First Man Jokes

Two conspiracy nuts end up at the gates of heaven before God ​ God says to them "You may ask any question of me." The first man asks "Was the Maui fire started by a space laser to clear out residents so the rich could buy up all the land? God says "No my child. It was a combination of poor agriculture and climate change." The first man turns to his friend and says "This goes up higher than we thought"

Two old men felt they were close to their last days and decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they ended up at the local brothel. The madam took one look at the two old geezers and whispered to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll on each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." The manager did as he was told and the two old men went upstairs for their …

Guy walks into a pub…. ….. he sits down and orders a beer. A few moments later a guy walks in with a frog, and orders a beer. He places the frog on the counter. The bar keeper says to the man “why have you got a frog?”. The second man says “I’ve got to sell it, my wife isn’t happy I have it.” First man jumps in and the bartender walks away “why would she not be happy with a frog, does it smell or make a mess?” Second man “if gives the best blow jobs anyone has ever had, my wife is jealous” …

A joke from ancient Rome Two men were drinking ale in the market. The first man turned to the second and said "My friend, I have seen your wife's nudity." The second man looks at the first, eyes wide, and says "I shall take a knife, and with it, I shall stab your eyes!" And so the first said, "Thank you for the offer, my good friend, but what was seen cannot be unseen."

Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them. One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors. The first man says to the last man: "I'm bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?" The last man replies, "Well, if I get hot, I can just roll d…

Babies Three men are sitting in a waiting room in a hospital. Their wives were having a baby. The doctor goes to the first man and says: "Congratulations you have twins!" "That's funny, because I work at Double Fudge ice cream shop!" replies the man. The doctor goes to the second man and says: "Congratulations! You have triplets!" "That's funny, because I work at Three Kings Inn!" Replies the second man. The third man was sweating, and flipping out. The two other men ask: "What's wrong…

Three men died and as soon as they arrive in heaven they meet Jesus 'To enter heaven you must do what I say' said Jesus He goes to the first man: 'Fernand, kiss my hand, and you're free to go.' the man kisses Jesus hand and enters the paradise 'Pete, kiss my feet and you're free to go.' the man kisses Jesus feet and got into the golden gate When Jesus goes to talk to the third one, he sees the man running away 'Hey Brock, why are you running?'

Two men are discussing habits. The first man says, "Do you smoke?" The second man replies, "Why of course, two joints a day! Why do you ask?" The first man says, "Well how much do they cost?" The second man says, "Only 20 each!" "And how long have you been smoking?" "A few years, why?" "So if you hadn't smoked all these years, you would've saved up enough to buy a lamboghini!" "Really? Then what car do you drive?" "A Ford Focus." "Do you smoke?" "No..." "Then where the hell is your l…

Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need. The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will. The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and keep the remainder, that's God's will.

Two old men are in a car The first man notices the car is approaching an intersection with red lights, but his friend doesn’t seem to be slowing down. He gets tenser and tenser, sweat starts dripping down his back before the car zooms through the intersection at full speed. A few minutes later, the same thing happened again, the car is once again approaching an intersection when the light is red, and yet again zooms through it to the shock of the first man. After the same thing happens for t…

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle,” he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "Th…

Recent political joke circulating in China Three men who don’t know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested. The first man said: “I opposed covid testing.” The second man said: “I supported covid testing.” The third man said: “I administered the covid tests.”

A man arriving late for the superbowl final match is surprised to find the seat beside him empty Tickets for the event are sold out months in advance, and empty seats are unknown. So he says to the man on the other side of the seat. Excuse me, but do you know why this seat is empty? It was my wifes actually is the answer, bur sadly she died. Oh thats terrible the first man said. I am so sorry. Thanks, she never missed a match you know replied the second man. Hmmm said the first man could …

Two men entered heaven… and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life” the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.” Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter the holy gates of the Silver City!” Harry then said, “Aw nice one geezer, cheers!” and walked through the golden gates. Saint Peter then said, “And who might you be?” to the second man…

A man walks into a pub and orders a bowl of the house chili. The bar wench points down the bar to another man with a bowl of chili in front of him and says, "That man there got the last bowl of the night." The first man walks up to the second man and asks, "Hey man, if you're not going to eat that, can i buy it off you?" The second man replies, "You can have it, free of charge." The first man digs in with gusto; about halfway through the bowl of chili, his spoon hits a dead mouse, completely…

A man is visiting his mother's grave at the cemetery. He notices another man on his knees weeping wildly and exclaiming, "Oh why did you have to die? Oh WHY did you have to die??" First man says to him, "I'm so sorry for your grief. You two must have been close". Second man wipes away tears and replies, "Oh, I never knew him". Puzzled, the first guy asks, "If you never knew him then why are you so upset? Who was he"?. Second guy stood up and said, "He was my wife's first husband".

Ask Rose The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, *"Last week we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it."* The other man said, *"What's the name of the restaurant?"* The first man thought and thought and finally said, *"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns."* *"Do you mean a rose?"* *"That's the one,"* replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, *"Rose, what'…

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site. Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building. The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich. “By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building a…

Two men are discussing the ailing health of their parents. “I feel bad,” the first man says. “My dad is senile. All he does is stare through the window all day long.” “That’s an awful way to live,” the second man responds. “Yeah, I know,” the man admitted. “One day I should really let him in the house.”

Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight. The first man draws a line in the dirt and says "" if you cross this line i'll punch you"

Two men were talking about their wives The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky

Two men from Texas are having a conversation... The first man asks the second man ""Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you've slept with."" The second man responds with ""I don't have to imagine

4 Catholic men and a women were having coffee in St. Francis Square The first man

Three friends married women from different parts of the world... The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

Three men are at a bar drinking The first man says “I bet you two I can jump off a building and land without a scratch on me!”