First Man Jokes

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter calls up the first man. He says, ""Heaven's a big place. I'll give you a car. How nice the car is will depend on your faithfulness to your spouse on Earth. You were not very faithful. I will give you a station wagon."" St. Peter calls up the second man. He says the same thing. He gives the man a midsize car, because the man was pretty faithful to his spouse. St. Peter calls up the third man. He repeats what he said befor…

3 Nuns die in a car crash... ...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ""Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."" The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions. ""Sister Anne,"" he …

One of my favorites Two men are in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. The first man says to the other, ""You know, some days the wind is so strong up here you can take a drink of beer, jump out the window, and walk right back in."" To which the second man replies, ""There is no way that that is possible!"" The first man says ""I bet $100 that I can jump out that window and come right back in."" The second man, thinking this will be an easy $100 agrees, but tells the first man to leav…

Three men on a deserted island find a genie. The genie will grant the men three wishes, so they decide to take a wish each. The first man wishes to be home with his family and his wish is granted. The second man wishes to be in Vegas with many beautiful women and his wish is granted. The third man says ""I'm getting kind of lonely, I wish those guys were here with me again.""

Three men are walking in a large field. Three men are walking in a large field, when they come across a horrid stench. Upon looking around, they find a small pile of dung. The first man states, ""Thats some nasty bird poop."" The second man laughs and says, ""Nope, thats bunny poop."" The third man looks at both men, and says, ""Bullcrap.""

Hunting gone wrong One day two men decided to go hunting. They got all their gear and headed up into the woods. The one man had an idea to split up that way they could cover more ground. They both split up sand went hunting. After a while the first man saw a rustle in the bush so he shot his gun into the bush. His hunting partner then rolled out. In a panic the man grabbed his phone and dialed 911. He started frantic saying that he shot his friend and that he was dead. The operator said, sir can…

Three guys die and go to heaven... God ask ""Have you been faithful to your wives?"" The first man said ""O yes, loved her to much to stray away!"" God says ""You get to drive a Mercedes threw heaven."" The second guy says ""I'm sorry father I have I have only a few times"" God make him drive a motorcycle around heaven. The last man confesses to multiple time of cheating on his wife, forced to ride a bicycle around heaven. The man on the motorcycle sees the Mercedes pulled over and knocked on th…

Two rich men and a terrorist are on top of a building... ...and the two rich men decide that they will each throw a coin off the top of the building, and see who collects it at the bottom. The first man throws a silver coin, but it does not go very far. The second man goes, ""Hah! I bet I can throw farther than you!"" and throws another silver coin, a bit farther. The terrorist says,""I am sure I can throw a bomb farther than the both of you."" He then proceeds to lob his bomb a lot further than…

Three guys get captured by natives on an island... They are brought up to the top of a hill in front of the chief of the natives where he makes them an offer. ""If you can shove 10 of any fruit you find on the island up your butt and keep them there, then you will be released. Otherwise, you must stay here as slaves."" So the first guy goes to the bottom of the hill and looks around and finds strawberries. He starts shoving them up, but can only get to five before he gives up. The second is a li…

Cannibal Island Three men are shipwrecked on an island infested with cannibals. The cannibal king tells the three men that they must complete a test so that they may not be eaten. He tells them to bring back 10 pieces of the same fruit. The first man brings back apples and is told he must shove all 10 up his butt without making a noise to pass the test. He gets half of one up there before he screams and gets cooked. The second man comes back with rasberries. As he is about to get the 10th and fi…

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building... and there's a massive storm outside. Gale force winds. One man turns to the other and says: ""You know Mac, the wind is so strong right now, I bet you could jump out the window, and the wind would carry you gently down onto that window cleaning platform on the other side of the building, 20 stories down."" ""Bullshit!"" Mac exclaims, ""There's no way that would ever happen."" ""Alright then,"" the first man says, ""I'll pro…

Three Men Brag About Their Sons. Three men are in a bar. They are talking about how great their sons are to their respective girlfriends. The first man says my son is an amazing pilot. He gave his girlfriend a plane as a gift he is the best. The second man says well my son happens to be a great carpenter he actually built his girlfriend a three story house. The final man says my son is gay but his boyfriend must really like him, he got a plane and a three story house from him.

