First Man Jokes

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket and finds some Mistletoe so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture St. Peter asks ""How do these represent Christmas?"" ""They're Carol's.""

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day enjoying the fishing which was super. At the end of the day knowing that they would be graduating from college soon they vowed that they would meet in twenty years at the same place and renew the experience. Twenty years later they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men s…

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted and after he writes his letter they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the…

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said "" my wife was reading a ""tale of two cities"" and she gave birth to twins"" ""That's funny"" the second man remarked ""my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"" The third man shouted ""Good God I have to rush home!"" When asked what the problem was he exclaimed "" When I left the house my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves""!!!

eer booze and fun!' 'Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other ""Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer but the sign on the front door says ""No Pets Allowed"" and I can't leave Fido alone on the street."" The other man replies ""No problem just stand by the door and watch me and you'll be having that beer real soon!"" The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and then walks into …

eer booze and fun!' 'A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. 'Why of course' comes the reply. The first man then asks 'Where are you from?' 'I'm from Ireland' replies the second man. The first man responds by saying 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.' 'Of course' replies the second man. Curious the first man then asks 'Where in Ireland are you from?' 'Dublin' comes the reply. 'I can't believe it' says the …

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him ""What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"" The Lawyer thought a moment then said ""A week ago I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."" Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said ""Well that's fine but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."" The Lawyer said ""Wait Wait! There's mor…

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day though so Peter had to tell the first one ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment I could tel…

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying ""I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked ""How many times did you cheat on your wife?"" The first man replied ""Lord I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife."" The Lord replied ""Very good! Not only will I allow you in but for being faithful to your wife …

Two men sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites the formal speech had been given by the warden and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden turning to the first man solemnly asked ""Son do you have a last request?"" To which the man replied ""Yes sir I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"" ""Certainly"" replied the…

A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town. A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America. Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?" The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away." Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!" The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."

What's the fastest thing on Earth? Four men are being interviewed as part of a scientific survey that is being conducted in order to determine what's the fastest thing on earth. The first man says,"I think that it's probably a blink because you can blink so quickly that sometimes you don't even realize that your blinking." The second man scoffs at this idea and says,"A thought is certainly much faster than a blink, and I challenge anyone who disagrees with me to speak up now!" The third man tho…

Ole and Sven A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "why sure," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "where ya from?" "Norway," replies the second man. The first man responds, "Ya don't say, I'm from Norway too! Let's have another round to Norway." Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Norway are ya from?" "Bergen," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Bergen too! Let's have another drink to old…

My dad's favourite joke Three men are standing at the top of the Empire State Building. The first man turns to the other two and says: "I bet you $1000 each that you can't throw your watch off the side, and catch it before it hits the ground." Both men look at each other, look at their cheap watches, think "there's no way he'll be able to do it, but maybe I can make $1000" and agree to the challenge. The second man steps up, drops his watch off the edge, and goes sprinting to the stairs. He …

Uncle just told me this one. There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street." "No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?" "Oh, I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How bout you?" "Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd y…

Three nuns get into a car accident 2... and are killed. Sisters Mary, Rose, and Kathleen arrive at the pearly gates confident that their entry was inevitable. They are met by Saint Peter, who explains to them that even though the spent their mortal lives in service to God, they were not gauranteed a place in Heaven. There were some questions that would need to be answered first. They are all very stressed out about the possibility of getting questions they might not be able to answer. Kathleen …

2 Jamaicans are lost in the desert.. After wandering aimlessly for hours, one of the two spots an oasis in the distance. As they draw nearer, the other man spots an odd tree growing at the oasis, a tree with bacon for leaves. He turns to his friend and says "Look man, it's a bacon tree!!". His friend replies " No way man you're hallucinating, that's just a palm tree". The first man leaves his friend and races to the bacon tree as fast as his legs can carry him. But once he reaches the tree, a g…

Three men die and go to heaven Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter calls up the first man. He says, "Heaven's a big place. I'll give you a car. How nice the car is will depend on your faithfulness to your spouse on Earth. You were not very faithful. I will give you a station wagon." St. Peter calls up the second man. He says the same thing. He gives the man a midsize car, because the man was pretty faithful to his spouse. St. Peter calls up the third…

Three men go to heaven... They all arrive at the same time with their wives. The first man steps up to St. Peter and asks to be let in, St. Peter replies, "You were a good man and helped others but you loved food too much over God, you even found a wife named Candy, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The second man steps up to St. Peter and also asks to be let in, St. Peter then replies, "You were a good man and went to Church but you loved money too m…

Yet Another Bar Joke Three friends walk into a bar. After a round, the first of the group speaks up. "I would like to reveal to you that I am actually a wizard!" The second friend said, "Good gravy, I am a sorceror too!" The third wasn't anyone magical, but felt pressured to say that he was. The first man said, "Let's have a contest, let's try to make this bar rise into the air!" The first magician caused the bar to rise to the height of a tall mountain. The second said, "Pft, that's nothing," …

3 men are shipwrecked on an island And start searching the place, but get captured by a cannibal tribe. They are brought to the chieftain, and beg for their lives. He says, "I will give you a chance to live. Each of you must go out and find 10 of a certain fruit, and then come back. If you do not return, we will hunt you down and kill you." So they all go out in different directions to look for their fruit. The first guy comes back with 10 apples, and shows them to the chieftain, who t…

Two men were talking about their wives The first man says "My wife is an angel." The second man says "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

My favorite "pearly gates" joke. Three men arrive at the pearly gates, and, one at a time, St. Peter asks them to recount their deaths for him. The first man replies, "I just knew that my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early from work to catch her in the act! I searched the apartment, and sure enough, there he was hanging from our balcony. I pried that bastards fingers loose, and watched him fall all 16 floors. He went through an awning, and survived the fall, so I picked up the mini …

4 men in a pub 4 men are chatting in a pub, The first man says:"I sleep with my wife once a month", The second man says :"i sleep twice a month", The third says:"I sleep once a week", The fourth man says:"I sleep twice a week", Then the first man says: "What are you talking about? you aren't even married", The fourth man replies: "Oh I thought everyone was talking about your wife".

A traditional Indian woman walks into a bar for the first time... She sits down between two men. She hears the first man says to the bartender "Johnny Walker, single." Then second man says to the bartender "Jack Daniels, single." The bartender turns to the Indian woman... She says "Pushpaben Patel, Married."