Aging Jokes

An Elderly Couple Meet An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling. The old man is thinking, ""Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."" The old lady is thinking, ""Geez, if I had known …

What did Rihanna say to her grandma with Alzheimer's? Oh na na, what's my name?

An interesting worker... Every night a worker who was employed in a Russian factory would leave the grounds, trundling a wheelbarrow. When the suspicious guard examined its contents, he found only straw or sawdust. Since these were waste materials which nobody wanted, he allowed the worker to pass through the gate. This continued for several years, and never did he find anything except straw or sawdust. Finally this worker retired, and the guard saw him no more until he met him by chance on the …

Did you hear about all the butterball turkeys that got recalled? The balls weren't buttered. Thanks to my grandpa for that one. It's his annual thanksgiving joke.

A grandmother of three wealthy sons is celebrating her birthday. She is very old, slightly old-fashioned in tastes, and lives alone because her sons are too busy to stay with her. The three sons wanted to thank her for bringing them up, so they spend a lot of time pondering about what they want to get her. The eldest son thinks of her small cottage and gets the idea to buy her a big and luxurious house with many rooms she can relax in. The middle son looks back to her tiny, rickety car that she …

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, ""Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"" The operator said ""I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, ""Holly Finkel, room 302."" The Operator replied, ""Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, D…

A Jew in Soviet Russia One day, an elderly Jew in Soviet Russia breaks out a holy book and begins reading it aloud to himself in Hebrew. A Soviet officer takes notice of this and with an aggressive voice goes, ""Insufferable Jew! What exactly do you think you're doing?"" to which the old Jewish man responds, ""Your excellence, I'm just practicing my Hebrew."" ""And why exactly would you be doing that?"" ""Why your excellence, Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven!"" ""Arrogant Jew, what ma…

""It is my birthday"" A young boy and his grandfather go out on the young boy's birthday. Let's call the boy Jim and his grandfather John. Jim:""Can we go to the park?"" John:""What's wrong with staying at home?"" Jim:""Come on. It is my birthday"" John:""Oh. Go on then."" They go to the park. Jim:""Can I get an ice cream?"" John:""An ice cream? I've already taken you out to the park."" Jim:""Come on. It is my birthday"" John:""Alright. Seeing as it is your birthday.."" He gets the ice cream. Ji…

Grandpa telling war stories Grandpa tells his grandson war stories. ""Once we got surrounded by Germans from all sides, there was shooting, we were lying down helpless, scared, bullets flying above our heads, and... and..."" ""And what grandpa?"" ""Uh... Can't tell you son"" ""Please grandpa, tell me!"" ""Well, if you must know, I shit myself"" ""Oh, grandpa, but of course you did. It's understandable. It must be frightening, anybody in right mind would be scared..."" ""No, no, I shit myself rig…

Why hasn't Beetle Bailey retired from the Army yet?

Cannibal boy: mommy I don't like grandpa Cannibal mom: alright sweety, just eat the potatos

I just got to my Grandpa's house, we have a little talk about politics, and then he says we should watch something intelligent... And then He put on Fox News.

Kid: I want to give grandpa tickets to a Michael Jackson show! Dad: you can't, he's been dead for years now, and so is Michael Jackson.

Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub... and my sister commented that the hair on her privates'' was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that ""grass don't grow on a racetrack"".

When my time comes, I'd like to die nice and peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... But not screaming in terror like his passengers.

My grandmother tried keeping her hysterectomy a secret... ...but the doctors let the cat out of the bag.

Little Johnny's Silver Dollar Little Johnny was on his way home from Grandpa's house. Grandpa had given him a silver dollar and Johnny was flicking it into the air and then catching it as he walked along. Suddenly he dropped the dollar, which rolled into an alley where it was snatched up by an old filthy drug addict female. She would not give the coin back and a struggle ensued. In order to use both hands to fend Johnny off, the fiendish druggie reached under her rags and deposited the coin in h…

Paddy the Irishman, Paddy the Scotsman, and Paddy the Englishman were hired to carry a bureau up the stairs for an elderly woman. It was a very large and heavy bureau, and they were struggling. Paddy the Scotsman asked, ""Where's Paddy the Irishman?"" Paddy the Englishman replied, ""Oh, he's inside the bureau, keeping the wire-coat hangers from rattling.""

When I told my grandfather about the kid who got suspended for taking his clock to school... ...he looked at the pictures of the kid's handiwork and promptly scoffed, crying out *""Amatuer!""*, and then proclaimed, ""Let me show you a REAL CLOCK!"" http://www.myflyertrains.org/AF_Catalogs/1951Catalog/AF_1951_catalog_page42.htm No wonder things were so much more peaceful in the 1950s. Bully a kid just a little too far, he may just...""oooppps"" the whole neighborhood...

In the words of my dead grandmother...

A penguin was driving through the South... A penguin was driving through the South, the Deep South in late August. ""Whew! It sure is hot!"" the penguin panted from behind the wheel of his car. Suddenly, the car fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale. ""Whew!"" he sighed. As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have t…

""Isn't it strange how we were all once an egg?"" I told my wife. ""Well, grandpa still is,"" interrupted my son.

In honor of Veterans day I give you this.. A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''. The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he woul…

Pathan Joke *original joke translated into english* Pathan: I want to get married Dad: With who? Pathan: Grandmother *Dad turns angry* Pathan: You married my mother, that's why I want revenge.

An elderly couple are in church... The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, ""I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?"" The husband replies, ""First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!""