Story for St. Peter Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day and they only let in a certain amount per day so St. Peter says, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I c…

Two ten year old boys sitting on the steps to a brothel... ... watching men enter and exit all day. At one point, two men come out smiling, laughing and talking loudly to each other. ""Not bad for fifty bucks!"" Says the first man with a large smile. ""Not bad."" Agrees the second with a grin and a wink. The first boy has an idea and immediately turns to the second. ""How much money have you got?"" He asks. ""Thirty cents."" Says the second. ""Give it here,"" he checks his own pockets and states…

A man has a steering wheel coming out of his fly First man, why is that steering whell coming out of your fly? Second man, It's driving me nuts.

3 men are riding in an airplane over their city 3 guys were in a Cessna Airplane flying over the city they lived in. The first man said ""I love my city so much, I'm gonna drop this 50 cent coin out the window for someone to find. That will make their day!"" So he threw it out. The second man pulled out a roll of coins and said ""I love my city so much that I'll throw this whole roll of coins out the window! And he threw it out. The third man hated his city, so he pulled out an incendiary grenad…

10 inch bic Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "" Yes i do "" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks ""Where did you get this?"" The guy replies "" Oh I have a personal genie"" The first man asks ""Can i make a wish? "" Sure says the other man ""Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"" ""Ok I will"" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and a…

three men were on a road trip when their car broke down they walked a mile and found a farm and decided to ask the old farmer if they could crash. the farmer was a kind man and decided to let the men stay, as long as they didn't touch the three hot daughters. later that night none of the men could help themselves and decided to go for it, thinking that the old farmer wouldn't catch them. the next morning, the farmer lined up the three men and said ""I know you three have slept with my daughters!…

Two men were out camping in the mountains... They had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, ""You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south. Then tonight we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."" The second friend agrees and hikes south. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. ""Today I hiked int…

Blowing chunks At work, three friends get into an argument over who got more wasted the night before. ""I got so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks,"" said the first man. ""I got so drunk last night, I had to sleep outside because I couldn't make it inside my house,"" said the second man. But the third man was certain he got more wasted than his friends. ""I got so drunk, I set my entire house on fire!"" he argued. ""I don't think you guys understand,"" said the first man. ""My dog'…

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, …

Another genie joke. A man is walking down the beach carrying a well-oversize BiC lighter. A second man, curious, ran up to him and asked, ""Mister, that is the biggest BiC lighter I've ever seen. Where did you get that?"" The first man reached into his pocket and pulled out a small glass bottle, ""I found this bottle a ways down the beach, and when I picked it up and rubbed the sand off, a genie came out and gave me the lighter."" ""Wow,"" said the second man. ""Do you mind if I try?"" The first…

Three men go into confession... The first man goes to the Father and says, ""Father, forgive me, I stole office supplies from work this past week."" The Father says, ""I see. Speak the 'Our Father' 15 times, and go and drink from the Holy water. Go in peace."" The second man comes in and says to the Father, ""Father, I have sinned. I cheated on my taxes this last year."" The Father says, "" I see. Go and pray the 'Hail Mary' 20 times, pray the 'Our Father' 10 times and go drink of the Holy water…

Two men sitting on a bench Two elderly men get together every sunday on the same park bench. The one man turns to the other and asks: ""What do you prefer boxers or briefs"" The other man replies "" Briefs. What about yourself?"" The first man answers: ""Depends""

Vehicles in Heaven Three men go up to heaven at the same time. As they approach the Pearly Gates they have are greeted by a man at a podium in front of the gates. ""Greetings"" says the man ""Before you go into heaven, you will be assigned a vehicle"". The men think this is strange but they agree, ""The quality of the vehicle you will be given is in accordance with how good you were on earth"" The first man steps forward and he is addressed by the man behind the desk. ""How many times did you ch…