First Man Jokes

3 men were golfing together... They were on the green ready to putt their balls. As one man was about to putt, a funeral procession drives by on the adjacent road. The man bows his head in silence until the cars pass. Stunned by their friend's uncharacteristic gesture of respect, the 2 other men say, ""That was a really kind thing you did there."" The first man responds, ""It's the least I could do, I was married to her for 24 years.""

Three men walk up to the gates of heaven together. They had a long walk ahead of them, so they decided to discuss the ways the had died. The first man began, ""Well, I was cleaning the windows outside the apartment building I work at when, all of the sudden, the mechanism holding me up snapped! Luckily I caught hold of a window ledge, but then I felt two hard stomps smash both my hands of the ledge. Thankfully I wasn't too high up because I managed to hit the ground without any serious injuries.…

Dog Ma Two men are walking down the street when they see a dog sitting there licking its balls. ""Boy, I wish I could do that"" the first man says. Second man replies, ""Don't be silly, that dog would bit you.""

Three Apple Engineers are using the restroom... The first man finishes up and begins washing his hands in the sink. He soaps up both his hands and arms and thoroughly washes all the way up to his elbows not missing a spot. He then proceeds to use half a roll of paper towels to dry up and announces to the others in the restroom, ""I graduated from Stanford University, and there they taught us to be clean and unsullied."" The next man finishes up and walks over to the sink. Using only a few second…

A joke told to me by my tour bus driver in San Francisco Three men were arguing about who has seen the strongest winds in their lives. The first man said, ""I've seen winds so strong that parked cars were blown down the street."" The second man the responded, ""well I've seen winds so strong, the tops of all the redwoods in the forest leaned to the side."" ""That's nothing!"" Said the third, ""I've seen winds so strong, I saw a chicken lay the same egg six times over.""

A man is sitting in the bar on the top floor of the Burj Khalifa.... ..when the guy next to him turns and says ""I bet you $1,000 it's so windy outside that I can jump out the window and come right back in."" The first man is intrigued and decides to take the bet. So the guy goes and opens the window, jumps out, and not two seconds later, to the first man's surprise, he comes right back in. The first man says ""That was a neat trick, but it's not a bet unless I can do it too!"" He then proceeds …

CIA Test gone horribly wrong Three CIA agents, two male and one female, were called in for a briefing. An agent was needed to go on a top secret mission and that agent could have nothing but absolute loyalty to the goal. ""To test that absolute loyalty,"" said the director, ""we have put your spouses in the other room. Take this gun and shoot your spouse."" The first man went into the room and came out almost immediately. ""I can't do it."" The second man went in and there was about 5 minutes of…

Two Missionaries... Two missionaries were ascending a hill in an expedition to convert the hostile unreached jungle inhabitants. Since very few had ever returned alive from the unfriendly summit very little was known. The two agreed that the best way to win them over was with gifts from their food provisions. They reached a pass where only one was able to ascend at a time. As the first man cleared the pass, he was immediately set upon by the natives. They took his large pack, pulled the large bu…

There are three married men who are friends at a christmas party. The first man called his wife over and handed her a present. It was an expensive diamond ring. She hugged him and gave him a kiss. The second man went to the car and carried in a box. It was a massage chair. His wife came over and was ecstatic. The third man had no present, and his wife wasn't even there. The others were confused. ""Where's your wife?"" One of the men asked. The third man says, ""My wife said she wanted a dog for …

There were four men sitting on a couch, each wanting to watch the TV. The first man was keen to watch the grand national (horse racing). The second man was keen to watch wrestling. The third man was keen to watch a televised nature documentary. And the fourth man wanted to watch christian hymns. As they began to argue about what program to watch, the remote control got stuck down the side of the couch and the TV began flicking through the channels itself. The TV could soon be heard saying: ...""…

Two men get into an elevator in a doctors office. One man, beaming says to the other, ""I just got a brand new hearing aid. It works great; if you were to drop a pin, I could hear it; if a mouse were to sneeze cross the street, I would hear it."" The second man replies ""thats impressive, what kind is it?"" The first man looks down at his watch and says ""11 o'clock.""

