First Man Jokes

A man smashed his car into a tollgate. He really totaled the booth, there was bits of wood everywhere. As he was wondering what on earth to do his friend happens to drive up and has a look at the damage. ""I've got some glue in my car that will fix this in no time"" says the friend. ""No way"" says the first man, ""this booth is smashed into a thousand bits, you can't just glue something like that together."" ""Just you watch me"" says his friend and sets to work. After about 15 minutes he stand…

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, ""What is three times three?"" ""274"" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, ""It's your turn. What is three times three?"" ""Tuesday"", replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, ""Okay, your turn. What's three times three""? ""Nine"", says the third man. ""That's great!"" says the doctor. ""How did you get that""? ""Simple,"" says the third man. ""I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.""

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead. The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, ""Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?"" The doctor thought about th…

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do …

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference roomtable the interviewer asked ""What is the fastest thing you know of?"" Pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied ""A THOUGHT. It pops into y…

A man was in a bar and needed a light for his cigarette. The man next to him pulled out a long, thin lighter such as the first man had never seen before. The first man asked the second man where he got it. The second man said, ""There is a genie living in a bottle next to the river. If you go there and rub the bottle, the genie will grant you one wish."" The first man found the bottle near the river and rubbed it. The genie appeared and said, ""I will grant you one wish."" The man thinks for a w…

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked ""What is the fastest thing you know of?"" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied ""A thought. It pops into …

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, The second man was an Accountant, The third man was a Chemist, and The fourth man was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ""T-square, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, …

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ""Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"" The first man approached him and said, ""Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child…

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, ""Tsquare, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreads…

A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line …

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, ""God, please give me the strength to cross the river."" Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, ""God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."" Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs an…

Three men die and meet Peter at the pearly gates. ""In honor of this holy season,"" Saint Peter said, ""you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."" he first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ""They're bells."" Saint Peter said you may pass …

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, ""It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30."" The second then asked, ""Can you get it over the counter?"" ""You probably could, if you took 2 pills"", said the first man.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ""Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."" The other man said, ""What is the name of the restaurant?"" The first man thought and thought and finally said, ""What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns.…

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, ""Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"" The first man approached him and said, ""Sir, I don't wish to intrude on your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A …

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. ""Why of course"", comes the reply. The first man then asks: ""Where are you from?"" ""I'm from Scotland"", replies the second man. The first man responds: ""You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."" ""Of Course"", replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: ""Where in Scotland are you from?"" ""Aberdeen"", comes the reply. ""I can't believe it"", says the f…

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked ""What is the fastest thing you know of?"" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied ""A thought. It pops into …

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, ""Son, do you have a last request?"" To which the man replied, ""Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"" ""Certainly,"" repli…

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, ""What is three times three?"" ""274,"" came the reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, ""It's your turn. What is three times three?"" ""Tuesday,"" replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, ""Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"" ""Nine,"" says the third man. ""That's great!"" says the doctor. ""How did y…

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river. Another man is walking down the street a half hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river. Sometime later the two men are floating down the river together an…

Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election. ""I'm not voting for any of the candidates"" the first man said. ""I don't know any of them."" ""I feel the same way"" the second man said. ""Only I know them all.""

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man ""Congratulations sir you're the father of twins."" ""What a coincidence!"" the man said with some obvious pride. ""I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."" The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man ""You sir are the father of triplets."" ""Wow that's really an incredible coincidence"" he answered. ""I work for the 3M…

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating ""Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"" The first man approached him and said ""Sir I don't wish to interfere with your private grief but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you …

Two rednecks from Arkansas were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something. The first redneck says to the other ""If you get lost fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you."" After about three hours the second redneck finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo. The next morning the f…