Aging Jokes

My grandfather was treated very badly by the Germans in WW2. Passed over for promotion time and time again.

The Newlyweds and their Donkey A couple just got married, they had a wonderful wedding ceremony, and after the guests had all left they got in their cart and headed home. The cart was pulled by the husband's old donkey, and he was mostly blind. As they were heading home, the donkey stumbled, causing the cart to shake. The husband said: ""Thats One"". A few miles down the road, the donkey tripped on a rock and caused the cart to veer to the side of the road. The husband said: ""Thats Two"". When …

We've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been shared, 50/50. A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his…

Asked my grandfather if he had anything equivalent to Victoria's Secret when he was young He said ""No, we had morals.""

So Joseph Stalin is giving a speech, and all of a sudden, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech. Stalin gets mad and asks, ""Who sneezed?"". Stalin asks once again, ""Who sneezed?"" When nobody comes forward, Stalin says ""Very well. First row, stand up!"". The first row in the crowd stands up, and a firing squad shoots them all. ""Who sneezed?"", Stalin asks again, but nobody comes forward. ""Alright, second row, stand up!"". The second row stands up and they are shot by the firing squad. ""…

An elderly man goes to get his haircut at the local barber shop... During the haircut he told the barber that he has trouble shaving his face now because he has wrinkles and it's hard to get in there. ""Oh that's a very common problem,"" the barber says. ""What you can do is borrow this wooden ball and when you shave next, put it inside your cheek and that should stretch your skin out enough for a good shave!"" So the man takes it home and when he shaved the next morning, he found that it worked…

My grandpa always told me to watch my health, not my money.. ... one day as I was taking a walk, watching my health, someone stole my wallet. It was my grandpa.

What do you call an elderly vampire? Grampire.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.

What do you get when you cross a rhino with an elephant? Hell-if-i-know (my grandma's favorite joke)

So I was eating out this girl one time... And then I tasted horse cum, and said ''Grandma that's how you died''

unbelievable job seeker Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, ""And what starting salary are you looking for?"" The engineer replies, ""In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer inquires, ""Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and …

a jokes about:: FORGET ABOUT IT After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, ""Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"" ""Nonsense,"" says the husband. ""I can remember a dish of ice cream."" ""Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it,"" the wi…

Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. Since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the 'Wal-Martians' is always good for some comic relief. While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, ""Are you a Vietnam Vet?"" ""No,"" I replied. ""Then why are you wearing that cap?"" ""Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."" [I thought this was a snappy retort.] ""The War of 1812, huh?"" the 'Wal-Martian' qu…

I really hope to die as peacefully as my grandfather did. Nothing like his passengers, though. They must have been losing their minds before the plane hit the trees.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... Grandma's beating off the Indians but they're still coming.

Sharing A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man dec…

Police last night raided the Home For Retired Thieves and Au Pairs.... ...they proceeded to search every crook and nanny!

Two old ladies are outside of their retirement home smoking. All of a sudden it starts to rain. The first lady pulls out a condom, snips off the tip, and puts it over here cigarette. The second lady asks why she did this. The first responds, ""it keeps my cigarette from getting too wet."" The next day, the second lady goes to her local 7-11 and asks the cashier for a box of condoms. The cashier is surprised due to her age, but asks ""what size do you need?"" The lady responds, ""doesn't matter, …

Cut to the quick! The post office worker at the main office finds an unstamped, poorly handwritten envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it's from an elderly lady, distressed because all of her savings of $200 had been stolen. She will be cold and hungry at Easter without divine intervention. The worker organises the postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $180 to donate. They get the money to the old woman by special courier the same morning. A week later, the same postal w…

My grandfather, my mom, and my siblings all have diarrhea. Runs in the family.

One evening... ...a father passed his daughter's bedroom and heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped to listen and heard her say, ""God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma."" How odd, thought father, but he didn't want his daughter to know he'd been listening so he didn't say anything to her. But tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few months went by and one evening father heard his daughter praying again. ""God bless mommy, God bl…

Miss Prim, the elderly spinster, is giving an introductory talk at the girl's college. ""Now, girls,"" she says, ""whenever you go out, remember: no smoking in the streets, no bad conduct in public and when the men bother you, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, girls, are there any questions?"" A voice from the back of the hall cries, ""How do you make it last an hour?""

My grandpa told me this joke when I was 6 A rabbit and a buzzard, after earning some extra cash, decide that they are going to start a farm growing wheat. Rabbit tells the Buzzard he should begin to plow the soil, while Rabbit goes into town to pick up some manure. While Rabbit is away, the Buzzard strikes oil digging in the field and becomes filthy rich. The Rabbit returns a few days later to find that the modest farmhouse he left has been replaced with a gigantic mansion. The Rabbit rings the …

Bobo the clown just retired (disturbing) He has just entertained his last group of children after a long career. Having grown weary of being a clown, he was thrilled to be taking off his clown makeup for the very last time. Then there was a knock on the door and a boys voice saying ""Bobo, Bobo show me another trick!"" ""the show's over, kid."" the boy persisted, ""please, Bobo, please! show me another trick!"" The boy never stopped nagging and finally Bobo flung the door open. ""Ok, kid, you wa…