First Man Jokes

Three old men Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied. Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?” "Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Three men are being interviewed for a job at the same time The interviewer says "Alright, you can get the job if you can come up with a sentence with the words green, pink and yellow." First man replies "Well that's easy, my favorite colors are green, pink and yellow." Interviewer smiles and says "You're hired!" The second man scoffs and says "I saw a bird that was green, pink and yellow." Interviewer says "You got it!" Finally, the third man thinks for a while until he says "The phone ran…

2 Christians are lost in the Arabian desert The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water. The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day. The second day and night are even worse. On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque. "We're saved!" exclaims one. The other is wary and says he doesn't think they'll help Christians. The first says he doesn't care, he's so hungry he'd rather be killed than starve. The second one d…

Two men are walking by a restaurant Two men are walking by a restaurant and one of them says, "That smells amazing! Lets get something." The other man replies, "But they don't let dogs in, what are we going to do with them." The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, "Follow my lead." He starts to walk into the restaurant and the waiter stops him, "You cannot bring dogs in here sir." The man gets offended, "Excuse me sir! This is my seeing eye dog, I…

10 Inch Bic Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long cigarette lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard of hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and as…

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar At the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could …

3 nuns 3 nuns die and go to heaven. St Peter meets them and the pearly gates of heaven. He says to the nuns “hello ladies, I know you have lived your lives with a complete devotion to god, but it’s mandatory that I ask you each a question before you can enter”. The nuns all look at each other and then in agreement, they nod their approval. St Peter asks the first nun “Who was the first man ?” “Adam” she replied. Lightning flashes, angels with great golden horns sound, the colors of hea…

Two men die and show up at the Pearly Gates together St Peter greets them. "Gentleman, welcome to Heaven. I've got bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that Heaven is currently full. There was some sort of screw-up in the scheduling department, and we don't have rooms for you guys. We won't have available rooms for 2 weeks. The good news is we'll send you back to Earth for those two weeks, doing whatever you want, in whatever form you want. What would you like?' "Well," says the fir…

A man is sitting at a bus stop, and there is another man sitting next to him. Suddenly another man comes up to the second guy and says "E-E-Excuse me, s-sir. C-Co-Could you p-p-please gi-give me d-directions t-to-to the n-ne-nearest gro-grocery s-st-store?" The man didn't say anything. He just sat there, looking at him, stress on his face. After a moment the third man comes up to the first man and asks him the same question. The first man gave him the dieections, the third man thanked him and…

A man and his wife are out to dinner As he’s about to start eating, his wife stops him and says “Harold, we have to pray first!” Man: “Why?” Wife: “We always pray at home before we eat.” Man: “Yeah but the guy here actually knows how to cook.”

Two men are hunting near the border of their countries. They see a duck and BANNNG they both shoot it and the duck goes dead right at the border line. They start arguing about whose duck it is until the first one says "I have an idea. Let's kick the balls and whoever wins gets the duck. And since I had the idea, I'll start." The second man hesitated but eventually agreed. Then, the first takes a few steps back, takes a run and, with his mountain boots, puts a valiant kick in the second's bal…

Hospital Roommates Two men were roommates in a hospital. Because they were weak the men were unable to speak for weeks. Finally, one man said to the other, “American.” His roommate replied, “Canadian.” Another week went by and the first man said, “Danny.” “Phil,” said the second. Another week passed and the first man muttered, “Cancer.” His roommate replied, “Virgo.”

