First Wife Jokes

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife. Me too, I replied.

"My first wife didn't have a gag reflex" Wow that's amazing "Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes"

I am a widower three times over..... My first wife died when she ate some poisonous mushrooms from the yard. My second wife died from eating the same mushrooms. My third wife fell down the stairs because she wouldnt eat the mushrooms.

Three wives are having drinks at bar. After a few drinks they begin comparing their husbands to soda. The first wife says ""Well, my husband would be 7-UP. He's seven inches and straight up."" The second wife thinks for a second and says ""Mountain Dew. He's always mounting me and we're always doing it."" After a couple seconds the third wife says ""My husband would be Jack Daniels."" The first wife says ""Jack Daniels is a liquor, not a soda."" ""Yep, that would my him.""

A man tells a friend that he had three wives pass away. A man is talking with a friend and reveals to him that his last three wives had passed away. ""That's terrible! What caused them to pass away?"" The friend asked, sympathetically. ""Well,"" says the man, ""my first wife ate poison mushrooms and died from that. Then, my second wife found the poison mushrooms in the refrigerator, ate them and died as well. My third wife, however, died from a fractured skull."" Taken aback, the friend replies,…

I introduced my friend to my first wife. She said she was actually going to divorce me if I kept calling her that.

A conversation between two strangers in a diner... Man #1: You know, without the mustache you'd look just like my first wife. Man #2: I don't have a mustache! Man #1: She did.

One day Johnny sees his friend walking along the beach. ""What's up, bro?"" ""Eh, nothing"" ""I know you're sad, I'm you're best friend, you can tell me everything!"" ""You see, this is the place were my first wife drowned."" ""Well, it's been years since then! You've got a new car, a new house, and a new wife! Basically a new life!"" ""Now, is not that I miss her, but, you see, my new wife is a professional swimmer.""

Ive been married twice... my first wife died of mushroom poisoning and my second wife died of a fractured skull. She didnt like mushrooms.

Another set of Jewish mom jokes Seeing how my first post had a ~~huuuuge~~ kinda moderate success, here's another set. Because it seems americains are not aware of the jewish mom stereotype, here is a rough translation of the French Wiki : > The typical traits of the jewish mom include : > > * An excessive pride of their son's achievements. They'll always say ""My son, the doctor"" or ""My son, the lawyer"" > * In contrast, a jewish mother won't stop complaining if she estimates her …

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years... Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. ""So, how's life been for you? "" Ed asked. ""Not too good,"" Ted replied. ""My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my …

Did you hear about the widowed frog that got remarried? His first wife croaked!

7 and 7 is 11 A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. ""How much is it?"" she asked the storekeeper. ""14 cents,"" answered the storekeeper to the lady. ""14 cents! For what?"" asked the lady. The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents."" ""I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11."" ""What are your saying?"" ""As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11... I…

Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.marr

What did the Gorilla call his first wife? His prime-mate!

My first wife was a great housekeeper. She kept both houses

A guy walks into a bar... A guy walks into a bar and he sees this sad guy sitting there, so he decides to cheer him up. He goes and sits down, asks him what is troubling him. The guy replies "I lost my third wife" Nice guy responds "Damn man that's horrible, if you dont mind me asking, what happened to the first wife?" "She ate poison mushrooms" Nice guy is shocked he says "Damn man that's horrible, I have to ask, what happened to the second wife?" "She ate poison mushrooms too" Now he's …

My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms; my second wife died of a fractured skull... She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

When my first wife lost her credit card I didn't report it.

When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it. Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says,"Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "O…

I have had two unlucky marriages. My first wife ran away with another guy. My second wife didn’t!

Two men are chatting in a bar. First man says, “I've had terrible luck with both of my wives.” “How come?” said the second man. “Well” said the first man, “My first wife left me .... and my second wife hasn't!”