Three Nuns Dies and Go To Heaven..... Saint Peter meets them at the gate and says ""I am going to ask each of you a question, if you get it right you can enter Heaven; but if you get it wrong you are going to Hell!"". He then turns to the first nun, a really smart brunette and says ""Who was the first man God put on Earth?""...Immediately she answered ""Adam"" so he opens the gate and lets her into Heaven. He then turns to the second nun, an average intelligence redhead and says ""Who was the fi…

There are two men sitting on a plane next to each and they both have black eyes... They begin talking and of course the black eyes come up. First man says "" It's a funny story... I was going to buy my ticket and when i stepped up to the window, I saw the most beautiful blonde with the biggest rack I had ever seen. I got flustered and mixed my words up. I meant to say, I need one ticket to Pittsburgh. But what I actually said is, I need one picket to Tittsburgh. Then she punched me right in the …

Two Jewish men are talking [This joke is best when read with a heavy Yiddish accent.] The first man says ""Oy vei! This is a disaster! My son has fallen in love with this Christian girl. He is running off to become a Christian!"" The second man replies ""Oy vei! My son too is becoming a Christian! This is a disaster indeed. We should go consult the rabbi and ask what to do."" So they go down to their synagogue and go up to the rabbi and say ""Rabbi! Rabbi! We both have a problem. Our sons are ru…

Three nuns die in a car crash and next thing they know they look up to see St Peter, greeting them at the pearly gates. He looks at the first nun and tells her he is going to ask her a question regarding her religous beliefs, and if she answers correctly, she will be welcomed into heaven. He asks, ""what was the name of the first man on earth?"" She quickly answers ""Adam."" The pearly gates open up and St. Peter says, ""welcome to heaven my child."" The second nun steps up and again St. Peter h…

Privileged Dog A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a ""sniffing dog."" His name is Sniffer and he, the best there is. CII show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."" The plane…

so a plane was going down.. There were 4 people aboard the plane and only 3 parachutes; the people were the richest man in the world, the smartest man in the world, the nicest man in the world, and a kid. The first man said ""I am the richest man alive, So I get a parachute"", he put it on and jumped out. The smartest man in the world said ""I am the smartest person alive so I get one too"". He grabbed a bag and jumped out. The nicest man said to the kid you are young so you take the last parach…

Two men are standing in line at a bakery when an old man joins them. There's a cute young woman behind the counter when the first man tells her his order. 'I'll have a loaf of sour dough and how about some raisin bread.' At this point the second man in line looks back at the old man and tells him to watch. The old man then sees the lady behind the counter grab a ladder and climb up to the very top shelf where the raisin bread is located. The lady is wearing a fairly short skirt and when she gets…

THE FORTYNUNNERS Three nuns went to a football game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men couldn't see very well because of the nun's little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave. ''I think I'll move to California, there's only 50 Catholics there,"" said the first man. ""I think I'll move to Washington, there's only 25 Catholics there.'' ""I think I'll move to Idaho, there's only 10 Catholics there.'' Then one of the nuns turned around. ""Go to Hell, there are N…

Three nuns went to a baseball game. Over the course of the baseball game, the nuns became increasingly rowdy. So, three men behind them began to have a loud discussion. ""I think i'll move to Idaho, I hear that there are only 20 nuns there,"" said the first man. ""20 nuns? I'm going to move to South Dakota. I hear that there are only 10 nuns there,"" said the second man. Just before the third man could speak, one of the nuns turned around and said, ""You should go to hell, I hear that there are …

Two guys are talking in a bar... About their wives. The first man proudly tells the other '""My wife's an angel!"" to which the other man replies, ""You're lucky, mine's still alive.""

Two men walk into a bar. The first man is okay, but the other suffered a terrible head injury.

Two old men are sitting on a bench One of the men asks the other one. -I was wondering, is the clitoris in the back or the front? The other man thinks for a bit and replies. -I am pretty sure that it is in the front. To which the first man replies. -I'll be damned, so I was licking a hemorrhoid all night?

The anti-drug campaign Two men join a local anti-drug campaign. They walk up to the person running the campaign. The man looks towards them and says, ""Ah, I'm guessing you two are here for the campaign."" The two men agree and the manager of the campaign said, ""Alright guys, we were just running a little contest, here's the deal. You have to take [this](http://i.imgur.com/0eKMWGO.jpg) picture and try to persuade people to sign the petition with it. Whoever gets the most signatures, wins a hund…

Three Nuns Three nuns died in a car accident. On the way to heaven, there was a man who said ""To go to heaven you must each answer a question."" So the first nuns question was who was the first man in earth. She replied ""Oh, that's easy the first man on earth was Adam."" The second nuns question was who was the first woman on earth. She replied ""Oh, that's simple the first women on earth was Eve."" The last nuns question was what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam. Her reply was ""Oh, …