Massachusetts Jokes

In Massachusetts you can't buy liquor before noon on Sundays. But bless your raging alcoholic heart for trying.

So a Higgs Boson boards the Mayflower... As the pilgrims set sail on the Mayflower at Southampton, England, a Higgs boson decided to join them. He snuck into the storage compartment, where he remained for the rest of the voyage. After weeks of travel, the ship anchored at Plymouth, and the boson went to get off the gangway but was stopped by some of the pilgrims. A very angry man in particular looked at the boson and boomed, ""We don't allow Higgs bosons on our ventures! This endeavor is strictl…

Once upon a time, squirrels terrorized a small church in Massachusetts Nothing the townspeople did could stop them. The squirrels disrupted church services and everybody was on edge during church, what with the constant running and biting and chewing on personal belongings. They tried traps, poison, releasing cats into the aisles, but to no avail. The squirrels tripped the traps without getting caught, avoided the poison, and scared away all the cats. The old pastor of the local church moved awa…

If a Church Congregation from Massachusetts goes on a Bus Ride It would be Mass Mass Mass Transit

Massachusetts just released a new calculator, the MI-83... Doesn't allow you to perform high-capacity equations, and there is a special three step button you have to depress in order to clear the screen for a new calculation to be performed. Limited order of operations. Also, no pocket sizes or comfy side grips allowed.

What do you call it when... A guy from Massachusetts doesn't pull out? A Boston cream pie!

There once was a man from Massachusetts And his name is JOHN CENAAAAAAA

My dad's 5:30 AM sense of humor My ex-gf was over the house, and we were waking up early to go down to massachusetts early one thursday morning (we live in NH). We never would wake up early so her being up and moving at 530 surprised him. As she comes out of the bathroom he asks "" What are you two doing up so early in the morning?"" she replies ""Going down to Mass.."" ""Huh, didn't know they held church on thursdays."" I heard the face palm from the hallway.

It's scary living in Massachusetts... Every time I watch the news I hear about Mass shootings.

unbelievable job seeker Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, ""And what starting salary are you looking for?"" The engineer replies, ""In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer inquires, ""Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and …

What do you call someone from Massachusetts who murders a bunch of Catholics? A Mass. Mass Mass Murderer.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, ""And what starting salary are you looking for?"" The engineer replies, ""In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer inquires, ""Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased eve…

You can't declare Massachusetts a state of emergency Because they're actually a commonwealth.

Job Interview to a Young Engineer Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, ""And what starting salary are you looking for?"" The engineer replies, ""In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer inquires, ""Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of sa…

Its so cold In Massachusetts I just seen a democrat with his hands in his own pockets! ;)

[Request] Funny name for a radio show I need a clever name for a music radio show on a college radio station (all genres). It's in Massachusetts if that helps at all. I was thinking something like ""[College Names] #1 Most Radio Show Thanks!

A man decides he wants to try the Boston seafood specialty of scrod A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, ""Do you know where I can get scrod around here?"" ""Sure,"" said the cabdriver. ""I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative a…

A woman in Massachusetts recently had twin boys who were born 24 days apart. It got weird when the second baby was born. The second twin said, ""I guess I should have downloaded that alarm that wakes me up when it's my stop.""

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with ""I'm not trying to make you look stupid but Cape Town is in Massachusetts."" Without trying to make her look like the stupid one I calmly explained ""Cape Cod is in Massachusetts Capetown is in Africa."" Her response... click.

Reaching the end of a job interview.. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of sa…

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai. The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction. A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased …

A job interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company ca…

Surveys show people from Massachusetts go camping more than any other state. Their destination usually includes one of Connecticut's many passing lanes.

What's the capital of Massachusetts? M