chilli fart.... went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to Shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cup…

What do you call a dog that wisely saves money for retirement? A 401(K-9).

Why did the retired police officer decide to become a DJ? So he could still get to say ""Put your hands in the air.""

I was at the bank earlier and an elderly lady asked me to check her balance for her I still don't understand why she was mad when I pushed her over

My grandmother was just diagnosed with Parkinson's disease She looks pretty shaken up about it

Told my grandma that some chimps and monkeys are learning to hunt with Spears. She responded with ""what? Are they gonna join isis too?""

My grandpa told me his secret of how he would pick up Jewish girls in Auschwitz so easily. He used a broom & dustpan.

""But mom! I don't like grandma."" ""Keep quiet, son, and finish your plate.""

Every Day in Florida Two elderly ladies, Phyllis and Marge, were driving to a church gathering. Phyllis was behind the wheel while Marge rode shotgun, knitting. Out of the corner of her eye, Marge thought she saw a stop sign flash by and asked herself if perhaps Phyllis had blown past it, so she paid attention as they approached another. Sure enough, Phyllis cruised through the intersection without stopping. ""Phyllis! You just ran a stop sign!"" ""Oh!"" replied Phyllis, ""Am I driving?""

A beautiful young girl of around 18 years tried to board a bus. A beautiful young girl of around 18 years,tried to board a bus but the bus conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the cent…

My grandma can't wrestle But you should see her box.

An elderly gentleman visits the doctor The doctor explores some older gentleman: - You have a superb health, you have no disease. Do you have a question? - Yes, I have, Doctor. When I are together with my wife, is to me terribly hot, and I sweat, and when we repeated the business, then call me cold, and I frostotremas. The doctor also explores his wife, also she is healthy. He tells her that her husband has as a strange problem. The lady replied: - Oh, the old madman! This is indeed so, for the …

I will never forgive the nazis for what they did to my grandfather He worked 8 years on the guard tower with out a single promotion

Grandma's not dead... ... she just stored in the cloud now.

A kid on the beach was digging a hole... His grandfather asked him if he was digging to hell. ""No,"" the boy replied. ""I'm digging to China!"" ""China, hell, who cares? It's all the same."" --- *I regret nothing.*