Aging Jokes

My grandmother said she would give birth to my mother when the time machine was invented. Apparently she lied.

Another Jewish joke... The daughter of an elderly Jewish couple brings home a man that she would like to marry. He turns out to be a Torah scholar. After dinner, the father and the suitor sit down together and the father asks ""how will you treat my daughter as the princess she is in my eyes?"" and the suitor says ""I will work hard and God will provide for me."" The father asks ""how will you provide a comfortable lifestyle for my daughter in the way I've done so all these years"" and the suito…

A 5-year-old boy visited his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ""Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"" Grandma replied, ""Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."" Grandma later turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She …

The president of United States converses with a retired veteran Veteran : You know, mr. president, when I was combatting in the Middle East I once killed 3 enemies single handedly while being shot in my chest. President : Syriasly? What happened afterwards? Veteran : Iran.

I heard Sean Connery's great grandpa was hung for lese-majeste. God, shave the Queen.

St Patty's Day Joke A young boy walks up to his grandfather and says ""grandpa, can I have $5 for a guinea pig?"" The grandfather looks at his grandson and says ""here's $10, get yourself a nice Irish girl.""

They named a cricket tournament after my friend's grandfather. They call it the ashes for a reason.

I'd like to die like my grandfather, who passed away while sleeping Not like his four passengers...

Good old Seniors No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practical…

As I eat out of the bowl of dark peanuts... Me: Hey Grandma! These are the best tasting nuts that I've eaten in my life! And they are warm, too! Can I have the rest. Grandma: Of course, boyyo! I usually only like to suck the chocolate off those M&Ms, anyways.

What do you call a grandpa who couldn't understand why his email wanted to upload his attachment to share it? An old man yelling at the cloud

My 95 year old grandpa was prescribed viagra... To stop him pissing on his slippers and rolling out of bed.

What's the worst type of vegetable to bring on a boat? Grandpa. :(

A family is at the table eating dinner. ""I don't like Grandpa"" said the boy to his Mom. ""That's okay honey, just finish your potatoes instead."" She replied.

When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. ... ... not screaming in terror like his passengers.

An older gentlemen gets a new car with his retirement... Man: I don't have much longer living. Let's see what I can do! The man gets onto the highway and goes about 15 miles over the speed limit when he sees blue lights behind him. Man: As I do not have much longer, let's have fun! The man drives faster and faster while the cop stays right on his tail. The man reaches about 120 mph before he thinks. Man: What am I doing this is crazy! Do I really want to spend the rest of my life in prison? The …

The Purina Diet Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had..an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds …

A joke my mom heard a priest tell in church today: An elderly couple to decide to live a little and go to McDonald's... When they order the food, the old man divides the fries in half and splits the burger in two. Some students see this and offer to buy some more food so that they can both eat a whole sandwich. ""No, no, that's fine,"" says the old man, ""We share everything."" So the old man starts eating his half-burger and his half-order of fries-- but his wife is sitting there, not eating he…

After months of deliberation a Surgeon decides to put his elderly father into an old age home. after a week he goes for a visit. He reviews his fathers chart at the end of his bed and sees that among the medications he is taking Viagra is one. The Surgeon approaches his fathers nurse and asks if his dad has met someone. The nurse says no, we give him Viagra so he doesn't roll out of bed.

The Italian An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ""How do you stay in such great physical condition?"" ""I'm Italian and I am a golfer,"" says Silvio, ""and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well."" ""'Well,"" says the doctor, ""I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father w…

The Shoebox A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, t…

1000$ a night The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. ""Can I help you?"" the madam asked. ""I want Natalie,"" the old man replied. ""Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."" ""No, I must see Natalie."" Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man cal…

Exercising Grandmother My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

Two elderly people meet at a senior center. Both their spouses have passed away. The woman asks 'how would you describe lovemaking with your wife?' The man says 'infrequently'. The woman asks 'is that one word or two?'

My Catholic grandmother told me I had to give something up for lent. I told her I'd give up lent.