First Man Jokes

Two men see a dog licking its nads The first man says, ""I wish I could do that."" The second man says, ""What do you mean? Anyone can lick a dog's nads.""

Two friends were hunting in the woods one day... When they stumbled upon a giant, gaping hole. They were confused because they had been in that part of the woods several times, and they'd never seen it before. ""Damn. How deep do ya s'pose it is?"" one asks. ""Couldn't say..."" Says the other. ""Hey, hows about we drop something in n' find out?"" The two men look around for something to throw in. One finds a decent-sized tree branch, takes it to the hole, and drops it in. The two men listen clos…

Three men stand at the gates of heaven St. Peter looks at the 3 men and says, ""in order to get around up here, you will all need a car. In heaven, we distribute cars to everyone based on how faithful you were to your spouse before you died. The first man tells St. Peter, ""I never as much as looked at another woman. I would never even think about being with anyone except my wife."" St. Peter nods and gives the first man a brand new Rolls Royce. The second man tells St. Peter, ""I was not a perf…

Three men are waiting at the gates to heaven When they are told they will receive a better car, the more loyal they were to their wives. The first man approaches St. Peter and St. Peter says ""you sir were very loyal to your wife you get a Lamborghini"" the man thanks St. Peter, gets in his car and drives through the gates. The second man approaches St. Peter and St. Peter says ""you sir were loyal except for one instance. You get a Chrysler"" the man expresses his regret and enters through the …

be ""chemistry""ful before you ask for something Two man walk into a bar, first man to bartender, ""Can I have an H2O"" As the bartender tends to the first man, the second man ""That sounds cool, can I have an H2O too"" and they found the second man dead after some time

Three men are talking about their wives... There are three men sat around a table in a bar. The first man says, ""I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there"" The second man says, ""I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a toolbelt in …

Two men are in the operating room getting prepared for surgery. One says to the other, ""Hey buddy, what are you in for?"" The other says, "" I'm here to get my tonsils taken out"" The first man says ""Oh that's not so bad. I had that done when I was younger, and I got to eat ice cream for two days strait."" The second man felt at ease with this reassurance. ""Thanks for that, doesn't sound so bad. What about you, what are you in for?"" The first man says, ""I'm here to get circumcised."" The se…

NBA match craze :D It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, ""No, the seat's empty."" ""The first man exclaims, ""What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"" The neighbor responds, ""Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we …

Two communist are sitting in a bar... The first one turns to the second and says ""In communism everything is shared and equal. It's great! Like if you had two houses you would give one to me, right? "" The second one thought about it for a second and said ""yes, of coarse."" The first man then says ""if you had two cars would give me one?"" The second guy says ""yeah, sure."" The first guy then says ""what if you had two chickens would give me one?"" The second communist immediately says ""No."…

Three men get captured by natives... Three men get captured by natives. The native chief has the men go out into the jungle and gather nine pieces of whatever fruit they could get. So the men go out into the forest and get their fruits. The first man comes back to the native chief and presents apples. The chief says that if he can put all nine of the apples up his ass without making a noise, he will be set free. So the first man takes his apples, and one by one he gets them up there, but on the …

Three men & their daughters at the pearly gates Three men, each with an adult daughter, arrive at the gates of heaven. St Peter greets them, then says to the first man, ""you cannot be granted access to heaven as you have devoted your whole life to the accumulation of wealth. You even named your daughter here Penny, and she has continued the family tradition. There can be no admittance for either of you."" The man & his daughter turn away & St Peter turns to the second couple. ""You …

Three gay men on a bench. Three gay men are sitting on a park bench one day, enjoying the nice weather. The first man farts and it sounds like a quiet hiss. Like a gas leak (lel) The second man farts and it's the same quiet hiss. The third man farts and it's a regular thump of a fart. The first two men look at eachother and say in unison: ""Virgin"".

