Aging Jokes

A joke from my grandpa. It's the second grade and class has just begun. Mrs. Wood is doing a spelling pre-test. Mrs. Wood: Mike, what does your dad do for work? Mike: My dad is a plumber. Mrs. Wood: Can you spell pipe? Mike: P-I-P-E. Mrs. Wood: Very good! Mrs. Wood: Wong, what does your dad do? Wong: My dad owns a clothes cleaner. Mrs. Wood: Can you spell shirt? Wong: S-H-I-I... Mrs. Wood: We'll get back to you on that, Wong! Next up is this little Italian kid, Vinny. Mrs. Wood: What does your d…

How Long is a Chinese Mans name. Yes, yes it is. Old joke my grandpa like to tell.

A handsome and well dressed old man walks into a bar... ... approaches a good looking elderly lady, and says: ""Do I come here often?""

My grandfather once said that we're starting to rely way too much on technology; that it's important we remind ourselves to live without it. I honestly had to agree with him. So, I unplugged his life support.

When I die, I want to die like my Grandpa, in his sleep Not like his passengers, screaming in pain

I held a door for an elderly Japanese man. He said ""Sank you."" Why did he have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that?

How do you shoot a unique deer? You-neak up on it and shoot it. Credit: Grandpa Clifford

Elderly husband announces he is going out for some vigara... Wife says ""Ill go too, I should get a tetanus shot."" Husband - ""Why do you need a tetanus shot?"" Wife- ""Well, I figure, as rusty as your pecker is, I should play on the safe side!"" Courtesy of a random old pecker at the bar today.

I went to visit my Grandpa... My Grandpa said, ""Your generation relies too much on technology!"" I replied, ""No, your generation relies too much on technology!"" Then I unplugged his life support.

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance His answer? ""Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone"" :(

Grandma and her birth control pills Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town. The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation. The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription. ""Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?"" asked the doctor. Grandma said, ""yes, but I need them so I can get a good night's sleep."" The doctor said, ""there's nothing in these pills which would cause you to sleep."" G…

During the Korean War My grandfather was deployed to South Korea when North Korea attacked. He was, by all accounts, a terrible gunner. He struggled to hit enemy tanks and even if his shell did hit, as if some curse was upon him, the shell would either be a dud or fail to pierce through the enemy's armour. Despite this, his crew still managed to survive the initial onslaught. He was there when the army finally pushed the North Koreans back. However, they had to face a new enemy, the Chinese, who…

Hutterites and the Bridge *This joke was sent to me in the traditional FWD: FWD: FWD: format from my grandpa.* Two Hutterites, Jacob and John, purchase some budgies from a pet shop and drive over to a bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200-foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes the two birds, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob s…

After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired. Adios, amigo.

What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son: ""Don't be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.""

Once upon a time, there was a wasp. Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, no, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belongings and sent him off the high school. You might think that a wasp wouldn't do very well in a high school, and normally you'd be right. This wasp, however, was no…

Which is worse? A couple guys are sitting in a bar and they are getting a bit drunk. One of them says to his buddy ""hey, have you ever wondered which is worse? Giving birth or getting kicked in the balls?"" His friend considers this for a moment, and responds ""it's an age old question. My wife might say child labor, but i'd say getting kicked in the balls. Maybe we'll never know"". A couple years go by, and the guys see each other in the bar again. The second guy says ""hey. Do you remember th…

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant... An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, ""We have three possible donors. The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"" ""I'll take the lawyer's…

The kids at middle school are studying WWII... ... and little Timmys grandpa, who was a fighter pilot in the war, is invited to class to tell about his experiences. He reminisces: ""Now, the worst situation I was ever in, was probably when I encountered a German air wing all by myself. I had one Fokker above me, one Fokker behind me and one Fokker off to my right, so I..."" The class begins to snicker uncontrollably so teacher steps in. ""Now, class, before you start getting ideas, Fokker was th…

A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth... The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying: ""My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."" The dentist replied: ""You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"" To which the man responds: ""Man, that's exactly what I did!"" (A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)

Hayao Miyazaki retired That's it. The guy is quit the troll.

A father goes to see his newborn grandson at the hospital When he holds his grandson for the first time, he looks at his son and says with tears in his eyes ""I'm a grandpa!"" Tears come to his sons eyes as he replies ""Hi Grandpa, Im dad.""

Grandma: ""I remember the days when we could walk into a grocery store with a ten dollar bill and come out with a handful of stuff"" Me: ""That's cool Grandma. But you can't do it anymore, they've got cameras everywhere""

My Jewish family banned beans, Ever since my grandfather died of uncontrollable gas.