First Man Jokes

Two men are sitting at a bar in a highrise. The first man says to the other ""You should get the barman's home brew. It makes you fly!"" The second man sceptically replies ""If it makes you fly, then prove it."" So the first man takes a swig of his beer, jumps out the window, and flies a few circles around the building. When he gets back, the second man is amazed and immediately orders one of the house brews. After gulping it down, he jumps out of the window and falls to his death. Upon seeing t…

How To Get Hired At Walmart A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops i…

Heaven getting too full. (worth the read) Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I…

Three men in prison are about to be executed. There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV. The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, and executed. Blood sprays everywhere and his head goes rolling across the yard. Horrified by what he's just seen, the second man chooses to be shot. The guards le…

Wife's Duties Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties at home. The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Arkansas. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't …

3 men go to hell Three men die and go to hell. On their arrival the devil greets them, saying ""hello and welcome to hell! You are all here because you were addicted to something that ruined the lives of you and the people around you. You will all be given your own personal hells until you are cured, then you will go to heaven."" He goes to the first man, ""you were addicted to eating and you became extremely obese, ruining your family."" He opens up a door to reveal donuts, cake, soda, every ki…

Two men sitting at a bar... Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, ""Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey!"" The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, ""Well I'll be, by chance do you come from Ireland?"" ""I do sir! A round for me and my fellow countryman!"" The bartender pours the pair a shot each. The second man looks at the first and says, ""By chance, did yo…

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans... In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive. Anyway, the first man goes and says, ""I'll have my outstretched wingspan measured."" His wingspan is 160cm, so he is given $160. The second man chooses the top of his…

Three Nuns at Pearly Gates. So three nuns simultaneously die and go to the gates of St. Peter. Whilst there, St. Peter approaches the nuns and says: ""I'm sorry girls, but heaven's getting pretty full now. There's this new policy that I have to ask you guys a religious-trivia question before i can let you in"". The nuns agree. So St. Peter approaches the first: ""What was the name of the first Man?"" The 1st nun replies: ""Adam."" Peter: ""Right, you're in."" The first nun then appears on the ot…

Nuns In Heaven So three nuns simultaneously die and go to the gates of St. Peter. Whilst there, St. Peter approaches the nuns and says: ""I'm sorry girls, but heaven's getting pretty full now. There's this new policy that I have to ask you guys a religious-trivia question before i can let you in"". The nuns agree. So St. Peter approaches the first: ""What was the name of the first Man?"" The 1st nun replies: ""Adam."" Peter: ""Right, you're in."" The first nun then appears on the other side of t…

An officer routinely waits outside the bar... An officer routinely waits outside the bar in his squad car on the weekends to get an easy catch on the drunk drivers. This particular night on his early patrols he passes a large group of regulars walking into the bar. He makes a mental note to come back and wait. A few hours later the officer pulls into his spot up the street to wait for an obvious drunkard to walk out. After about 30 minutes, the first man of the group to leave barges out the door…

3 guys are stranded on an island of cannibals.... Three men are stranded on an island and caught by cannibals. The cannibals tell the three men to go into the jungle and bring back 5 pieces of fruit and they might let them live. All three men go into the forest to find fruit, and the first man comes back with 5 oranges. The cannibals say if he can shove all 5 oranges up his butt without screaming in pain them they will let him live. the man screams in pain on the second orange and the cannibals …

Two men are talking on a subway train... So two strangers sit next to each other and begin to read quietly. After a while, they notice that they are both reading the same book. They get to talking, and eventually they get around to exchanging names. The first man says, ""Im Bill. What's your name?"" ""My name is Jesus Christ,"" says the second man. ""Oh come on, your name isnt Jesus Christ,"" says Bill ""Sure it is"" he responds. ""Follow me to the bar. Ill prove it to you."" So they go to the m…

