Aging Jokes

A joke my girlfriend's German grandmother told me. A drunk fisherman is walking home from the bar and is about to be very sick. He gets home but outside he vomits all of the beer he drank and all of the sausages he ate on the sidewalk. A few moments later while the drunk is gathering himself, a small dog runs up and begins eating the sausages the man threw up. The man, only now just realizing there's a dog in front of him, is confused. ""Okay"", he says to himself. ""I remember where I got the b…

Me: grandma have you ever tried Five Guys? Grandma: at once?! *in case you don't know, Five Guys is a burger joint*

So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me: What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone? You skip them both.

My grandma started running 5K / day at age 60 She's 93 now, we have no idea where she is

Extremely suspenseful joke #7845 A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, ""God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."" The father asked, Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, ""I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."" The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to…

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. ""I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"" the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, ""Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."" ""No, but Grandma is!"" the little brother replied

What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car? A Corps vet in a Corvette.

So a man from Chicago goes on vacation... A man from Chicago goes on vacation to Florida for the winter, but his wife is on a business trip and will be meeting him in Florida the day after he gets there. The man gets to the hotel and decides to send his wife an email saying he got to the hotel safely. However, he can't remember his wife's email. He guesses and gets it wrong by one letter. He types and sends the email, and it is sent to an elderly woman whose husband died the day before. She read…

One evening, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to fetch some water... One evening, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to fetch some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. Dropping the bucket, he ran back to the kitchen. ""Where's the water?"" she asked him. ""And my bucket?"" ""I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma,"" Johnny exclaimed. ""There's a big old alligator down there!"" …

Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? In an American nursing home.

An elderly man is sitting alone at a bar. It starts to get late and the bar tender says ""Sorry pal, last call"" Upon hearing this, the man pays his bill and turns to look at the door. As he begins to stand up, he suddenly falls and lands face first. ""I must have had more than I thought."" He thinks to himself. Looking at the door he thinks ""If I can just make it there, a bit of fresh air will have me good as new."" So the old man crawls to the door and props himself up, he takes a breath and …

My grandpa keeps complaining to me that my generation relies too heavily on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Skipping School Grandpa: ""Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"" Boy: ""No you go hide. I told her you were dead!""

A joke my Pastor told during the sermon today Two brothers are staying overnight at their Grandma's house. The Grandma says, ""Now, don't forget to say your prayers before you go to bed tonight!"" So they both get ready for bed and are sitting in the bedroom. Kneeling beside the bed, the older brother then begins to pray, ""Dear God, I wish I could get a new bike for Christmas."" Hearing this, the younger brother yells out MUCH louder, ""DEAR GOD, I ALSO WANT A NEW BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS."" The olde…

(My 99 y/o Jewish grandma told me this joke tonight and I have never heard it before) - ""Why was Abraham Lincoln Jewish?"" Because he was shot in the temple.

I was hanging out with my grandfather. I was on my phone when he knocks it out of my hands and said "" You rely to much on technology "" red in the face with rage I scream "" No YOU rely to much on technology"" as I pull the plug on his life support.

Christmas Day accident Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H. His gums aren't itching, but now, he can't get his underwear off!

An elderly couple has ben experiencing declining memories.... An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. ""What was the name of the Instructor?"" asked the neighbor. ""Oh, ummmm, let's see,"" the old man pondered. ""You know that flower, you know, the one that smells …

One day, buzzard and rabbit were talking. The buzzard says ""Rabbit, I'm tired of the country life. This hard work is not for me. I'm going to move to the city and get rich."" So buzzard packed up his things and moved to the city. In fact, he stayed true to his word and made it big. He bought a luxurious mansion just outside of the big city. The following summer, rabbit received a letter from buzzard asking how he was and invited him to visit him in the big city. He also asked rabbit to bring wi…

What did the old maid get the vasaline for? 84 cents. Joke by my grandfather

What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed? Keep it up!

My grandfather told me that our generation depends too much on technology... ...so I unplugged his life support.

Why will Belgium go to war? *This is a joke my dutch grandfather told me, the dutch make fun of Belgians* Why will Belgium go to war with the Netherlands in 50 years? Because that's when they understand the Belgian jokes they make about them. Why will Belgium go to war with France in 50 years? They can't find the Netherlands.

What's the difference between a lavatory and a bachelor? One is a WC, the other is single u see. My grandmother (90 year old) was told this joke in the early 60s and just remembered it. Thought it was worth a share.

I once helped an elderly Japanese man cross the street. Afterwards he said, ""Sank you."" So I punched him in the face. He didn't have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that.