First Man Jokes

3 Men Awaiting Execution The first man sits in the electric chair: I believe in God, and I know that I will not be harmed since this is a wrongful sentencing -- nothing happens and the man lives on. Next in line for execution is a lawyer. He is shortly sat down and attached to the chair. "I believe in Justice and law..." despite his failed negotiations he was released. Last in line was an engineer who promptly saw the two misconducted trials. He blurted out "you have to connect the two leads …

Two men are talking in a bar... ...the first man asks the other, "So where are you from?" The other man replies "Ireland." The first man replies "No way, me too! I'll drink to that." The two men down their beers. "So where in Ireland are you from?" the second man says. "Dublin." "No kidding, me too!" he replies. Once again, they down their drinks. "Where in Dublin did you live?" asks the first man. "Main Street, and yourself?" the other replies. "I lived on Main Street too! Cheers!" h…

Three little people are sitting at a bar. The first little person says, "I have pretty small feet, more so than anybody else I know. In fact, I think I could make the Guinness World Record for smallest feet." The second says, "I have never met a grown man as short as I am. I think I'll go to apply with Guinness for the 'world's shortest man' award." The third says, "Mine is better than both of yours. Do you see these hands? I bet you've never seen hands this small before. They're going right …

A joke my dad used to tell my brother and me. Long but worth it IMO. Three men die and find themselves in a waiting room outside the gates of heaven. An angel enters the room and says, "hey guys. We've had a really busy day. A lot of good people died today and we are almost at capacity for the day. However, if you explain how you died, maybe I can make some room for you." The first man walks up to the angel and says, "well it all started a few weeks ago. I was having suspicions that my wife …

A bad day Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartme…

Two elderly couples were having dinner together An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen. The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend." The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" …

There were three old men playing golf... and they each decided to start bragging about their adult sons. The first man says: "I'm so proud of my son, he is a very successful car salesman that owns his own lot, and gave one of his friends a brand new Porsche." The second man says: "That's impressive, but my son is a successful real estate owner, and gave one of his friends a house on a private beach." The third man sighs, and says to the other two: "Wow that's very impressive. I hate to say …

Seeing eye dogs. A man with a German Shepherd goes into a pub and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here." The man replies "But this is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender then says "Well, okay then, I guess it can stay". After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. The first man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it'…

2 men and their thirst for extreme! 2 men are standing on the ledge of a cliff... One man has a Budgie on his shoulder and the other has a parrot on his shoulder and a gun attached to his hip. The first man with the Budgie, jumps off the cliff and as he falls the Budgie immediately flies away. The man plunges to the ground, miraculously he survives but he is no doubt crippled. The second man with the Parrot and the gun, now jump off the cliff and as he falls the Parrot flies away but the man…

While on a walk two men pass a bar... Two friends are out walking their dogs on a hot summer day when they pass a bar. "Let's stop and grab a drink" "They don't allow pets - let's just keep going" "Follow my lead" The first man walks into the bar, his dog in tow. "Sorry but we don't allow dogs in here." "Excuse me but this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender gives the man and the dog a once over. Seeing his sunglasses and a German Shepard, he quickly apologizes "Pardon me sir, first rou…

Three dead men arrive at Saint Peter's gates... Saint Peter explains that before they are allowed in, they need to tell him the story of their death. The first man explains, "Well, I was having a bad day at work, so I left early and came home. When I got to my apartment, I noticed that my wife was there, and loud moans were coming from the bedroom. I thought she might have a man in there so I ran and got my hammer, and couldn't help but start shouting that I was going to kill him. I get into t…

Two black men are walking down the street ...and they see a sign that says "Be white for 99 cents!" The first man says he has the dollar on him, the second man only has 98 cents. The first man says, okay, I'll go in and if it works, I'll give you the penny. First first man goes in and comes a while later. The second man asks "Can I have the penny?" The first man replies "Get a damn job!"

