First Man Jokes

A man is waiting in line and sees another man... He says, "excuse me sir, are you an attorney?" The other man says, "yes. I am." The first man says, "what is your fee?" The attorney says, "$400 per four questions." The man says, "isn't that terribly expensive?" "yes." says the attorney. "what is your fourth question?"

Diesel Fitter. Two men died and are in the queue to enter heaven. St Peter is out the front informing people of a change in entry policy. "Alright lads, there's been a bit of a shift in protocol. Due to the current economic climate, we can only let in people who are going to be useful around here. Anyone else is going to have to chill in limbo 'till it all sorts itself out." The first man approaches. "So what did you do before you so tragically passed on?" "Diesel Fitter" "Fantastic! We co…

Starving Men On An Island There are two starving men stranded on an island with only a rusty old knife. The first man says, “Well, I think our only choice is to eat each other's legs. We're not walking around, anyway. And we need food”. The other man agrees. So the first man begins sawing and crudely cutting the other man's legs off. I after about an hour of excruciating pain, the second man's legs are completely off of his body, so he says, “Okay, your turn. Give me the knife”. So the first ju…

Three prisoners There men are sentenced to 10 years in prison. However, the judge has allowed them an unlimited supply of whatever they want, within reason. The first man requests any meals he wants, it is granted. The second man requests any drinks he wants, it is granted. The third man requests any cigarettes he wants, and it is granted. Ten years later, the prisoners are released. The first man is let out of his cell, much fatter than before. The second man is released... stumbles three st…

Three men die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that he will ask each of them a question and that their answer will determine how they will get around in heaven. He asks the first man, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The man answers, “No, never!” St. Peter says, “Good man, I will give you a Ferrari for your loyalty.” St. Peter then asks the second man, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The man answers, “I did once and regret it to this day!” St. Peter says,…

Three pure men go to see a priest These three men have never committed a sin in their lives. They ask the priest if they can drink from the holy water. The priest says, "no, you must commit a sin first so that you can be forgiven." So the three men leave to go commit their sins. The first man comes back to the priest and says, "father I have committed a sin, I stole from a baby." The priest forgives him and gives him permission to drink the holy water. The second man comes back to the priest …

Three nuns die and get to the gate of heaven... ..guarded by st. Petrus. He says: in order to enter the gates of heaven, each of you have to answer a question to prove your knowledge about the holy father and his reign. So he asks the first nun: who was he first man on earth? She answers: oh, that's an easy one! It was adam. And the angels sing and the doors open and she enters into heaven. So st. Petrus asks the second nun: who was the first woman on earth? She answers: oh, thats an easy on…

Three men are standing at the pearly gates... St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates." "How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks. "Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse." Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously kn…

Three men die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates they see St. Peter standing before them. The first man steps forward. "What did you do in your life?" Asked the saint. "I was a comedian," the first man said. "Really?" mused Peter. "What jokes did you tell?" "I told Jewish jokes." The man replied. "That's horrible!" Exclaimed Peter. "It's a terrible sin to discriminate against others." "With respect," the man replied, "I am Jewish. I was born in Brooklyn after my…

COFFEE MORNING IN ST. PETER'S SQUARE Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth man says very proudly, …

A plane crashes There were 152 people on a plane. It gets hijacked and crashed, and everyone on it dies. God says they all get one wish because of how tragically they died. The first man wishes for himself not to be ugly, the second person wishes she was skinnier. They all wish for something that improves their appearance. Halfway through the line God notices a man in the back laughing hysterically. The closer he gets to the back the harder the man laughs. When he gets to the last man he asks w…

Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker. Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries. Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. "Tell me your troubles my children." "Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury i suffered years ago." The first man says. "Be healed, Child." Jesus says. The man i…

