Aging Jokes

Honk if you love Jesus Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a ""Honk if you love Jesus"" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just…

Parish priest A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. ""I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told…

an elderly woman's dog jumps off a retaining wall a German tourist passes by and see the elderly woman and decides to jump in after the the dog. He swims the dog back to shore and the woman comes up to him and asks him if hes a vet and the tourist replys ""Vet? im vucking soaked"".

Proof A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. ""I will have to go home and come back later."" The woman says, ""Unbutton your shirt."" So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, ""That silver hair…

a little offensive..but still the funniest non-jewish joke i've ever heard. A black boy and his grandma get on a plane. While they are mid-flight the captain comes on the intercom and announces ""We are having a crisis and unfortunately the plane is too heavy to continue. If we don't get rid of some weight the whole plane will crash. The crew has already dumped all the luggage so now the only option is to start throwing off people. But we are going to do this in a very fair manner, and go alphab…

My grandpa dies in a concentration camp He fell from a guard tower.

Mom! Mom! ""I want to play with grandpa"" ""Shut up I'm too tired to dig him up right now""

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, ""My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."" So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, ""Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little…

Something my Grandfather (WWII Vet) used to say. Old proverb says, ""Girl who fly plane upside-down, have crack-up.""

A polish joke my grandpa told me: ""What happened to the Polish dog?"" He chewed off 3 legs and was still caught in the trap

Washing cars One day, little Jimmy was walking home from school when something catches his eye. Peering into a shop window he saw a brand new red bicycle. ""Wow,"" he thought to himself, ""that sure is a great looking bike but neither my parents or I can afford it!"". Jimmy stares at it in admiration for a few minutes before carrying on his journey home. Over dinner, he mentions this bicycle to his parents and how he desires to one day buy it for himself. His parents being the type to teach thei…

An elderly woman decides she wants a husband... An elderly woman decides its time she starts looking for husband, so she puts out and ad in the local news paper stating: LOOKING FOR A HUSBAND HE MUST: not beat me not leave me be good in bed So with these simple requirements she waits a few days with no response, but then one morning she hers her doorbell ring and goes to answer it. Standing at the door is a man with no arms and no legs. She asks him, ""Are you here about the ad?"" he replied, ""…

Old Insults One night when my grandfather was a little drunk, he started describing a woman he once new and he had the most hilariousness old insults. If you know some good old insults please add them in the comments but I'll start with some of the ones I've heard. She had a face that could stop a 7 day clock. -Daniel Mance She was uglier than a hedge fence. -Daniel Mance That woman's as cold as a nudist on an iceberg. -Foghorn Leghorn Nice boy but he's got more nerve than a bum tooth. -Foghorn …

Good old grandpa! Grandpa: gatherer around little ones! I am going to tell you a story of my youth! Kids: yaayy grandpa!! tell us, tell us!! Grandpa: When I was young I used to be an explorer and a hunter! Kids: Wooowww really grandpa? Grandpa: yes yes.. this one time I was in the Amazon jungle hunting a lion!! Kids: Incredible grandpa tell us more!! Grandpa: well, I was trying to find a trail when out of nowhere the lion jumped at me and growled GRRRRAAAAARRRRRR!! .. I shit my pants!! Kids: Wel…

A teen boy wants to borrow the car, so he opens his parents' bedroom door to ask. He sees his dad wearing only chaps and a cowboy hat, on top of his mother, who has a feathered headdress and an indian squaw outfit on. He quickly shuts their door and disappears. The parents decided to finish what they were doing, but a few minutes later, the wife asks the dad to go talk to their son about the costumes and about walking into their bedroom without knocking. The dad is walking down the hall toward h…

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A Mexican mom and her Mexican child....... Were in their kitchen making tortillas . Then the the child put flour on his face and said to his mom ""look mommy I'm a white boy"". She slaps him hard in the face and says ""go show your father. He goes and shows him. Then his father slapped him even harder ""go show your grandma"" said the father. He went and showed his grandma. She slapped him even harder than his father. ""Go show your mom she said"". So the Mexican child went in the kitchen where …

turtles birthday! It was the Turtles birthday in the animal kingdom and he was turning 150 years. King of the animals was the lion and he proclaimed, (For Turtles birthday we should have a great party and each animal will say a joke to the Turtle for his birthday. Whoever disrepected the Turtle and did not make him laugh will be KILLED instantly). So all the animals gather for the Turtles birthday in celebration of his antiquity. Up comes the Zebra for a joke. Zebra goes in front of the Turtle a…

Quick-thinking math question: 42 birds are in a tree. A hunter comes and shoots 5 of the birds. How many birds are left in the tree? None. They all flew away when he fired his gun. This works better in person, of course, and you have to emphasize the need for the person to answer right away. My grandpa has told and retold this one as long as I can remember.

The secret to a long marriage A reporter was doing a human interest story for a local newspaper, and was interviewing an elderly couple celebrating sixty years of marriage. The obvious question the reporter posed was ""What's the secret to a long marriage?"" ""Oh,"" the man started. ""It's all about perseverance. On our honeymoon, we went to the Grand Canyon and rode on mules down the trail. Well, my new wife's mule bucked her off, and she fell on the ground. She just yelled, 'That's ONE!' and g…

Recently, my grandfather told me his so glad that he is married... because he hated finishing his own sentences when he was single.

How I Want To Die I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the four other passengers in his car.

A Mexican boy and his grandmother were making enchiladas.... A Mexican boy and his grandmother were making enchiladas when the boy grabbed some flour and smeared it on his face and said ""Grandma look! I'm a white boy!"". The grandmother immediately slapped him and said ""Go talk to your mother!"". The boy finds his mother in the garden and says ""Mama look! I'm a white boy!"". The mother slaps him and says ""Go show your father!"". The boy finds his dad in the garage and says ""Papa look! I'm a…

this one comes from the end of a drew carey special back in the 90's: there's an old man & an old woman in a nursing home... old man says, 'bet you can't guess how old i am!' she says, 'yeah? unzip your fly!' he does; she reaches in a feels around for a bit, then says: 'you're 83!' he says, 'that's amazing! how'd you know that?' she says, 'you told me yesterday.'

Two elderly couples are chatting over tea. Afterwards, as the women excuse themselves and return the dishes to the kitchen, one of the men turns to the other and tells him about a fantastic dinner he and his wife had enjoyed the other evening. The second man then asks him where they ate. ""Hmm,"" ponders the first man. ""You know that flower... the one with the red petals and the sharp thorns?"" ""You must be thinking of a rose,"" the second man replies. ""Ah yes now I remember. HEY! ROSE! WHAT'…