First Man Jokes

90 Year old Ukranian man told me this one: Three men die of natural causes and are in line at the pearly gates, waiting to hear if they will be saved or damned. When the first man gets to the front of the line Saint Peter says to him ""You have been single all your life, so you will go to hell because your life was like heaven"". The second man is now at the front of the line and Saint Peter says to him ""You have been married all your life, so you will go to heaven because your life was like he…

A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation. As the bartender cleans the last few glasses before he kicks the three men out, he decides it's worth a shot to try to cheer these poor guys up. He goes up to them and asks what's got them down. As it turns out, the three of them have all just be…

A man had 50 yard line tickets at the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. ""No,"" he says, ""The seat is empty."" ""This is incredible!"" said the man. ""Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"" The first man says, ""Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven 't been to together since we…

Three men are on a plane all three of them have weapons. Halfway through the flight an attendant notices the weapons. She tells the men they cant have the weapons on the plane. The first man drops his arrows from the window. The second man drops his gun from the window. The third man drops his bomb. After the plane lands, the third man is walking along. He notices a little girl crying. ""Little Girl, why are you crying?"" He asks ""My dad just got hit by an arrow."" she replies. Sheepishly he ru…

3 friends are on an island when they discover a bottle... ... When they rub the bottle, a genie comes out. He decides to grant each of them 1 wish. ""I wish for a boat and all the fuel to get home"" The first man says. ""I wish for a plane and all the fuel to get home"" The second man says. The first two man leave. The third man says ""I'm lonely. I wish my friends were here.""

On the top floor of a hotel, there was a panorama bar... ...and two men were each enjoying a quiet drink. One of them asks the other: ""What are you drinking?"" The other replies: ""Scotch, single malt. It's pretty good."" Then the first man says ""You should really try out this bourbon right here - two shots of these, and you can do anything."" The second man wasn't convinced, so it was up to the first man to prove it. He swallowed his drink, went over to the window and jumped out fell all the …

No dogs allowed here A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ""You can't bring that dog in here!"" The guy, without missing a beat, says ""This is my seeing-eye dog."" ""Oh man, "" the bartender says, ""I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."" The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says ""You can't bring that dog in here unless you te…

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the first man blurted out, ""Make the entire ocean into beer!"" T…

Death or Boogaloo""? Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders. The chief walks to the men and says, "" What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?"" The first man thinks for a second and replies, ""I choose Boogaloo"". The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant ""boogaloo, boogaloo, boogaloo"". The chief takes the man, be…

Three old men die and go to heaven... ...and St. Peter explains to them that the lives they lived on earth will determine what kind of car they drive for eternity. He looks to the first man and says ""You were a top-notch citizen your entire life. You paid your taxes, showed up for work every day, never cheated on your wife and went to church every Sunday. Well done, sir. Here's the keys to your Rolls Royce."" He looks to the second and says ""You were a decent bloke, more or less. Had a bit of …

Going to a church potluck... A man calls his friend to remind him about a church potluck tomorrow. ""Ok,"" he says, ""My wife and I will bring the cheese, and you and your wife need to bring the bread."" His friend, who is kind of an anxious mess says, ""Oh man, that's a lot to remember. I'm kind of freaking out. I don't know how I'm going to keep all of this information straight!"" ""Woah woah woah,"" the first man says to his friend. ""Take it easy, man! Just remember: cheese us loaves you.""

Three men go deer hunting... Three men go deer hunting in the woods. After a long, successful day of hunting, they return to their campsite. The first man says he needs to take a dump. While leaving the campsite, the other two hunters decide to play a prank on him. They take a stick and gather some of the entrails of a deer they had hunted down earlier and sneak up behind their unsuspecting friend. They place the entrails on the hunters poop to make him think he had just excreted his own organs …

Two friends decide to play golf One day two friends decide to play a round of golf at the nearest course. They both bring a glove, one tee, and 2 balls. The first man gets as far as the 12th hole and the second man loses his glove on the 15th hole. They both leave when the second man finishes. The first man then goes to the doctor to get a physical. The doctor does his thing then when he checks for a hernia, he notices a different problem. The first man somehow doesn't have his manhood anymore. …