3 men are lost in the desert... and on the brink of death, they desperately pray to God for help. Suddenly, the skies open up, and a booming voice comes down from the heavens. ""I will do this for you three men: Run up that sand dune in front of you, and when you reach the top, yell out something you want to turn into, and it shall be so."" The first man thinks, and decides that a desert animal would be best. He runs up the hill and yells ""Camel!"" It was so, and he began trekking across the de…

A King brings forth three men.. A King brings forth three men whom have been sentenced to death. He has a strange sense of humour and, having not had a good laugh in awhile, decides to use these three as his source of entertainment. He tells each man to gather twelve of one type of fruit and bring it back. They scurry away to find their fruits. The first man arrives with twelve apples. ""You must push all of your twelve apples into your anus without making a facial expression. If you make any ex…

Death or Buki? Three men are marooned on a desert island. They wander the island looking for food and are captured by some hostile natives. They are brought before the chief who says ""You decide. Death or Buki?"" The first man replies ""uhh...Buki I think."" He is immediately taken by the crowd and sodomized. The second man horrified says. ""Oh God...Buki."" He also is taken by the crowd and suffers the same fate. Finally the third man says. ""Death!"" the chief raises an eyebrow and says. ""De…

Three men are deserted on an Island Three men become deserted on an Island after their Boat crashes. They soon encounter the King of the Island who promises a way off the Island. The only catch is only one of them is allowed off the Island. The King requests that whoever finds the most Ping Pong Balls on the Island will be granted the way off the Island. The three go their separate ways to find the most Ping Pong Balls. The first man comes back after four weeks with a bag full of Ping Pong Balls…

A bored man on a train... A bored man on a train walks up to 3 people sitting next to each other. Deciding to troll them, he says to the first guy, ""Hey, what's your favorite flower?"" ""A rose,"" the first man says. The troll says, ""Oh, we wipe our ass with that flower in my country."" He asks the next man the same question.""A sunflower,"" the next man says. ""Oh, we wipe our ass with that flower in my country"" Getting asked the same question, the third man says ""dandelion."" ""Oh, we wipe…

Investigators in training There are three investigators in training. They have to look at a side profile picture for a short time and pick out an interesting detail to recognize them. The first man looks at the picture and says: ""that man only has one eye!"" Of course the trainer is furious and says: ""you idiot! You only see one eye because its only one side of his face!"" The second man says: ""this man has only one ear!"" Again the trainer is mad: ""you idiot! That's because its only one sid…

Cheating wife A man has been suspecting his wife is cheating on him and decides he'll try to catch her in the act. One day he comes home early from work to find his wife all dolled up awkwardly sitting alone in the living room. ""Alright! Where the hell is he!?"" he screams. The wife claims she has no idea what he's talking about. The man goes into a rage and starts tearing through the whole place. He notices a man standing outside the apartment on the sidewalk. In his rage he is convinced that'…

Each man gives a story Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th …

An FBI Interview The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him ""Do you love your wife?"" so he replies ""Yes I do, sir."" ""Do you love your country?"" asks the interviewer. ""Yes I do, sir."", interviewer continues, ""What do you love more, your wife or your country?"" he replies ""My country, sir."" The interviewer looks at the man, ""Okay. We brought in your wife. Take …

A Mean Drunk Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says ""You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window"". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, ""What, are you nuts? There's no w…

So three elderly men at a rest home are conversing about their age... The first man says, ""When I get up at 6:00 AM, it takes me a half hour to pee."" Second man says, ""You're lucky. When I get up at 7:00 AM, it takes me a straight hour to take my morning poop."" Third man says, ""I piss like a racehorse at 6:00 and crap like a goose at 7:00."" ""Then what's the matter with you?"" asked the other two. ""Problem is, I'm not up until 8:00!""

Heavenly Christmas After an accident, three dead souls find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, ""How do these represent Christmas?"" The man responded, ""They're Carol's.""

The Incredible Golf Ball...: Two Golfers were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, ""Hey, why don't you try this ball."" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. ""You can't lose it."" His friend replies, ""What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"" The first man replies, ""I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on th…