Law Of The Jungle Three scientist friends go into the jungle on an expedition to research local tribes. After they are several days deep into the jungle they encounter a village, and are immediately captured. The three men are told by the village leader, who claimed to be the king of the amazon, that to avoid slaughter at the hands of their tribe, the three men would have to perform a trial; to go into the forest and find him a piece of fruit. Each goes off into the forest their own separate way…

Murder There were three european men going to America. they didn't know english so they each went to a place. the first person went to a football game and learned yes. the second person went to a resturant and learned forks and knives. the third man went to a candy shop and heard a little kid yell he stole my lollipop! they all found a dead body when a police officer came up and said did you kill this man? the first man said yes. the cop asked what did you do it with? the second man said forks a…

Three men died in a car accident. So they ascended into heaven and stood in front of St Peter. "" After I let you in, there will be three room. Each of you will be assigned to one room."" Said St Peter, ""in the room, there will be a clock that determines how smart you are. The slower it goes, the wiser you are."" So the three man happily walked into their room. The first man walked into the room and look at the clock. After an hour, the clock didn't move at all. He was very happy to know that h…

Three men are captured by criminals The criminal's leader says that if the men can go into the jungle and find 10 of the same fruit they would be freed. So they go into the jungle. The first man comes back with apples and was told by the leader that if he could shove all his fruits up his butt without wincing or making faces they would be freed. So the man shoves the first one up and then a second one accept he winced so they killed him. The second man comes in with berries. He's all the way to …

Two men sign up for a tour... ...of the Amazon River. When they get there, the two men are extremely excited to start this journey, as it was not easy to pay for. They finally arrive, and, hardly containing their enthusiasm, show their tickets to the woman at the cash register. Upon seeing the tickets she tells them to follow her to the spot where their excursion begins. With huge smiles across their faces they approach the Amazon river when the woman suddenly takes out a baseball bat, hits both…

The difference if you marry a Canadian girl... Three friends married women from different parts of the world... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he…

Two men are standing on the pavement... Two men are standing on the pavement smoking cigarettes. The first man turns to the other and asks, ""Why are you smoking two cigarettes?"" The second man responds, ""One is for me and the other is in honor of my brother who is in jail."" The first man nods his understanding and leaves to get on with his day. Two weeks later the first man walks past the second man and sees he is only smoking one cigarette. Excited he asks him, ""Is your brother out of jail…

Two men walk into a bar. They sit down at the bar and the first man orders a scotch and soda. The second man remembers something that he has forgotten. He clutches his middle as the terrible remembrance doubles him over in pain. He falls over off of the bar stool and a hole opens in the floor. He tumbles to the bottom of the hole. From the bottom of the hole, he looks up at the first man, but he doesn't cry out to him. They aren't that close.

Three men are sitting at a bar Three men were sitting at a bar talking about their lives. They get to talking about there kids and how great they are. The first man brags "" My son is the greatest! He is CEO of a big company. He makes so much money that he just bought two new sports cars, one for himself and the other for his lover."" The second father, trying to show up the first, says ""Oh Yeah? Well my boy created a huge internet company and makes millions he just bought two mansions, one for…

When heaven was full... God ordered the angel at the gate to only let people in who have died horrible deaths into heaven. So the angel asked the first man who came up, ""How did you die?"" The first man replied, ""You see, I was coming home from work early this day because I suspected my wife of cheating on me, and I wanted to catch her in the act. So I came home to our apartment, on the 3rd floor mind you, and on my way up, I heard a lot of scuffling. When I got in my wife argued that no one e…

Three men die in a car crash on Christmas Eve... When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter is there to greet them. ""Welcome to Heaven!"" exclaimed St. Peter, ""Since this is Christmas time there is a special rule for getting in - you must have an ordinary object with you that you can interpret to represent Christmas."" The first man thinks for a second, and pulls out his keys, shaking them in front of St. Peter. ""They're jingle bells!"" St. Peter lets the man in. The second man digs through…

Three friends die and go to heaven... and meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions. God turns to the first man and asks how many times he cheated on his wife, to which the man responds ""twice."" God flips through the big book, and sure enough, the man was telling the truth. ""Since you…