Aging Jokes

Little Johnny... .... woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter. ""I have to make pee pee"", wailed Little Johnny. ""All right,"" said his mother, ""I'll take you to the bathroom."" ""No"" insisted Little Johnny, ""I want Grandma."" ""Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma,"" said his mother firmly."" ""Nuh-uh. Her hands shake."" replied Little Johnny.

Punctuation Let's eat Grandpa Let's eat, Grandpa. Correct punctuation can save a person's life .

Two Brothers In Grandmas House Just before Christmas, two brothers were spending the night at their Grandmas house. At bed time, they knelt down to say their prayers. As they closed their eyes, one boy said in a loud voice, ""Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a Wii, a telescope and a new bike."" His older brother said, ""Why are you shouting? God is not deaf."" ""I know,"" said his brother, ""but Grandma is.""

What do you call parents who teach abstinence only? Grandma and grandpa.

My 98 year old grandpa is reading the newspaper and talking loudly to himself or whomever listens: Grandpa: I beat you, you, you and you! Me: Have you been taking up sports lately? Grandpa: No, I am reading the death announcements.

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians. Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart?…

My grandpa used to say that dating was like doing laundry. Never mix the whites with the colors.

Job listing - Gynecologist's Assistant A retired man at the Job Center in downtown Denver saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read; ""The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, apply shaving foam, then gently shave them, and rub in soothing oils so they're ready…

Two Japanese sewer workers started at the same time every day, shared the same locker room, worked in the same sewer, ended at the same time and never once spoke a word to each other. Fifty years later, they both retire on the same day and as a cost-cutting measure the company has a single retirement party for both of them. At the party, they're chatting away to each other, laughing at the other's jokes and having a great time. A confused colleague approaches and says ""I though you guys hated e…

Based on a true story about my great grandmother An old woman is having trouble sleeping, and she goes to a doctor for help with her problem. The doctor suggests having a glass of wine before bed to relax her. The woman had never been much of a drinker, but she agreed to give it a try. She comes back to the office a week later, and the doctor asked how the treatment went. She said, ""It was amazing! One glass and I'd be out cold almost immediately. One annoying thing though, it was pretty hard t…

An elderly couple file for divorce... ... After 60 years of marriage. The lawyer they meet with prepares all the paperwork but stops before handing it to the couple to sign and asks; ""By all means I can let you do this, but please let me know why? Why after over half a century of happy marriage would you want to end it now? What could ruin such a long streak of love?"" ""Well,"" replies the wife, ""we wanted to wait until the kids were dead.""

A young man's Grandfather dies. He asks his Grandmother how he died. She said "" Well every Sunday We would make love to the sound of the church bells, they were slow enough for us."" The young man asked ""But how did he die then?"" She replied "" He would still be alive if it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream truck.""

2 elderly couples meet up one afternoon The 2 husbands are chatting about what they've been up to recently. ""We went to the most fantastic restaurant the other night"" says the first. ""Which place was that?"" asks his friend. The first guy is really struggling to remember the name, and says ""Man, it's on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't remember.. What's the name of that flower, the one with sharp thorns on it, which is sometimes red or white, and has a nice smell?"" ""Rose?"" Suggests …

A woman brings her elderly husband to the doctor for his annual check-up. After the examination, the doctor pulls the woman aside. ""Your husband is in good physical shape,"" he says, ""But I'm concerned about his mental health. He told me that when he gets up to go to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him."" ""Oh, damn!"" the wife replies, ""He's pissing in the refrigerator again.""

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when... one of the men asked the other, ""Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"" ""Outstanding,"" Fred replied. ""They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me."" ""That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"" Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, ""What do you call that flower…

I put my grandma on speed dial. Instagram is a thing, right?

This was my grandma's favorite joke A man lives alone in his apartment. He never married, doesn't stay in touch with his family, and generally keeps to himself. One day while at home watching TV, his phone rings and he answers it. A deep, slow voice says to him ""the viper is coming..."", and then hangs up before the man has any chance to respond. He thinks it was pretty strange, but he figures it must just be some kids playing a bad prank or something. Half an hour later, his phone rings again.…

An elderly woman visiting her Doctor While at the Doctors office she starts talking about how depressed she had been ever since her husband had passed. She asks the Doctor ""if you were going to end it all how would you do it?"" The Doctor puzzled about the question but can see the pain in her weepy eyes. He replies ""oh I don't know, I guess a shotgun to the heart would guaranty the outcome."" The Doctor finishes up the exam and the elderly woman is released by the Nurse. On the way out the eld…

My grandpa Lloyd was 5'5"", and his brother Chris was 6'3"". When they were growing up... ...and it became clear that they were going to have a significant difference in their heights, Lloyd asked Chris if he was doing anything special to become so tall. Chris leaned in close and quietly said, ""It sounds silly, but every night before I go to bed, I sneak into the pantry, take a handful of lard, and rub it all over my body. Ever since I started doing this, I've grown an inch every month."" So th…

There have been so many fires at nursing homes lately, the fire chief said he's declaring them all fire hazards! He said he has no choice, because they are all full of dried up old things furiously being rubbed together.

This Clever Elderly Woman Calls The Hospital Read. A friend of mine just share this joke. Here's a little something to put a smile on your face: An elderly lady calls the hospital to check on a patient. What she ends up doing is as brilliant as it is funny! A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, ""Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"" The operator said, ""I can, what's the name and room number?"" The old lady in her weak voice…

My grandfather had his tongue shot off in the war. We could never get him to talk about it.

He Takes His Golf Seriously. An elderly golfer is about to putt when a funeral procession drives by. He removes his hat, and waits for the cars to pass by. His golfing buddy turns to him and says, ""That was very thoughtful of you to do that."" He responds, ""Well, it seemed appropriate. I was married to the woman for 55 years.""

GRANDMA'S RACY NEW PANTIES An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband. When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. ""Hey old timer,"" she says, ""come and get some of this!"" The old man says, ""Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!""

I hope to die the same way my grandfather died Asleep. Not screaming like everyone else in the car.