Aging Jokes

My grandpa says our generation relies too much on technology... I replied ""No, YOUR generation relies too much on technology"", and unplugged his life support.

My grandpa always said, it's good to meet a girl in the park... But it's better to park your meat in a girl.

""Grandpa, get out of the bathtub. You'll get cold and die."" Grandpa got out of the bathtub, got cold, and died...

A man is taking his family to his father's funeral... .. He is talking with his wife as his two children sit in the backseat, the daughter fiddles with her phone charger while the son listens in. ""Honey, I don't know what I'm going to say in his eulogy."" ""Well, you could make comparisons, say he was as strong as an ox."" ""Yeah, that was just like him... Oh! He was like a rock, staying tough against whatever was thrown at him!"" The husband added. ""You see, just think of things that that rem…

I still remember my Grandfather's last ever joke... He said to me, before he passed- 'Quick! Get my medicine!' But, I didn't get it :/

A Jewish Grandmother and her Grandson are walking on the beach... When a wave comes over the grandson and takes him under. The grandmother falls to her knees and begs, ""Oh God! Please bring back my grandson!"" Another wave crashes, and the grandson is soaked, but otherwise unharmed. The grandmother looks to the skies and says, ""Where's his hat?""

I'd like to die in my sleep like my grandpa Comfortably, unlike the rest of the people in his car

My grandfather always said, ""Don't watch your money, watch your health."" So one day while I was watching my health, my grandfather stole my money.

An old man has finally retired and just bought a new sports car... As he leaves the dealership and pulls onto the interstate, he begins to accelerate. As he passes 80mph he passes a highway patrol. The lights instantly come on. He puts the accelerator to the floor and speeds up, 90, 110, 120mph... He finally let's off and asks himself what he's doing as he pulls over to the side of the road. The highway patrolman walks up and says ""Sir, it's the end of my shift, I'm tired and bored. If you can …

My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school. She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

Goodbye Daddy One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers ""God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."" Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again: ""God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."" The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. One week later, the father once ag…

There were 2 evil brothers (Repost) There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brot…

A joke from my grandfather who is a Indian man in the United States. Him: ""Muslims are going to vote for trump"" Me: ""Really?"" Him: ""Yeah. They want him to stop their parents from visiting constantly""

Two twins are turning 100... The editor of the local newspaper sends a cameraman to get some photos of them. One of twins is hard of hearing, the other can hear perfectly. When he arrives at the nursing home, he asks them to sit on a couch. ""What did he say?"" says the twin who couldn't hear. ""He said we need to get in the couch."" says the twin who's could. The cameraman then asked them to get closer together on the couch. ""What did he say"" says the deaf twin. ""He said we need to get close…

An elderly priest was found in the Vatican library weeping inconsolably... He had ancient manuscripts spread out in front of him. Some curators walked up to him and said ""What is the matter, Father?"" Between sobs, he replied: ""Some bastard dropped the 'R'. It was supposed to say CELEBRATE!""

So a little black boy... Is playing in the kitchen while his mom is cooking. He gets an idea and goes over to the cupboard and grabs a bag of flour. He proceeds to thoroughly coat himself in a layer of flour. Smiling, he walks up to his mom and says""look mom, I'm a little white boy!"". She slaps him across the face and says ""boy, get your ass to your room"". As he's walking to his room he passes his father in the living room. Once again he says ""look dad, I'm a little white boy!"". His father…

An elderly couple are walking down the street... An elderly couple are walking down the street when suddenly two pigeons fly overhead and drop two massive dumps on both of them. ""I wish we had some toilet paper right about now,"" says the woman. ""What the hell for?"" The old man replies, ""they must be half a mile away by now!""

Technology.( Based on true events) My apple watch reminded me to take a minute to breathe right after my grandfather let one rip.

Big shoutout to my great grandmother She can't hear me otherwise

A young boy walks into the bathroom to find his mother peeing He notices her differences in anatomy and asks her about it. Wanting to be delicate, she replies ""that's where God hits women with a golden axe, so we can have children."" with a rather disgusted look the kid says ""well Jesus, mom, he hit you right in the cunt."" [Told to me by an elderly drunk gentleman while working in his home]

My grandma is going to vote for Hillary... She's been dead since 82.

A man moved into a retirement home... An elderly man decided it was time to move on. He packed his stuff and moved into a retirement home. On his first day there, as he was unpacking his stuff into his room, he could help but notice that the woman in the room across the hall was staring at him. He thought it was odd but decided not to let it bother him. Later that night, he went to the cafeteria to get dinner. He sat down at his table and, lo and behold, the woman from the hallway was sitting at…

A set of gold chains would be a great retirement gift.. For a really good slave.

A man goes to a plastic surgeon One day a man decides that he wants to look like a Hollywood celebrity. He goes to the most highly regarded surgeon in town who happens to be his own son. The surgery is long and exhausting, 18 hours of nonstop work but finally the operation finishes. It takes 3 months to recover in full bandages before the family is allowed to visit and see their new father. 8 year old grandson Kenny runs into the recovery room first but all he sees is a giant knee with a face on…

Grown-up Words A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term. ""Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."" So Jamie excitedly stood up and said ""I went on a choo-choo!"" The teacher grimaced and replied ""No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?"" Sarah stood up and exclaimed "…