3 men running from gangsters turn into a dead end where they see 3 potato sacks, with nowhere to go they hide inside the potato sacks the gangsters turn into the ally thinking they lost them they decide to kick each bag to make sure they are not hiding inside the gangsters kick the first sack and first man meows like a cat so they think ""oh it's just a stray cat"" they kick the second sack so next man barks like a dog and they think ""oh it's just a stray dog"" they kick the third sack and last…

A man arrives at the gates of heaven... There are 2 men in front of him. God lets the first man in and he receives an old dirty truck in terrible condition. He says ""I guess that's what I get for cheating on my wife 10 times."" God let's the second man in. He receives an old car in bad condition. He says ""This is what I get for cheating on my wife 5 times. The final man gets a brand new Lamborghini. ""This is what I get for never cheating on my wife."" The next day, the two men see the faithfu…

3 men are walking in a desert... After awhile they came upon a goat farm. Tired from their journey the men ask the farmer if they can rest there for the night. The farmer agrees but says there's only room for two of them in the house, the other will have to sleep in the barn. The men squabble a bit but soon 1 relents and agrees to stay in the barn. That night the two men meet the farmers daughters,one with beautiful eyes the other with beautiful hair. The men get close to the daughters and that …

18 Daughters Joke Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they're father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said ""no but you can sleep with the pigs."" the second man went to the father and said ""can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"" the father said "" no but you can sleep with the cows."…

Three businessmen are playing golf... ... the first man puts his thumb to his ear, his pinkie to his mouth, and just starts talking. The other men are confused, but the first man says ""It's just a phone call, I had a microphone installed in my pinkie and a speaker installed in my thumb!"" The second man is about to tee off when he pauses and just starts talking to himself. He explains to the men he has a microphone in a tooth and a speaker in his ear for business calls. Suddenly, the third man …

Two people were debating first man : Polish are inherently stupid people on earth second man: that's not true first man : prove it second man : let's ask a Sardar.

After doing 50 years each in the penitentiary, Jim and Joe were finally free. The first thing they did was head straight to a brothel. The madam noticing that both men were really old and half blind decided she would just pair them each with a blow up doll and hope they wouldn't notice. After it all went down, the first man tells the other... ""I got a bad one Joe, she basically just laid there"", to which he replied ""better than me, I just poked her and she farted and flew out the window"".

Three guys are stranded in a jungle... ...And they encountered a native tribe who lived there. The natives tell the three men that they must complete a ritual, or else they will be killed. The first part of the ritual consists of going into the jungle and finding any 10 fruit and bringing them to the tribe. The first guy goes out and finds apples, so he brings back 10 apples. He is then told to drop his pants and the natives inform him that they will shove all 10 apples up his ass. If he shows a…

Mean when drunk Two men are drinking at a bar. One man goes to the other ""did you know if you jump out that window you will fall three stories then the wind will blow you around the building and in through a window."" The other man says ""Bullshit"" The first man goes ""look I will show you."" He then jumps out the window. Sure enough three stories down he got blown around the building and in through a window. He goes back up to the other man and goes ""Your turn"". The second man jumps and fal…

Old but gold Three guys are trapped on an island with cannibals. The cannibals tell them that if they want to survive, they must each find ten of the same fruit and return to the cannibals to receiver their next instruction. The first man returns with ten apples and the cannibals tell him he must shove all ten apples up his butt without any changing facial expression and they won't eat him. After about eight apples, the man's face becomes strained, and the cannibals eat him. The second man retur…

Four guys go golfing. One of them is held up in the country club with some accounts to settle, so he tells the others to start without him and he'll catch up. The other three guys move on to the first hole and start talking about their kids. The first man says, ""I'm really proud of my son. He started off as a small realtor showing houses every day and working himself to death, but it paid off! Now he owns his own real estate business that has offices across the country. In fact, he's done so we…

Three old men discuss what is the fastest thing that exists... The first man says: ""Well, for sure it's light. Light is the fastest thing in the universe"". The second man says: ""You're not wrong, but I think thought is the fastest thing in the universe... You can travel anywhere with your mind in an instant"". The third man says: ""Well... both of these are good ideas but I have one that beats it... The fastest thing is the shits... because if you get the shits, you won't have time to neither…