Two men are in the operating room Two men are in the operating room getting prepared for surgery. One says to the other, "Hey buddy, what are you in for?" The other says, " I'm here to get my tonsils taken out" The first man says "Oh that's not so bad. I had that done when I was younger, and I got to eat ice cream for two days strait." The second man felt at ease with this reassurance. "Thanks for that, doesn't sound so bad. What about you, what are you in for?" The first man…

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean... ... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there. The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here." The other two nod, slightly sympathetically. The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in…

The Spaghetti Joke. Two men had a plane crash in the desert and survived. They had water, but no food. After a couple of days wandering in the desert they saw the remaining of another plane that was crashed a few days ago with a dead pilot. So one man says to the other "Let's open the dead pilot's stomach, perhaps what he ate is still there." The other agrees, they open the pilot's stomach and see the he had spaghetti. The second man starts eating hungrily, the first man refuses politely. "You…

Three nuns died... ...and found themselves standing before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. "Before I can let you in," said Peter, "you'll each have to answer one question." The first nun stepped forward and Peter asked, "What was the name of the first man?" "Adam," answered the nun. And immediately bells began ringing and lights started flashing, and the gates opened up and she entered into heaven. The second nun stepped forward. "What was the name of the first woman?" St. Peter asked.…

Rose . . . Two elderly men are talking while their wives prepare supper. The first man says "we went to this really amazing restaurant the other day, you have to try it." The second replies "we would love to, what is it called? " After a long pause the first man, clearly confused, asks "what is the name of the flower. . .The one with the thorns on it? " The second replies " a rose? " "Yes, thank you" says the first man as he turns to the kitchen and yells "ROSE ! WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT …

Two men walk into a bar. . . They look to the left and see a doctor, a lawyer and a rabbi. They look to the center and see a farmer, a pastor and a cow. To the right they see a genie, a salesman and a judge. The first man turns to his friend and says "Lets get out of here. This place is a god damn joke."

Four guys go golfing. Four guys go golfing. One of them is held up in the country club with some accounts to settle, so he tells the others to start without him and he'll catch up. The other three guys move on to the first hole and start talking about their kids. The first man says, “I'm really proud of my son. He started off as a small realtor showing houses every day and working himself to death, but it paid off! Now he owns his own real estate business that has offices across the country. …

At the end of the 1930s in a small cell of a Soviet prison At the end of the 1930s three man share a cell in a Soviet prison awaiting their execution. Sitting silently the whole time the first man wants to break the ice and asks: "So guys, how did you end up in here?" The second man replies: "I'm in here for voting for Ivan Iwanowitsch in 1933. What about you?" The first man again: "They imprisoned me because in 1936 I voted against Ivan Iwanowitsch." Then both men move their eyes to the …

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have no money for food," the first man replied. "Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer. "But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man. "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. The second man exclai…

A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him. He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!". The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident". The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"

Three man dies and goes to heaven.. Three man dies and goes to heaven where it has been decreed that to each will be given a vehicle to use in heaven according to their deeds. First man arrives and St. Peter asks "How long were you married for?" "20 years" answered the first man. "And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "5 times" He said.. "So be it" answered St. Peter, "You may enter, but you will receive only a Toyota Corolla" Second man arrives, St. Peter asks the same ques…

Three men on an island get captured by cannibals... And the cannibal leader tells the men that they need to explore the island to find some fruit. They then must collect ten pieces of that fruit and bring it back to the cannibals. So the men head out and after some time the first of the three returns. He has brought ten apples with him, and the cannibal leader explains to him that he must fit all of the fruit in his butt without making any noise or they will kill him. The man tries but on the 4…

A joke my brother made up when he was 13... Two men were marooned on an island with no food. After a week, they are both starving. To solve the issue of hunger, one of the men suggests that they cut off each other's legs and eat them to survive. The other man agrees. The first man, after a bloody and gruesome struggle, saws off the second man's legs. The second man, pale and weak, says to the first man. "Alright, now let's get your legs off" The first man runs away and yells "you have to …