A man walks into a bar on the third floor. He sits down and orders a double vodka on the rocks, smashes his head three times on the counter and jumps out the window. A minute later the man walks back inside and orders another double vodka on the rocks, bangs his head on the counter and proceeds to jump out the window. When he again walks in the door, one of the patrons walks up to him and asks: "Excuse me, but how are you able to survive that fall?" The man replies: "If you are able to drink a …

Three deeply devout men were killed in a tragic car accident while on their way to church... The three men awoke in front of a fountain with the great Gates of Heaven in the far distance. Standing in front of the fountain was an angel, wearing a seemingly dissatisfied smile. "You three men have been so devout for your entire lives that you have never succumbed to sin." The men felt as though this was a compliment and smiled, until the angel corrected them. "The Lord will not allow you to dri…

Two men are drinking at a bar.. When one turns to the other and says, "well time to head out, my wife told me if I came home so drunk I pissed myself again I'd be in big trouble". His friend says "Here's an idea! Just take a twenty dollar bill from the ATM and when you get home just tell her someone accidentally poured a drink on your lap and felt so bad they gave you the twenty for dry cleaning!". "That's brilliant" says the first man and continues drinking. Later that night, so drunk he's…

NSFW You're in..... Three Nuns at Pearly Gates. So three nuns simultaneously die and go to the gates of St. Peter. Whilst there, St. Peter approaches the nuns and says: "I'm sorry girls, but heaven's getting pretty full now. There's this new policy that I have to ask you guys a religious-trivia question before i can let you in". The nuns agree. So St. Peter approaches the first: "What was the name of the first Man?" The 1st nun rep…

2 men are robbing an apartment... ...when they hear sirens outside the building. "We need to jump!" says the first man. The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!" "This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash. Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says: "Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to the first guy, "and the other day it's the other". And so they have a whale of time taking turns, enjoy…

A sack full of chickens Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack. The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight." The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack. "Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."

Two men are sitting in a bar 'Hey, when were you born?' asks the first man. '3rd of February 1961,' replies the second. 'Interesting, that's when I was born too! Where were you born?' 'In Seattle.' 'That's weird, I was born in Seattle as well,' exclaims the first man. 'Where did you go to school?' 'I went to the Abraham Lincoln High School.' 'That's incredible, I went to Lincoln High too!' A waitress walks by. The first man grabs her arm and says: 'Hey, listen! This guy and I were born …

My favorite joke Two guys are drinking in the restaurant atop the Space Needle on a windy day. Man 1: You... You know... When it is this windy, you can jump off the edge, and the wind will blow you back on. Man 2: Bull. Man 1: No man, I'm telling you. The wind just blows you back on. Here, let me show you. The two men drunkily sneak outside and stand on the edge. When another gust comes, the first man leaps off the edge. He floats in the wind for a moment, and sure enough, the wind whips h…

The cannibal king's test Three men were hiking in the forest when they got lost. They wandered around and after a few days, they found a large campsite. Upon entering, they realized that it was inhabited by cannibals, and tried to leave but were captured. They were brought before the cannibal king, and the king stated that they would survive and be able to leave if they could pass a test. The first part of the test was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all t…

Three guys in a plane crash on a deserted island... One day, several years later, a bottle washes up on the beach. One of the guys opens it to reveal that it contains a genie! The two others rush over when they see what's going on. The genie says "Normally, I give the person who finds my bottle three wishes, but since there are three of you, I'll give you each one." She turns to the guy who found the bottle and says, "What is it that you desire?" The man thinks for a moment, then says "Well, I'…

A joke my granddad once told me. I always loved this one, my granddad told it to me years ago. Still one of my favourites. An elderly woman wakes one morning and looks out of her bedroom window. Across the road she sees two men from the local council office slowly making their way up the grassy embankment at the side of the road. The man in front starts to dig a hole in the embankment and after some time moves forward and begins digging another hole. The second man then proceeds to immedi…

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?” The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.” The first man asks “Can I make a wish? ” Sure says the other man “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing” “Ok I will” says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he want…