Aging Jokes

Every Facebook post: *Girl posts lyrics* Elderly woman comments "Hi lucy. you're so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday"

I wanted to start my own last minute grandma rental service... But the name InstaGram was already taken.

I scream, You scream, We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

"ranch goes with everything" i whisper while placing a bottle of ranch in grandma's coffin

Oh... Oh dear... it looks like my grandmother's embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.

I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said "Never forget what I'm about to tell you" then some story about corn.

Thanks to the 96 years of sun bathing grandma doesn't need a leather jacket to ride on the motorcycle with me.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you "..y..o..u..'r..e.."

People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

A co-worker just used the word "elderly" to describe someone my age and that's why I had to kill her.

I hate when I'm beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

My 17 yr old grandpa joined the navy during WWII b/c "he figured if the boat got shot he'd drown, &not have to worry about any other stuff."

*grandpa in hospice* "son your generation relies on technology too much" "no gramps" *pulls the plug* "yours does." beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

[at my grandmas house] MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we're at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

"Grandpa, why did everyone make a big deal out of selfies when they're just pictures, oh and thanks a lot for doing nothing about climate."

The Ouija board spells out WHAT'S UP GAYLORD and I'm like is there really no one else in the spirit realm besides my grandma?

"What if Waldo finds me first?" I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. "Don't let that happen," she warns.

Sometimes I miss my grandfather, but I know he's up in heaven groping angel titties and saying some next level racist shit.

there's two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can't figure out the car alarm?

I wasn't entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma's gravy recipe was very specific.

Me: Grandma died, can't work today. Boss: Thought she died last month? Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.