Aging Jokes

A woman wakes up on the morning of her 45th birthday ... and shes feeling self conscious about her age so when she gets to work she ask the intern how old she looks and he says ""maybe 30 ?"" shes obviously happy to hear this and says ""Actually I'm 45 today "" After work the woman decides to go the butcher shop and while the clerk is preparing her order she asks ""how old do you think I look?"" the clerk looks her up and down and says "" perhaps 40 or late 30's"" the woman is elated to hear thi…

Pink and wrinkly What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your boxer shorts? Your grandma.

My grandfather was a fantastic fisherman... they used to call him the ""Master-Baiter"".

An elderly man goes to visit the cardiologist... An elderly fellow is at the doctor's office back for his annual checkup. The cardiologist was shocked to see how good of shape the man was in. He asks, ""wow you look great, what have you been doing this past year?"" The patient responds, ""Doc I just followed your advice. You told me to be carefree and find a hot mama!"" The doctor responds, ""No, I told you that you have to be careful, you have a heart murmur!""

I can't say enough good things about my grandmother. She just isn't very nice.

A conversation between 3 partially deaf elderly men. Elder 1: It's windy! Elder 2: No, it's thursday! Elder 3: Right, let's all get a cuppa tea shall we?

Two blokes walk into a tailors and try on a variety of suits. The young sales clerk is obviously new, is constantly bringing out the wrong size, wrong style and so on. Neither men are particularly bothered however as eventually they decide on a pair of suits they both like and go on to pick out some ties. It as this point the sales clerk gets really nervous, and clearly struggles to put the tie on the customers necks. This continues for about 5 minutes before a small elderly south east asian man…

An old, old joke I heard yesterday Three friends gathered round a campfire were swapping family stories. Rick said,""My granddad once pushed his truck for 3 miles searching for a gas station."" Martin chimed in at that point, ""That's nothing. My grandfather used to be very strong. He once lifted his old Ford while his friends changed two flats, as their jack was broken."" Johnny rolled his eyes at that and said, ""My grandfather once let an 18 wheeler freight-liner run over him. He would have b…

What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your undies? Your grandma.

A little boy skips school... Grandpa: ""Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!!"" Little Boy: ""No you go hide because I told her you were dead!""

My Grandpa Raymond and his wife live in a retirement community for swingers. What are his favorite underwear made out of? Ray on Paulie's Ester

A joke my grandfather told me Women's rights

My grandpa decided to take the dog out for a walk. He returned an hour later with nothing but the dog lead. As tears streamed down his face, he said, ""I don't know where he went."" I said, ""You forgot to take him with you, he's sleeping on the sofa.""

Grandpa goes to buy milk One morning the grandma asks grandpa to pick up some milk as they've ran out. The grandpa agreed and got into his car then head for the grocery store. While the grandma waits for her husband, she turned the TV on only to see a breaking news: A Crazy Driver Going Against Traffic on the Road. Immediately the grandma picked up the phone to warn her husband. Grandma: *Honey be careful there's a crazy driver on the road going against traffic* Grandpa: *Don't worry dear I got …

My grandpa was 1/5th of the way through his 58th mathematics degree when he died... He was pretty rad.

My 85 year old Grandfather just burned me so hard... Me: ""Hey Pup, know what I've been thinking?"" Pup: ""Is that what I smell burning?""

So I was eating out my Grandma... and I tasted horse cum. And I thought to myself, ""Is that how she died?!""

When I was a kid, my grandfather told me his teeth are like the stars... ...they come out at night.

Elderly conception An elderly couple go to the doctors office. They explain they would like to convince a child. The doctor explains how difficult it will be but the couple is persistent. He agrees to help and hands the old man a jar and tells him to fill it and bring it back. The following day the couple return to the office looking tired and bewildered. They sit down and hand the empty vial back to the doctor. ""Doc, we tried all night. I tried with my right hand. I tried with my left. Hell, M…

Shout out to my grandpa That's the only way he can hear

Two elderly women sitting on a bench.... One leans in and says ""I just pulled a silent but deadly"". The other leans back and says ""I think you need a new hearing aid. (I'm not taking creds for this I didn't make it up)

A synagogue is having a major rat problem Every time the rabbi holds a sermon, people can't help but notice that there are rats running every which way. The rabbi tries setting out rat traps, hiring exterminators, doing everything he can, but each and every week, the rats are back. Finally after one sermon, as the room is clearing out and the rabbi starts sweeping up rat droppings, an elderly man approaches him. ""Excuse me,"" he says, ""I wanted you to know that I used to be a rabbi myself, and…

Juan Carlos was born in 1974, in Pamplona, Spain. He was born in a theater, and as so gravitated to drama and the arts naturally. He had a talent for any performance, and he got straight A's in his drama grading. He went on to study at a prestigious college (and drop out for an art school) and later became a famous actor at Hollywood. One day, his son drowned at a sailing accident. Juan's wife committed suicide from the trauma and shock. Juan just couldn't take it, he retired from the movie busi…

Why is the retirement center nicknamed ""the garden""? Because it is full of vegetables.

I want to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming like the passengers in his car.