"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don't drink "You wanna be cool don't you?" I don't drink "C'mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop

Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.

Sitting with Grandma at the hospital. She noticed me checking my watch and said, "Go on Dummy. I know brunch is almost over at the tit bar."

The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.