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First Man Jokes

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Three guys are waiting in a maternity ward The nurse walks out of the doors and approaches the first man. ""Congratulations Sir, your wife had twins!"" she says. The first man says ""What a coincidence, I own the Minnesota Twins!"" Twenty minutes later she walks out again and says to the second man, ""Your wife had triplets!"" The man says' ""Wow, I work for triple crown!"" Fifteen minutes later the nurse appears again only to find the third man bawling his eyes out. ""What's wrong?"" She asks.

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A man is sitting in a bar staring at his drink, when another man comes along and drinks it up. ""Come on man, cheer up. Here, I'll buy you another drink."" The first man replies ""No, I've just had a really bad day today. First I woke up late because the power went off in my house so my alarm didn't go off, so I quickly rush to work badly dressed and without eating breakfast. My boss is furious because I missed an important business meeting, so he fires me. I walk back outside to the parking lot

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Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: They're Carol's.'

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Three Nuns Get Quizzed In Heaven Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in. The first nun is asked, ""Who was the first man on Earth?"" She says, ""Adam."" Lights flash and the pearly gates open. The second nun is asked, ""Who was the first woman on Earth?"" She says, ""Eve."" Lights flash and the gates open. The third nun is asked, ""What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"" Puzzled, the nun is says, ""Hmmm, that's a hard one."" Lights flash and the pearly g

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I felt like a golfer Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said ""no but you can sleep with the pigs."" the second man went to the father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said "" no but you can sleep with the cow

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A man walks into a bar....... The man goes to the bar, and takes a seat on a stool. He proceeds to ask the bartender for two shots of his special whiskey. Upon receiving the whiskey, he turns to the side, and tells the man sitting there,"" This is magic whiskey. If I drink it, I will not die."" So the man gives his fellow bar member a shot of whiskey, drinks his own, and walks out to the street. He jumps in front of a speeding car, and comes out unscathed. The other bar member, amazed, drinks hi

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Three gay men. There were three gay men who had the same lover. Their lover got really sick and passed away. They all decided to have him cremated. Once he was cremated they decided to share his ashes between them to spread them at their favorite places. The first man said he was going to spread his ashes on the sea since they loved sailing together. The second man said he was going to spread his ashes in his garden because they loved growing beautiful flowers together. The third man said he was

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Three men were standing in line waiting to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment

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Another three nuns die in a car crash St. Peter confronts them at the gates of heaven. ""Sisters, welcome! You are devote, except for that bingo hall incident."" The sisters hold their heads low in silent acknowledgment. Peter continues, ""So, you must be held accountable for your transgression. I will give you a test of Bible knowledge, but because your lives were... mostly... guilt free, it will be an easy one."" The nuns nod in agreement. To the first, ""who was the first man?"" ""That's easy

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Three men are lost in the woods and they grow very hungry. After sitting around listening to their tummies rumble the first man gets up on his feet and says ""That's it! I'm going out there and getting us some food!"" After an hour he comes back with a dead rabbit in his hands. ""Holy cow!"" the other two say, ""How'd you find that rabbit!"" ""Well, I followed the tracks and found a rabbit"" the first man explained. The next day the second man goes out to fetch the trio some grub. Three hours la

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3 men are captured by savages... 3 men are traveling across the ocean on a cruise when their boat hits a large rock and sinks. Everyone on the boat dies except these 3 men who miraculously manage to swim a mile to a nearby forested island. The lucky survivors soon pass out on the beach from exhaustion. When they wake up, to their horror, they discover they have been taken prisoner by a native tribe and sentenced to death for trespassing on their territory. The chieftain feeling merciful, offers

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The Fastest Thing in the World Four men were arguing about what they thought was the fastest thing in the world. The first man says: I think it's a thought, because when you think of something, it's in your head instantly. The second man says: I think it's a blink, because when you wink at someone they barely even see it. The third man says: I think it's electricity, because when you flip a switch, power from miles away arrives instantly, and your light turns on. The fourth man says: No, no, no,

