First Man Jokes

Three men are standing before a judge. The judge asks the first man why he was arrested. "" I blew bubbles in the park."

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself

The Job Interview Three men were sitting in the waiting room waiting to be interviewed. The first man was called in.

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

First man: what is the most commonly used French expression? Second man: uhh... I give up

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw by train. In the course of the journey a vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, a fruit which neither Pole had seen before. Each bought one. The first man eagerly peeled his banana and bit into it just as the train entered a tunnel. When the train reemerged into daylight, he looked across to his friend and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you. I took one bite and went blind for thirty seconds." Why did the Polish man quit his job…

A man was sitting at the bar looking dejectedly into his bottle of beer. "You look pretty down," said the guy on the next stool. "Wanna talk about it?" "I dunno," sighed the first man. "It's just that this time last year I had a fantastic job. I was making big money." "So?" "Well, that was the problem. People started noticing the bills were five millimetres too big!"

Three men were walking along when they came upon a wide, raging river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do so. The first man prayed to God: "Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river." And POOF! God gave him powerful arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the mighty river in two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed: "Please, God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." And POOF! God gave him a rowing boat, and he was able …

Two old married men were chatting in a bar. First man says, “Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?” The second man replied, “Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery!”

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks: Where are you from? I'm from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland. Of Course, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from? Dublin, comes the reply. I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's h…

Two old men chatting in a bar. The first man said, “At my age, you spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.” The second old man replied, “I often find myself going into a room and wondering what did I come in here after!”

Two men were chatting in a bar. One says, “Where are you from?” Second man replies, “I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition.” “Alright” says the first man, “Where are you from idiot!?”

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

Two men were down the pub talking. The first man said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible !" The second man says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!" "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy...Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Ch…

A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am mute. I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?" The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that, "No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." He whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole. Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him…

There were three passengers in a plane that was about to crash. One was the smartest man in the world, one was the President of the United States, and one was a little girl. However, there were only two parachutes. The first man, the smartest man in the world, stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes. I, being the smartest man, am one of those." With that he grabbed one and jumped out. The president looked at the little girl an…

Three men with pocket watches are standing on a hill. The first man throws his watch and halfway down the hill it breaks. The second man throws his and two thirds of the way down, his watch breaks. The third man throws his watch, walks down and catches it at the bottom. “How did you manage that?” asked the two men. “Easy”, said the third man, “my watch is 10 minutes slow!”

Three old men climbed to the top of a ladder where they were met by a genie who said, “As you return back down, whatever you shout, you will land into.” First man goes, “Beeeer” as he descends. “Braaandy” shouted the second man. The third man quite excitedly shouted, “Weeeeeeeeeeee!”

Two friends are talking in a pub and one of them is not too bright. He says, “You would never find me taking a holiday in the USA.” “Why not?” said the second man. “Well, they all drive on the other side of the road to here”, he replied. “Why is that a problem?” said the second man. “Well, I tried it driving around town yesterday and it was awful!” replied the first man.

One man chatting to another in a bar. The first man said, “On a business trip last week, I had a gorgeous young lady knocking on my bedroom door all night.” “Wow! You lucky bloke” said the second man. “Not really, I was forced to let her out eventually!”

Two country yokels are talking in the pub. First man says, “I failed my driving test last week.” Second man asks, “What did you fail on?” “Road signs” replies the first man, “The examiner asked me, ‘What sign do you expect to see when driving down a country lane?’” I replied, “Fresh farm eggs – 90 pence a dozen!”

Two men chatting in a bar. First man says, “I can go ten days without sleep.” Second man asks, “How can you do that?” “Easy, I sleep at night!” said the first man.

Two men are chatting in a bar. First man says, “I've had terrible luck with both of my wives.” “How come?” said the second man. “Well” said the first man, “My first wife left me .... and my second wife hasn't!”

Two old men were chatting in the park. First man said, “My wife puts our wealth down to the old adage that behind each successful man there is his woman.” The second man said, “And mine always said behind a fall of each successful man there is always someone else's woman!”