Aging Jokes

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant... A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. ""I'd like some raisin bread please,"" the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on …

75 years ago my grandfather died in a concentration camp he fell off a guard tower

The legend of the three kingdoms There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and se…

An Elderly Woman Goes to the Doctor [long] An elderly woman goes to the doctor and he asks her what the problem is. ""Well, you see, lately I have been having terrible problems with gas. Fortunately, they're very quiet and they have no odor. In fact, you'd probably be surprised to know that I've passed wind 4 times since you've come into the room."" ""I see,"" says the doctor. He proceeds to examine her and writes her a prescription. Two weeks later, the same woman comes into the office, indigna…

My grandfather is such a grammar Nazi that he made every Jew in the camp practice writing every day.

My grandpa said ur generation relies too much on technology! I said, "" no your generation relies too much on technology!"" Then... I unplugged his life support

With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween! Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy! Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner

My grandpa died peacefully in his sleep I can't speak for everyone else in his car though

A little black boy is cooking with his grandma. Jokingly, he pats some flour on his face and says, ""Look, gramma! I'm a little white boy!"" Grandma pops him on the mouth, and takes him to his mother. The grandma tells him to say what he had said to her in the kitchen. ""Look, momma! I'm a little white boy!"" The mom takes off her shoe, and pops him with it. Then, she takes the little boy to his dad's room. ""Tyrone, listen to what your son is saying."" The boy repeats, ""Look, daddy! I'm a litt…

Grandma in court In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; ""Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"" She responded, ""Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never w…

No one believes seniors . .. . Everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at th…

An old retired couple... An old retired couple is sitting in the living room watching tv. The man gets up and says ""I'm going to the doctor to get me some of that viagra."" The wife says ""well, then I too better go to the doctors to get a tetanus shot."" When the husband asks why, she replies "" just to be safe if you're going to start using that old rusty thing again."" Aha.

Old Native American Chief My grandfather walked onto a Native American reservation one day cause he heard that the tribe's Chief could remember anything. He walked up to the Chief and said, ""What did you have for breakfast on Saturday August 3, 1974?"" The Chief looked at him and said, ""Eggs."" My grandfather thought, ""Oh, well eggs that's pretty common."" So he wrote him off as a phony. 10 years later, my grandfather returned to the same reservation. He walked up to the Chief and said, ""How…

I normally don't drink, but last time I did I woke up next to my grandmother I still don't know how I got 6 feet under ground.

I found the rulebook for an old card game at my grandfather's house. ""Draw a card, if it's black, take a shot."" Oh wait, that's just the LAPD guidebook.

A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital.. A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. ""How are you grandpa? he asks. ""Feeling fine,"" says the old man. ""What's the food like?"" ""Terrific, wonderful menus."" ""And the nursing?"" ""Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."" ""What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"" ""No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go…

We burried my grandmother last week... So she's probably dead by now.

Playing Trivial Pursuit with Grandma: ""Name an animated character dedicated to cleaning up the planet, who loves Eva?"" Nana: ""Hitler.""

On a hot afternoon, Scrooge the miser and his grandson, Tim, were walking home from a party. Tim complains, ""Gramps, it's still a long way back to our house. It's hot and I'm tired. Look, there's a bus stop here. Can we please take the bus home?"" Scrooge is aghast. ""It'll cost us six dollars to get home from here! What a waste of money! We'll walk it."" Tim sighs, but he's a good kid, and doesn't fuss about it. They barely walk a few feet, when Scrooge sees a passing taxi and hails it. ""How …

How it's made A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. ""Do you know how they make these gloves?"" he asked. ""No, I don't"" she replied. Well,"" he spoofed, ""there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."" She didn't crack a smil…

True story: Kitty cat had PUPPIES! Recently attended my great aunts funeral. This was a beautiful story that accompanied. My great aunt ran a beauty shop. One day, while tending to a female client in the beauty shop, her female client's highly acclaimed husband sat in a chair as company. One of my young cousins ran in the beauty shop and shouted to his grandmother (my great aunt) ""Kitty cat had puppies!"" The highly acclaimed gentleman that sat with his wife explained to my cousin that ""Kitty …

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ""They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! "" she cried. The dispatcher said, ""Stay calm. An officer is on the way."" A few minutes later, the officer radios in. ""Disregard,"" he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.""

I think my grandmother has been spying on me in my bedroom. She told me I have a lot of spunk!

I can't stand holocaust jokes, they hit too close to home. My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell off one of the watchtowers

Someone stole the coffin at my grandfather's funeral. I couldn't bereave it!