Two guys in a bar Two old men are sitting in a bar. One of them looks at the other & says “You look familiar… where you from?” The second old man replies “Ireland” The first old man looks astonished & says ” No way I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world!” The second old man then looks at the first “What city?” The first old man says “Dublin?” The second old man looks astonished “No way I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.” The first man looks at the second old ma…

A man is driving through the desert A man is driving through the desert. Thinking he's alone, he sees another man in a fancy car approaching in the distance. When their vehicles meet, the first man greets him and suggests swapping cars. The second man refuses, explaining that his luxury car is very expensive while the first man's is dirty and very old. The first man insists, claiming his car is magical. He rubs his car, a genie appears, and he asks the genie to make tea. The genie complies. Imp…

Three men get a job together, but it’s very far away. In order to commute to their job they have to drive through the desert. One day, while commuting their car breaks down. They decide to get out and start walking for help. While walking, the first man shouts “wait a second!” and runs back to the car. He brings back the car radiator. Man number three days “why’d you do that?” Man number one responds “geez you gotta smarten up. There’s no water here in the desert. We can drink this if we need…

Policeman: Why did you kill... ...88 people? What the hell was wrong with you? Driver: I was driving at 100km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the wedding party. Policeman: Hit the 2 men of course! Driver: Exactly! After hitting the first man, the other man ran towards the wedding party so l followed him.

Three men were hiking through a forest.... When they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: ' God, please give me the strength to cross the river. Poof!!! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'. Poof!!! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and stro…

Three old men are sitting around complaining about againg The first man says "Damn is it hard being old. I wake up at 7:00 every morning and it feels like it takes me an hour just to pee. "I hear ya," says the second man "I wake up at 8:00 every morning and it seems like I spend an hour on the crapper." "That's nothing," says the third man "Every morning at 7:00 I piss like a racehorse, and poop like a goose at 8." "That sounds great, why are you complaining?" ask the other two men. "Proble…

Two Christians were lost in an Arabian desert... The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water. The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day. The second day and night are even worse. On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque. "We're saved!" exclaims one. The other is wary and says he doesn't think they'll help Christians. The first says he doesn't care, he's so hungry he'd rather be killed than starve. The second one de…

Three men are in a Russian prison cell. The first man says, "I'm here because I criticized Igor Girkin." The second man says, "I'm here because I spoke in favor of Igor Girkin." The third man says, "I'm Igor Girkin."

Three men were killed in a car crash on their way to a conference. They arrived at the pearly gates and Saint Peter met the first man and said, “You lived a good life, were honest in your dealings, generous to others, I will go get you your reward.” He returned in a few minutes with a drop dead beautiful woman and announced, “This is your eternal reward.” Saint Peter then turned to the next man and said, “You were a wicked, cheating, no good man, I’ll be back with your reward.” He returned…

Two Muslims are wandering, starving and lost in the desert- they come across a monastery, and decide to go and ask for hospitality. One said to the other, "I'm going to tell them my name's John, because they're sure to treat me better if they think I'm Christian." His companion replied "I'm going to tell them the truth." They knock on the door of the monastery and a monk opens it. The monk says "My, but you look exhausted. Who do I have the honor of welcoming?" The first man says "I'm John…

I went to the grocery store the other day and saw these two ~75 year old men violently ram their carts into each other. I helped one of them up and listened in while they were talking. “Terribly sorry, I’m looking for my wife - I can’t find her anywhere!” says the one I’m helping up. “Well that’s a coincidence, I’ve been looking all over for my wife! I tell you what, how about we help each other look for them?” the second fellow asks. “That’s not a bad idea! What does your wife look li…

Three Men Find a Genie Three men were walking along the street when one of them spotted an old lamp on the side of the road. Picking it up and rubbing it they were surprised to find a genie appear. "You get one wish," The genie said. "I offer wealth, wisdom or power." "I choose wealth." Said the first man. "I choose power," said the second. "I choose wisdom," said the third. Many years later the men met again at a diner to discuss the results of their wishes. The first man spoke. "I…

Three men are in prison in Soviet Russia... ... And they start explaining how they wound up in prison. The first man says, "I was five minutes late to work, so I was arrested for sabotaging Soviet productivity." The second man says, "I was five minutes early so I was arrested for espionage, spying on Russian industrial secrets." The third man says, "I was exactly on time to work, so I was arrested for owning a foreign made watch."