Human Resources Jokes

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it "inappropriate"

I keep getting fired... ...and every time it happens, I walk into the Human Resources manager's office to find an alien sitting there coring apples with its pharyngeal jaws. Starting to see a pattern, I've come up with a device that will let me know *before* I enter the office, so I can merely pack up my things and go. I call it the HR Giger Counter.

Last night I went on a blind date with an attractive woman It started off great, with easy small talk at the restaurant. She asked about my job. I told her entrepreneur. She asked what I liked most about my job. I replied, 'freedom.' We started to get in that comfortable groove. ""My daddy always told me, "" she said, with a far away look and wistful grin. ""Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and it'll take ten times the effort to beat his will into submission.…

unbelievable job seeker Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, ""And what starting salary are you looking for?"" The engineer replies, ""In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer inquires, ""Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and …

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, ""And what starting salary are you looking for?"" The engineer replies, ""In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer inquires, ""Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased eve…

Job Interview to a Young Engineer Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, ""And what starting salary are you looking for?"" The engineer replies, ""In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer inquires, ""Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of sa…

Why Old Men Don't Get Hired... Job Interview: Human Resources Manager: ""What is your greatest weakness?"" Old Man : ""Honesty."" Human Resources Manager: ""I don't think honesty is a weakness."" Old Man : ""I don't really give a shit what you think.""

Your first job interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of business school, ""And what starting salary are you looking for?"" The applicant answered, ""In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."" The interviewer said, ""Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased ev…

Starting salary. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Co…

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity... ... "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole c…

Reaching the end of a job interview.. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of sa…

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of university, "what starting salary are you expecting?" The engineer replies, "$200,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer says, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, full medical and dental, gym membership, all meals provided and a Lamborghini company car to use?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow, are you kidding?!" The interviewer …

A job interview Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company ca…

What department do you not want to end up at in a corporation run by cannibals? Human Resources.