Montana Jokes

Miley Montana (whatever) has decided to quit "singing" to focus on "acting". I am very "concerned."

My niece guessed the capital of Montana is Hannah, and I had to give it to her because as far as I know that's correct

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus' grandma and not Nana Montana.

A young divinity student is sent from Montana to the Bronx. When he approaches the church where he was assigned, a young lady approaches him and says, ""Hey father, want a blow job? Fifty bucks."" He doesn't know what the girl means but assumes it isn't appropriate, so he declines. After being intruduced to the staff at the church, he pulls an older nun aside and says, ""Forgive me sister, but what's a blow job?"" She replies, ""Fifty bucks, same as on the street."" And yes.. I know it's an old …

If a plane from California crashes in a cemetery in Montana where are the survivors buried?

A businessman decides to leave city life behind. He had spent his entire career working late hours at a stressful job for bosses he hated and decides to give it all up. So he buys a large ranch in central Montana and spends his days raising livestock, maintaining fences, engrossing himself in his new setting. For a time he is content, but weeks pass and loneliness begins to settle in. He feels isolated and begins to wonder if he made a mistake leaving the hustle and bustle of city life. But then…

The Nun And The Camel A nun is invited to Saudi Arabia on an interfaith exchange program. After being shown around, she asks to see where the camels are raised. Her guide - a devout Muslim says, ""Oh no, Sister, I cannot do this. Today we geld the male camels and this is entirely inappropriate for a woman to see, let alone a woman of God."" She laughs, and says, ""I was raised on a ranch in Montana, I have seen this many times. I assure you, I will take no offense"", and off they go. She watches…

An old couple gets pulled over... An old couple gets pulled over in Oklahoma. The cop says to the man driving, ""License please."" The cop looks at the id and says, ""wow, you're from Montana. I once went there and had the worst piece of ass in Montana."" The wife says ""what'd the officer say honey?"" The husband replied, ""He says he knows you.""

Cloud 9 Joke On a flight, the plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. ""I'm too young to die,"" she wails. Then she yells, ""Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"" For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten…

Which is the favorite US State of Miley Cyrus ? Montana.

Job listing - Gynecologist's Assistant A retired man at the Job Center in downtown Denver saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read; ""The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, apply shaving foam, then gently shave them, and rub in soothing oils so they're ready…

Bear Warning! Grizzly Bear Notice: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good ide…

Senator John Tester from Montana and his executive assistant both have only seven fingers. That is so hot!

It seems that Montana has found a new use for sheep . . . Wool

Topical Jokes for 1/2 Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid suffered fractured ribs, and broken bones in his face after falling off of a piece of exercise equipment. Reid is no stranger to injury, like the time he tried to open a jar of mayonnaise, and broke both of his legs. In Colorado a survey determined that 90% of residents who voted to legalize marijuana, would vote the same way again. The remaining 10% were too high to understand the question. In Montana, a boy's parents rewarded him with $50…

Lewis and Clark were walking through Montana when they met an Indian scout who offered to help them hunt buffalo. The scout took them out in the morning and put his ear to the ground. After a while, he said ""Buffalo come."" Lewis asked the scout, ""How do you know?"" The scout said, ""Face sticky.""

a couple of bros... ""I wanna know. Which one of you is Bro Montana, and which is Terrell Browens?""

Three men are sitting in a delivery room... Three men are sitting in a waiting room outside a delivery room in a hospital. A nurse comes out of the delivery room and addresses the first man: ""Sir, your wife just gave birth to a beautiful and healthy set of quadruplets."" The man replies: ""That's so amazing because I live in Four Corners, Montana, what are the odds?"" Another nurse comes out of the delivery room and addresses the second man: ""Sir, your wife just gave birth to a beautiful and h…

This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish! A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Montana and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, ""I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."" The old rancher said, ""Okay, but don't go in that field over there."" The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, ""Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the farmer. ""See this b…

An Old Montana Cowboy An 80-year-old rancher from Montana goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?' 'I'm from Montana and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a sh…

Minimum Wage The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards got an anonymous tip that a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help. They immediately sent an official agent out to investigate him. GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $350 a week plus free room and board. GOVT AGENT: Well, those payments and conditions are within the law. Anybody else work …

What do you say to the Montana barista when they overfill your chamomile? Beautiful

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, ""$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00"" The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, ""Is the sign right?"" The Indian says, ""yes."" The cowboy hands him a five and says, """"you're on"" The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, ""you're from Wyoming."" The cowboy shakes his head and says, ""…

On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. ""I'm too young to die,"" she wails. Then she yells, ""Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"" For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their o…

Slim walked into his local post office and noticed a new sign on the wall: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY IN MONTANA ""Gosh!"" he said ""If n only that job was in Texas Ah'd take it!""