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Three nuns waiting to get into heaven.. So three Nuns await at the pearly white gates to get into heaven. St. Peter tells them that they must each answer one question each correctly before being allowed in. St. Peter: First nun, your question is, who was the first man on the planet? First Nun: Oh that's an easy one, Adam! St. Peter: That's correct you may enter! Second Nun, your question is, who was the first woman on the planet? Second Nun: Well that was Eve of course! St. Peter: That is correc

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Dankest weed Two guys are sitting at a table in a Caffe and talking about their use of marijuana. The first man says: ""My dealer got me weed so powerful that when I smoked it, I halucinated for five hours."" The second man says: ""Thats nothing, You need to try this. Got it last week, and the strangest thing happened. I go home and run to the balcony. I light it and take a puff, when suddenly a large yellow orb flies over the sky. I am freaking out at this point and take another puff to calm my

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A survey company interviews 3 Christians and asks them about their daily routine. The first man says ""Well, I wake up and kiss my beautiful wife and thank Jesus for this lovely day. Then I go to church if I am in the mood. If I'm not in the mood, I watch gospel TV."" The interviewer says: ""But I thought Christians had to go to church every Sunday."" ""Well,"" replies the man, ""My pastor never told me that."" The second man says: ""I wake up and eat a delicious breakfast, but not before saying

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Three men are sitting in an emergency room... When the doctor comes in. He says 'You all have serious head injuries, and said they were 'baseball-related'. Might I ask how you got them?' ""I was at a small baseball game"" says the first man, ""when an idiot in the back of the stands shouted 'LOSER!' right as I was swinging my bat - as a result, I hit the ball backwards, up and over the edge of the stadium, ending it for my team. I was so mad, I threw my bat at the guy, just as he threw his helme

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fastest thing? The other day four guys were just sitting around, shooting the bull. One of them asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' the others said. The second guy said 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' everyone said. It was the third guy's turn. 'Well, out at my dad's ranc

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Meeting a genie while hiking. Three friends went out hiking one day. They came to a ledge and a genie appeared and said "" if you run and jump off the ledge and say what you would like to be, you will transform into what you say."" The first man jumps off and says ""eagle"" he immediately transforms into an eagle and flys away. The second man jumps off and yells "" millionaire"" and he lands on a pile of money. The third guy runs for the edge and just before he gets there he trips on a rock and

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One afternoon, a wealthy Presidential candidate was riding in the back of his limousine... One afternoon, a wealthy Presidential candidate was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic migrant workers by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, ""Why are you eating grass?"" ""We don't have any money for food,"" the first man replied. ""Then you must come with me to my house,"" insisted the Presidential cand

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Delivery coincidences,Haha! Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, ""Congratulations, you're the father of twins."" ""What a coincidence,"" the man says. ""I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."" A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, ""You are the father of triplets."" ""That's really an incredible coincidence,"" he answers. ""I work for the 3M Corporation."" An hour later, the

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3 men get sent to prison... each of them are told that they get to have one item in unlimited supply during their time in prison. The first man, an alcoholic, asks for an unlimited supply of beer. The second man, a book worm, asks for an unlimited access to the library. The third man, a smoker, asks for an unlimited supply of cigarettes. When the first man is released from prison, he says ""It wasn't all bad, I had my beer to keep me content!"". When the second man is released from prison, he sa

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The Big Orange Head Joke A man walks into a bar. As he's ordering a beer, he happens to glance down towards the other end of the bar and see a man with a big orange head. As the bartender brings his beer, the man asks him, ""What's with the guy with the big orange head?"" The bartender chuckles. ""Yeah,"" he says, ""That's a helluva story, alright. Why don't you go buy him a drink, and maybe he'll tell you about it."" So the man walks over to the guy with the orange head, introduces himself, and

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Sniffer sniffer A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,

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