In Massachusetts you can't buy liquor before noon on Sundays. But bless your raging alcoholic heart for trying.

So a Higgs Boson boards the Mayflower... As the pilgrims set sail on the Mayflower at Southampton, England, a Higgs boson decided to join them. He snuck into the storage compartment, where he remained for the rest of the voyage. After weeks of travel, the ship anchored at Plymouth, and the boson went to get off the gangway but was stopped by some of the pilgrims. A very angry man in particular looked at the boson and boomed, ""We don't allow Higgs bosons on our ventures! This endeavor is strictl…

Once upon a time, squirrels terrorized a small church in Massachusetts Nothing the townspeople did could stop them. The squirrels disrupted church services and everybody was on edge during church, what with the constant running and biting and chewing on personal belongings. They tried traps, poison, releasing cats into the aisles, but to no avail. The squirrels tripped the traps without getting caught, avoided the poison, and scared away all the cats. The old pastor of the local church moved awa…

Georgia and Connecticut girls Two freshmen girls are moving into their dorm room together. One of them's from Georgia, one of them's from Connecticut. The girl from Connecticut's helping her mother put up curtains. Girl from Georgia turns to them and says, ""Hi. Where y'all from?"" Girl from Connecticut says, ""we're from a place where we know not to end a sentence with a preposition."" The girl from Georgia says, ""Oh, beg my pardon. Where y'all from...cunt? House of Cards s1, e4