Aging Jokes

It's About Time A few weeks? after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. ""You know, Kyle,"" I said, ""when we die, we'll get to see Grandma and Grandpa again in heaven."" With tears spilling down his face, Kyle cried, ""That's easy for you to say. You don't have that long!""

Wife's secret money A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. Until one day... For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the litt…

Its good to die like my grandfather, painlessly in his sleep. Its bad to die in a terrible accident, like the passengers on his bus.

A man sees a sign in front of a house, ""Talking Dog for Sale."" He rings the bell and the owner takes him to the back garden where the dog is tied to a post. ""Can you talk?"" asks the man. ""Yep,"" says the dog.""I discovered this gift when I was young. I decided to help the government, so I got in touch with the CIA. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one would think a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their…

Can we please stop with the holocaust jokes? My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell off the guard tower.

Could you guys not make jokes about the holocaust here? My grandfather died in the holocaust, and it's really offending me. He fell out of one of the guard towers at Auschwitz

This watch means a lot to me, I got it from my Jewish Grandfather He sold it to me on his deathbed.

Cold Water A young boy was having lunch with his Grandfather when he noticed a few odd things about the dishes. ""Grandpa, why is this glass stained?"", he asked curiously. ""That's as clean as cold water can get it"", the grandfather replied calmly. ""Ok"", said the boy, then noticed his dirty fork. ""Grandpa"", he asked again, ""Why is there food stuck to the fork? ""That's as clean as cold water can get it"", the grandfather replied, same as before. ""Ok"", said the boy before noticing his di…

My grandmother used to wakeup and head for the bathroom . along the wat she would say with a raised voice 'o Jesus christ' Soon after my grandfather passed away she asked me to move the coffee table

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She starte…

My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition. She didn't miss a beet.

A black kid was playing in the kitchen.. He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him. His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. ""Look Mom, I'm white!"" he said. His mom slapped him across the cheek. ""I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said."" Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said ""Hey look Dad... I'm white!"" When his Dad heard that, he flat out punched the …

When I was a young boy, My grandmother walked into my bedroom and caught me playing with myself. She smacked me and said ""Shame on you! Save that for when you're 21!"" By the time I turned 21, I had sixteen jars.

The Caged Gorilla A family was shipwrecked after their sightseeing boat got caught in a storm. A mother, father, son and grandfather washed up on a deserted island. They had seen enough episodes of The Swiss Family Robinson to know they had to prepare for a new life without being rescued. They made do with what they had and lived relatively comfortably. After a few years the grandfather would leave each night after dinner and go for a walk on the beach. As the grandson grew older he got very cur…

Grandpa was a healthy 82 when he fell in a vat of lard. After that, he went downhill really fast...

My grandmother voted Republican until the day she died. Ever since then, she's voted Democrat.

(Oldie) A city boy goes to visit his grandfather's farm in the country. A he was walking along the fields, he noticed something very odda pig, sitting under a tree, with a peg leg. Later, as he was eating dinner, he asked his grandpa: ""Hey, why does that pig out in the fields have a peg leg?"" ""Oh, Old Jim?"" his father replied. ""Well, that's a very special pig. Saved my life."" ""Oh, really?"" said the son, amazed. ""How?"" ""Well, it was this one night. Your grandmother had gone to bed, and…

A man goes to his doctor about his terrible farts ""Doctor, I have terrible gas. I keep making these weird farts: they are constant and really loud but they don't smell."" So the doctor says: ""Alright, take these pills and come back and see me in a week."" A week later the man comes back. ""Doctor, these pills have just made the farts worse! Now they are the foulest things I've ever smelt in my life!"" ""Great, now that we've fixed your sense of smell, we can start to work on stopping your fart…

A man named John dies and goes to heaven. He arrives at the pearly gates and sees Peter. John goes up to Peter and says ""Where's God?"" Peter replies, ""The Lord has some business to do so I'm filling in for him. Do you want to take a tour of heaven?"" John says ""Sure!"" Peter and John go around heaven and see everything there is to see. John sees his childhood pet, his great-grandmother, and even says hi to Abraham Lincoln. In the final part of the tour, Peter takes John into an enormous room…

A talking dog... A guy sees a sign in front of a house: ""Talking Dog for Sale."" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ""Sure do."" the dog replies. ""So, what's your story?"" The dog looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from count…

A young, eager priest is assigned to a new parish... A young, eager priest is assigned to a new parish, and the local bishop made a point of asking him to visit the elderly and infirm who weren't able to attend Mass any longer. Wanting to make a good impression, the priest immediately had the parish secretary make him a list and he began to aggressively make the rounds. He'd been out all day and hadn't stopped to eat, and he found himself at an older lady's home, sitting next to an end table wit…

An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he'd been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. ""How do you like this place?"" she asked him. ""It's not bad,"" he replied, ""except they won't let …

An old woman says to an old man at the retirement home, ""I bet you I can guess your age."" The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try. ""Pull down your pants,"" she says. She inspects his rear end intently for a few minutes and then says, ""You're 84 years old."" ""That's amazing,"" the man says. ""How did you know?"" ""You told me yesterday.""

this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to…

My Grandma Discovered an online knitting forum She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.