Aging Jokes

A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning. A man is taking his dog for a walk through a graveyard early one morning when he sees an elderly man crouched by a gravestone. Not wishing to appear rude the dog-walker greets the elderly man with a cheery: ""Morning!"" The elderly man replies: ""Oh no, just taking a dump.""

My grandpa told me that ""your generation relies too much on technology."" I responded with, ""No, your generation relies too much on technology."" Then I unplugged his life support.

A blonde marries an elderly billionaire... When the two are engaged, her friends and family remind her, ""Make sure he puts you in the will!!"" When the two are walking down the aisle, her friends and family whisper, ""Make sure he puts you in the will!!"" When the two are on their Honeymoon, her friends and family phone to say, ""Make sure he puts you in the will!!"" At the funeral soon after, the blonde holds up her hand. ""Don't say it! Yes, I made sure he put me in the will."" She then looks…

My grandfather came back from the war... ...with a single arm. To this day, we still have no idea whose it is

An elderly couple are watching TV The woman asks the man, ""Can you please get me some ice-cream?"" ""Sure"", he replies. ""Do you want to write it down? Just because you'll forget"", she says. ""I can remember a bowl of ice-cream"", the man replies. ""I also want some fruit on it. But write it down"" ""That's OK, I won't forget."" ""And some chocolate sauce. Now you'll definitely forget this!"" ""No, it's fine I won't forget. Promise."" So he goes away into the kitchen and after about 20 minute…

An elderly woman went into her back yard to garden one afternoon when she noticed a large gorilla in a tree... In a state of panic she ran inside and opened up the phone book and went to G's. Sure enough, she found gorilla extraction. When the extractor showed up, he went into the back yard and saw the gorilla, eyeing them both out of suspicion. The extractor went back to his truck and pulled a vicious pitbull out that had a muzzle on it, a shot gun, and a ladder. He tied the pitbull up to the t…

An elderly lady is walking on the street She's carrying a bag in each hand. One of the bags has a hole in it and with every step she takes, a $20 bank note falls out. A policeman notices and stops the lady. 'Dear lady, there's money falling out from your bag!' 'Oh, dear Lord! Thank you for telling me, my love. I'll turn around and check whether I can find a few stray bank notes...' 'But where is the money from?' asks the policeman. 'Did you perhaps... steal it?' 'Oh no, silly! There's a stadium …

What's the worst part about eating 69 oysters out of your grandma? Finding out she already posted this joke on Reddit.

A son takes his elderly father to live in a nursing home. After a few days, he goes for a visit and asks his father how things are going. ""Fine, the food's OK and they take good care of us. One weird thing, they give me a Viagra every night."" On his way out, the son stops at the nurses station and asks about why his father is given Viagra. ""Oh, we give that to all the men here. Keeps them from rolling out of bed.""

Right before our Grandpa died we covered his back in butter. He went downhill pretty quickly after that.

What do you call a retired comedian? Comedy mold.

A very elderly couple is havin... A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, ""Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I mu…

So I asked my Dad, ""What was on Grandpa's mind when he had that aneurysm?"" ""Probably a tumor.""

LITTLE JOHNNY'S HALLOWEEN Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. ""Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"" ""My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!"" replied Johnny. ""Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?"" the old lady retorted. ""No,"" said Johnny, ""but he minded his own freakin' business.""

A 50 year-old woman decides to spend a lot of money on her birthday... ...on cosmetics, wrinkle reduction treatments, a new hairdo, new clothes, etc. When she decides she's done the most she could, she feels really good about herself and decides to go for a walk. First, she enters a shop to buy a magazine. While she's paying, she asks the cashier: 'How old do you think I am?' 'Thirty-four.' 'I'm fifty!' she says, and she leaves very content. She goes into a McDonalds and while paying, she asks t…

Dirty Jokes for Grandma A sailor comes to port, and decides he really needs to get laid. So he walks into town, and sees a sign- ""Sisters of Mercy Convent & Brothel"". He walks into what appears to be a church. There's a nun sitting by a table near the door. She intuits what it is he's looking for, and says, put $5 in this tin cup and walk through that door. The sailor does so, and enters another room, and there's another nun, with a table and a cup. $10, she says, and go through that door.…

Grandma started obsessively washing her windows several times each week... ...I asked her what's up with that, I mean - they're sparkling clean already, you don't have to do that. She replied: Someone called me last week and told me that my windows installation had a serious virus infestation.

The Nightgown. An old, boring married couple of 40 years were getting ready for bed. The wife felt as though her husband hasn't recently been noticing her the way he used to and wanted to do something out of the ordinary to see if he would notice. She decided that this evening she would put on the same nightgown she has worn since they were married on backwards. Doing this made her cleavage show quite a bit and she really knew he would notice and say something. Well, she walked out of the bathro…

Grandma's dementia has been really hard to deal with lately. And the worst of all is... ...She forgot about Dre.

An Elderly Couple Go To Their Doctor For A Checkup The man goes in first. ""How're you doing?"" asks the doctor. ""Pretty good,"" answers the old man. ""I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me.""   The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. ""How're you feeling?"" he asks. ""I'm doing well,"" answers the old wo…

A little girl was out with her... A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.""What are they doing, Grandma?"" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, ""The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."" ""They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"" said the little one. ""How do you mean?"" asked the Grandma. ""Offer someone a helping hand,"" said the little girl,…

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words, ""STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTE SHIT""

What has four wheels and flies? My dead grandmother.

Little Timmy's Dream Little Timmy has been having nightmares. He just dreamt that his grandpa Jack died. The next day he wakes up and his father tells him that grandpa Jack died. Timmy is agitated but thinks it was a coincidence. The next day, he has a dream that his friend Jane dies. He goes to school, and the teacher announces that she is dead. Timmy runs home and tells his dad that he has dreams that come true. He dreamed that grandpa Jack and his friend Jane died and they did. His dad tells …

I will always remember what my grandfather said to me right before he kicked the bucket. He said, ""How far do you think I can kick this bucket?""