Aging Jokes

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said: ""Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."" Yep, he really put his whole body weight into that kick. So when I moved the bucket last second he fell and broke his neck.

Bang ! An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103, leaving behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Two guys are playing golf... Two elderly gentlemen come to a par 3 hole. One of them tees up, starts to swing, but notices a funeral procession passing by. He stops mid-swing, takes off his hat and bows to the procession. After it passes, he puts on his hat and resumes his swing. The other man says to him, ""Wow, that was really gentlemanly of you, paying your respects like that!"" As he swings, he replies, ""Well, she was my wife for 25 years...""

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris... But it turns out that idea was already taken

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too. I'll leave now.

My 83 year old grandfather is still trying to be a successful rapper, his name? Two canes

A Man walkes into a bar... He orders a drink and get's aware of a bucket full of gold nuggets standing behind the barman. He askes him about that. He replies: ""Well you can win this bucket, by fulfilling three tasks: At first I gonna give you a full pint of whiskey and you have to drink it all by one. Secondly I have a terrifying bloodhound behind the house who has rabies and you have to pull him a tooth. At last you find my old grandma in a bed above and you have to give love to her for at lea…

A Russian grandpa arrives at German airport He goes to the young girl who is in charge of border control and she asks after checking the passport ""Good morning, First time in Germany?"" ""First time I'm visiting my son who lives here, but I've been here before"" ""Weird, your passport doesn't have a stamp on it, How did you arrive last time?"" ""T-34, I was the gunner""

My grandfather's dying wish was to be pushed in front of a steam train. When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

Only Time I Use My Head An elderly lady and an orthopedic surgeon were travelling in an elevator together. The doors started to shut as the lady was trying to get out of the doors. The surgeon kindly put his head in between the doors so the lady could get out. ""Thank you very much,"" said the lady, ""but why did you use your head?"" ""I used my head because I need my hands for work,"" said the surgeon, grinning proudly.

Four guys in a BMW found a parking place. But as they approached some old guy took it. They all left the car, planning to beat that guy. Then he says: 'That's unfair. There are four of you and I'm alone and I'm old. ' 'Well, OK. Two of us will join you.' That's three agains two now. You're right... Go home grandpa, we'll handle this without you.

My grandfather's final words before he kicked the bucket were... ""I'm gonna kick this bucket!""

As Steve was eating a chocolate bar, a man walked up to him Man: Chocolate isn't good for you Steve: My grandpa ate chocolate every day, and he lived to be 104 years old Man: Do you really think he lived that long because of the chocolate that he ate? Steve: No. It was because he knew when to keep his mouth shut

Old and Pregnant? A 68 year old woman told her friend over a bingo game that she wanted to have a baby. Her friend, in reasonable disbelief, laughed at her. The 68 year old woman retorted, ""Well, I have the apparatus to and with today's technology, I can have a baby."" And she did just that. She got pregnant and had a baby boy. Her friend, shocked and sorry for mocking her, went over to visit. ""I came over to see your baby with my own eyes because--I am sorry--but I have trouble believing it."…

Doctor after 911 Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, ""Why didnt you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"" The lady said, ""My phone doesnt have an eleven."" (Actually a true story)

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway... Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. ""Sixty is the worst age to be,"" said the 60-year-old, ""You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."" ""Ah, that's nothing,"" said the 70-year-old. ""When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."" ""Actually,"" said the 80-year-old, ""Eighty is the worst age of all."…

A boy was born of an Indian , Irish , Chinese and an Italian Grandmother They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them! They named him Ravi O. Lee i'll see myself out

You'd Better Write it Down This elderly couple is sitting in their living room watching TV and after finishing dinner the wife says, ""I would love some ice cream now."" The husband says, ""Sure I'll get it!"" ""But you have trouble remembering! You'd better write it down."" ""No I won't dear; I'll remember, I promise. What would you like?"" ""I'd like some vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup."" ""Ok. I'll remember."" About 45 minutes pass and the husband comes out with a plate of bacon and e…

Old Couples in Love An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, ""I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call yo…

Devil in the Church One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, ""Don't you know who I am?"" The man replied, ""Yep, sure do."" Satan asked, ""Aren't you going to run?"" ""Nope, sure ain't,"" said the man. Perturbed, Satan asked, ""Why aren't yo…

Good Night, Good Bye A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying ""God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."" The father said, ""Why did you say good-bye to Grandpa?"" The little girl said, ""I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."" The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listen…

Earthworm A little boy and his grandfather are raking leavecs in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, ""Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."" The grandfather replies, ""I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."" The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm bac…

The story of Strongman Dria In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill, and there's nothing in the world Dria loves more than his gram-gram, so he vows to save his grandma no matter the cost. But because he doesn't realize how special he is, h…

I bought a grandfather clock. It's like a regular clock but it keeps telling you that it's lived through three wars.

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Sunny: ""What's that?"" Tina: ""A condom."" Sunny: ""Where'd you get it?"" Tina: ""You can get them at any chemist"" The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms. The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her …