First Man Jokes

Magic Window Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "That window is magic. To prove it, I'll jump out." He jumps, much to the other man's horror, and plummets 20 floors only to stop and float gently back up. "Amazing, huh? Why don't you try?" The other man is dubious, but eventually decides to jump. He plummets 30 floors and smacks into the pavement. The first man is in hysterics. "You know," says the bartender, "you're a real prick when you're drunk, Superman."

Three men are kidnapped by cannibals while in the forest.. Three men were walking in a forest one day when they were kidnapped by a group of cannibals. They plead for the tribe leader to let them, and finally he struck them a deal. If they could complete a challenge of his, then they could walk free. For the first part of the challenge, the chieftain asked the three men to go back into the forest and find 10 fruit of any kind, provided that all 10 were the same type of fruit. So each man went…

Three men and the Devil. Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man’s slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten. The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten. The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea …

Pot of chili nsfw So there are four gay men, three of which are all involved with the last, we'll call him "Freddie". One day Freddie becomes ill and dies of the HIV. Before the funeral, the three gay men meet at the bar to decide the best way to handle the financial part of the ceremonies. They quickly agree that the smartest way to go about it would be to cremate and divide the ashes, thus being able to remember their lost lover however they so choose. After a few hours of drinking and speaki…

Three men go to heaven, and St. Peter says they are full.... ...so they are transported down to hell. The devil, being a reasonable guy, apologizes for the mistake, and promises to set each man up with a room filled with whatever they want. The first man asks for a room full of chocolate, which the devil procures, and closes the door behind him. The second man asks for a room full of beautiful women, the devil agrees, and shows him into the room. The third man requests a room full of Marijuana.…

Three men were standing in line waiting to get into heaven Three men were standing in line waiting to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to c…

Two guys in the wood... Two guys went camping in the wood. As they started getting deeper in the woods they encountered a tribe folk with a sharp knife. ''Stop right there!'' he said. They both stopped moving, they were scared as hell. ''I will kill you both, take your skin off and make a boat out of it but first you will each be granted one wish.'' The first man wished for a chance to see his family and his wish was granted. He was then killed. The second man wished for a fork. A for…

Two men were lost in a desert... Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market. The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly. Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake. As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream o…

A man placed flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child?…

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘How do these …

Three Nuns die and go to heaven. Three Nuns die and go to heaven, but in order to enter, they must prove their faith by answering one question each. The first nun was asked "Who was the first man on earth?" The nun replies "Obviously it was Adam" The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The first nun walks through. The second nun was asked "Who was the first woman on earth?" "Easy" says the second nun "It was Eve" The lights flicker, the bells ring and the gates open. The se…

Three men die and go to heaven. God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife. The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife. The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?" God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."

The FBI have a job opening for an extremely undercover position Over 50000 people apply, and they manage to rattle it down to a final 3. They are then given their final task, they will be put in a room with their wife, and they must kill them, and they give each of them a gun which they tell them to use. The first man goes in, and they here sobbing, after 5 minutes the man and his wife comes out, the man still in tears, telling them he couldn't do it. The second man goes in, and once again th…

Three Nuns get into Heaven Three nuns had died and were going to Heaven. They gathered at the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter, who said "Congratulations Sisters you have made it to Heaven! Now to get in you must answer a question each" One Nun steps forward and he asks "Who was the first man in Creation?" "Well that would be Adam" she said. Trumpets played, the gates opened, and she walked in. The second Nun steps forward, and he asks "Who was the first Woman?" "Well that would be Eve" she…

Two Syrian refugees land in America... They make a bet to see who can become the most American. A year later they meet up for coffee. The first man says " I am so American. I have a hot white wife, a daughter, a house and a well paying job. I drink Budweiser with my friends after work at happy hour. I have come to accept gay marriage as a human right. I joined a bowling league and my average is above 200. What have you done?" The other Syrian looks at him and says " Shut up Towel Head!"

Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout. As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt. "Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man. The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Two men are fishing from a bridge... When one man notices a funeral procession. He quietly sets down his fishing rod, takes of his hat and bows his head. When the procession is out of sight he picks up his pole and continues fishing. The other man turns to him and says, "wow. I never knew you had a feely side in you" to which the first man replies, "it's the least I could've done, afterall, we had been married for forty years."

Three guys are in a hospital waiting room Each of them has a wife in labor and is anxiously awaiting the arrival of their bundle of joy. The nurse comes out and says to the first man, "Congratulations...your wife has given birth to twins!" The man says, "Wow, that is such a blessing. Twins! Imagine that! You know what's funny, though? I work for the Minnesota Twins, so that's kind of a coincidence!" Five minutes later the nurse returns and says to the second guy, "Congratulations! Your…

3 guys are shipwrecked on an island full of cannibals The cannibals catch them and say"bring us 10 fruits or we will kill you" the first man comes back with ten carrots the cannibals tell him"we'll stick them all up your ass if you dont move a muscle we'll let you live" they force the first one up his ass he doesnt say anything but as soon as they touch the other carrot he says Ow! They throw him in a cage the second man comes back with ten berries they tell him the same thing and start fillin…

A man walks into a bar with a Labrador and takes a seat. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The man doesn't miss a beat and replies, "Excuse me, this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender apologises profusely and says, "Here, the first one's on me." The man walks over and takes a seat near the door. Soon, another man walks in with a chihuahua. The first man says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man thanks him and head…

Three men die in a car crash They find themselves at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches them, saying "Okay, you'll get a vehicle for getting around Heaven depending on your faithfulness to your spouse". The first man says "I never cheated on my wife, and I love her". He gets a Ferrari. The second man says "I cheated on my wife once, but I still love her". He gets a horse. The third man says "I cheated on my wife a couple times, but I still love her". He gets a scooter. Soon after b…

After committing very heinous crimes, three men are sentenced to 20 years of solitary confinement. However, they are allowed to have *one* form of luxury for their sentence. The first man requests a large stack of legal textbooks for his cell. The second man asks for a large stack of medical textbooks. The third man, on the other hand, requests 200 packs of cigarettes. 20 years have passed, and the three men are each released. The first man looks very pleased with himself and says to the w…

3 men are arrested at a public pool, and go to court The first man steps up to the defendant's stand, and the judge says to him: "State your name and crime." So the first man says: "my name is Billy your honour, and I was just blowing bubbles in the pool." So the judge says "well Billy, that is a bit weird, but perfectly legal. You're free to go." So Billy leaves the courtroom, and the next man is called up "My name is Bobby your honour, and I was also just blowing bubbles in the pool." …

Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter and he replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish?" Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the…

Three men and a Wizard are on a plane. Three men and a Wizard are on a plane, and the engines start to fail. The men begin to panic and the Wizard tells them, "If you jump out of the plane, and yell something, you'll turn into it." The men, a little sketched out, decide to try it. The first man jumps out, and yells, "EAGLE!" The man turned into an eagle. The second man jumps out, and yells, "PIGEON!" The man turned into a pigeon. The third man gets a running start and trips out of the plan…